How do you deal with disrespectful teenagers?

[Cyrus Cassidy #45437]

Serious question.  I’m always enforcing standards of respect with my two teenage boys, and I deal with scouts quite a bit.  While I get the occasional backtalk or eye roll from my two (and I deal with these immediately!), scouts are never dumb enough to try it.  Fortunately, my question is not about them.

 

My son’s friend, on the other hand, is a spoiled little brat.  His divorced parents are each quite wealthy and try to buy his love.  He has the latest of every computer, phone, gaming system, and other electronic.  
 

I’m guessing he’s never been disciplined, because he shows none.  And I can’t stand him.  He makes demands, doesn’t respect anyone else’s time (but demands you respect his), and doesn’t understand why adults are upset with him when he opens his mouth.  I’m convinced he is truly clueless as to his disrespect; he doesn’t understand what he’s doing, but won’t listen to any correction.  

 

The first thing you’re going to tell me is to talk to his parents.  I already thought of that.  They don’t see it (how can you not see it?!?!?!).  
 

I’d like to ban him from my house.  I’m not exactly known for being patient, and I don’t tolerate disrespect from anyone (I have actually kicked my father-in-law out of my house on one occasion for that reason!).  But my son has reached the age where friends carry more weight than parents do, and it would likely ruin my relationship with him.  
 

So what do I do about  this kid???

[Buckshot Bear]

Its a shame you can't ban him from your home. Take all precautions to be as strict as normal with your son so this kid doesn't have any bad influence on your child and the years that you've spent raising him.

 

My dear old Mum had a saying that myself and my three older brothers must have hear a thousand times "you are judged by the friends you keep" and its very apt and something that my wife and I were very aware of raising our two boys.

 

It can be a hard time when a son is still a boy but is on the cusp of becoming a young man and its so easy for them to be influenced.

All the very best with your son(s) CC.

[Trigger Mike]

I'm wondering the same thing you are.  My 18 year old daughter does the exact opposite of what we tell her,  including what to eat and who to hang out with.   Today she came home with a super short haircut.   

 

My oldest son has rich friends who party and stay out late and vape and drink.  He is struggling with it.  I also try to steer them to the right friends, but they , especially the daughter,  think I'm just a helicopter parent.  I tell them I'm supposed to be because I love you and your friends don't.  When your friends move on or move away,  I'll still love you.   

 

I also tell them they can be humble now and listen or be humble later when it all falls apart.

[Trigger Mike]

Children have a way of breaking your heart more than you thought was possible and at the very same time make you super angry beyond belief.   

[watab kid]

as pheona would say - "can we shoot them ?"

 

that i think has been the bain of parents everywhere for all time , i can say they eventually grow out of it and if you both survive it will be better after that , or at least different , once in a while they actually come back and apologize , 

[Sedalia Dave]

Peer pressure is the only thing that teenagers reliably respond to.

[Col. Sir Harry Flashman VC]

Your House, Your Rules,

Ya have the Right to Kick Anyone ya Please Out of it, if they Refuse to Follow those same rules!

If your son doesn't get that, he knows where the Door is!

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Sorry Pard, I can’t give any advice, it’s just a different species.

[Rooster Ron Wayne]

My Father told me .

You will do as I say because you respect me or You will do as I say because you fear me .

Either way You will do as I Say !

 

I told my boys the same .

And it worked the same way as it did for me .

I did what I was told or got a back hand in the mouth.

 

Kinda funny how people have stopped correct kids out of love and kids have become out of control.

 

If you ask me it all starts in the beginning.

And you do what you say you are going to do .

And you will not have a issue latter in life .

 

So Saith The Rooster 

[Pat Riot]

I encountered this with a couple of my daughter’s friends. Boy friends, not boyfriends. 
 

One day they were all in the living room and I went in and I laid down “The rules”.

 

My first rule - Disobey or violate my rules and you are kicked out. This is my house, not yours. 

 

Treat my house with respect.
No feet I’m the tables. No feet on the furniture. Sit up and don’t lay about. NO romping, jumping on, wrestling on, or doing anything to harm the furniture. 
 

If you want a drink, ask for it. 
If you want a snack, ask for it. DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS IS YOUR HOUSE. IT’S NOT!

 

If you want to use the phone, ask. 
 

My daughter can use the computer on your behalf. You cannot. What’s on our computer is none of your business. 
 

If you’re cold, deal with it. Bring a jacket next time. 
If your hot, ask for a cold drink. 
DO NOT TOUCH my thermostat. 
 

There are other people living here. Yelling, screaming, making racket for no reason will not be tolerated. 
 

Running in the house? Instant boot out the door. 
 

You will all treat my house and my family with respect. If you do not, I will throw your ass out like yesterday’s garbage. Do you get my drift? (Collective in harmonious “Yes”)

 

One boy asked “What if…?”

I cut him off with “There are no ‘What ifs’ there is only what you were told and What Is. If you need yo know something specific, ask.”

He rolled his eyes. 
I said “Roll your eyes at me again and you are banned for life, understand?”

I got a “Yes sir”.  That’s when I knew it was understood. I think that was the first time that punk ever uttered the words. 
 

I then asked again if everyone understood. They all acknowledged in the affirmative and then I followed with “Anyone violating my rules or disrespecting my family or my house will be kicked out and or banned. Spread the word!”

 

The word did, in fact, get out and I am happy to say with all the kids that came to my house I only kicked one kid out of my house. It was my daughter’s birthday. He was and probably still is an idiot. He keep rocking hard in our metal lawn furniture. I told him to quit. He didn’t. The kid was huuuge. Baby Huey huge. I told him to leave after one warning. He said “Make me”. So I approached in a very unfriendly manner and apparently looked menacing as Baby Huey got up and quickly left (he didn’t run)

I never saw him again. 
 

 

Lay down some rules and enforce them. Kids talk. Peer pressure helps. 

[St. Louis Suomi SASS #31905]

Had the same problem with my youngest son and my oldest daughter.  I used the old saying "Birds of a feather flock together"  And asked them if they ever saw a blue bird in a flock of vultures?  You are judged by the company you keep. Nuremberg trials are great examples of that ....

 

STL Suomi

[Alpo]

Banning - either permanently or temporarily - works pretty good.

 

Early seventies. Daddy came home and saw a friend of my brother's in the house. Hair down to his shoulders. Daddy told him to leave, and not come back till he got a haircut. I thought he was joking. My brother told me that he was not joking. The boy apparently also believed he was not joking, because he never came back.

 

I came home one day to find a neighbor kid there wearing what I considered to be an offensive t-shirt. I told him to go home and change his shirt. He expressed surprise. I told him to leave, and not to come back to my house with that shirt on. He left. Came back several times - he was always welcome. But he never wore that shirt at my house again.

 

Birthday party, and the kids started having a water fight. Squirt guns and cups of water. It was outside so as long as they didn't get me wet it was all right. Then this one kid (17ish) shot the dog in the face with his squirt gun. I told him not to do that. He grinned and did it again. I took him by the arm and escorted into the street and told him not to ever come back.

 

 

[Michigan Slim]

7 hours ago, watab kid said:

 once in a while they actually come back and apologize , 

I did.

[Trigger Mike]

My daughter made the mistake of telling me no today when I told her not to wear a spike necklace and skull charm necklace to school,  especially since it is chapel day.  

 

Her car is still in my name, so I blocked it and took her to school.  

 

She had asked me to put the car in her name but that settles that question.   

[Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381]

Too many parents want to be friends with their kids instead of being a parent. You can't always do both. Kids want and need limitations, even though they love to push the limits. Stand firm.

[bgavin]

10 hours ago, Cyrus Cassidy #45437 said:

I have actually kicked my father-in-law out of my house on one occasion for that reason!

You are not alone.
I threw my mother out of my house one Christmas and told her to drive the 600 miles back to San Diego.
She told my wife "I got rid of every other woman in my son's life, and I'll get rid of you, too."

41 years later, we are still happily married, and Mommie Dearest has gone on to her reward.
The kid you mention needs his dental work readjusted, but this is frowned upon today.
So is hauling the kid out to the woodshed to adjust the temperature of his butt.

Eventually he will get the crap beaten out of him, or killed by a cop.

[Slapshot]

4 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

I encountered this with a couple of my daughter’s friends. Boy friends, not boyfriends. 
 

One day they were all in the living room and I went in and I laid down “The rules”.

 

My first rule - Disobey or violate my rules and you are kicked out. This is my house, not yours. 

 

Treat my house with respect.
No feet I’m the tables. No feet on the furniture. Sit up and don’t lay about. NO romping, jumping on, wrestling on, or doing anything to harm the furniture. 
 

If you want a drink, ask for it. 
If you want a snack, ask for it. DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS IS YOUR HOUSE. IT’S NOT!

 

If you want to use the phone, ask. 
 

My daughter can use the computer on your behalf. You cannot. What’s on our computer is none of your business. 
 

If you’re cold, deal with it. Bring a jacket next time. 
If your hot, ask for a cold drink. 
DO NOT TOUCH my thermostat. 
 

There are other people living here. Yelling, screaming, making racket for no reason will not be tolerated. 
 

Running in the house? Instant boot out the door. 
 

You will all treat my house and my family with respect. If you do not, I will throw your ass out like yesterday’s garbage. Do you get my drift? (Collective in harmonious “Yes”)

 

One boy asked “What if…?”

I cut him off with “There are no ‘What ifs’ there is only what you were told and What Is. If you need yo know something specific, ask.”

He rolled his eyes. 
I said “Roll your eyes at me again and you are banned for life, understand?”

I got a “Yes sir”.  That’s when I knew it was understood. I think that was the first time that punk ever uttered the words. 
 

I then asked again if everyone understood. They all acknowledged in the affirmative and then I followed with “Anyone violating my rules or disrespecting my family or my house will be kicked out and or banned. Spread the word!”

 

The word did, in fact, get out and I am happy to say with all the kids that came to my house I only kicked one kid out of my house. It was my daughter’s birthday. He was and probably still is an idiot. He keep rocking hard in our metal lawn furniture. I told him to quit. He didn’t. The kid was huuuge. Baby Huey huge. I told him to leave after one warning. He said “Make me”. So I approached in a very unfriendly manner and apparently looked menacing as Baby Huey got up and quickly left (he didn’t run)

I never saw him again. 
 

 

Lay down some rules and enforce them. Kids talk. Peer pressure helps. 

This best solution and the one I beleive in. 

 

[bgavin]

I did exactly that with my daughter's militant, liberal lesbian friend.
Keep it civil or hit the road.
So far... entirely civil.

[Trigger Mike]

My dad used to complain to me about my friends and said repeatedly, "if you lay with dogs, you wake up with fleas".  Then years later he told me out of the blue, " you scratched off the fleas".  I was glad.  

[Dirty Dan Dawkins]

Lots if good advice here.

 

Better answers in the saloon than google

 

[Jabez Cowboy,SASS # 50129]

I believe it starts before they turn two ,,,, My 18 month old Grandson will reach out to touch something he shouldn't, I will say NO , He will look at Papa . You can see him weighing in his mind if I really Mean NO, You must be Sure both You and he KNOW you mean NO !

I have had to slap his little hand just once, if I see he is still thinking about going ahead with his quest after the second No .

I reach down and remove him from his temptation... 

In the last Month one No has been enough 90% of the time and the second No has been enough all the rest of the time ...

He loves his Papa and he Knows his Papa loves him beyond all measure !

Papa is actively involved in his life, and has been there to give him his first taste of Ice-cream and other important food groups.

Love and Saying what You mean and Meaning What You say All the time goes a long way in heading of future troubles.

 

 

Jabez Cowboy

 

 

[TN Mongo, SASS #61450]

Keep being a good parent.  After 45 years as a high school teacher, coach and administrator, I've had to deal with a wide variety of kids.  The kids who turned out the best had good consistent parents who were tough, but fair.  Even good kids are going to occasionally push the boundaries; it's part of becoming an adult.

 

We have two adult children, in their 30's, who have turned out very well.  There were times, however, we thought we were going to strangle them in their sleep.  I remember major fights over not letting them socialize with certain classmates, or attend certain parties.  There was a two month period when my daughter didn't have a door on her bedroom after she slammed it in my wife's face. 

 

We did have one standing "order".  If we ever found out that they had been driving after drinking, or rode with someone who had, their lives would basically be over.  We did offer them a get out of jail free card to go with that order:  We offered to come and get them and take them home, without any questions, or reprisals, if they found themselves in that situation.  There were a few times that we received a call at two in the morning and we did as promised.  Thankfully, I can count the occasions on one hand.  Both our kids knew we would back them if they were right, but there would be hell to pay if they were wrong.  I find it funny, in retrospect, that my kids thought my wife and I were the dumbest and most stubborn people they had ever met when they were teenagers, but we started to become smarter when they hit their 20's.    

 

My parents were 19 when I was born and neither of them had a great childhood.  I asked my dad once, when they came to visit, when our children were young, why he had been so tough on me and my siblings.  He responded, "Well you didn't come with an instruction manual".  

 

Hang in there!

[Lawdog Dago Dom]

This kid has to go. 

 

I think if you banish him because of his rudeness and other similar traits, word will get around (kids talk) and some other parents may follow you. If he's a jerk at your house there's a good chance he does this everywhere. Somebody has to pull the trigger first.

 

Don't wait for the parents to wake up. They will spend their lives being his "parachute" for all adverse situations, which ensures he will never be responsible nor accountable.

 

This will also show your boys that this behavior is not tolerated. Hopefully, they will recognize these individuals as they go on and learn to avoid them.

 

I sincerely wish you good luck.

[Blackwater 53393]

I’ll tell this again! I’m sure some of you have heard/read it before.

 

My son and some of his friends were partying at one of the other boy’s parents’ property, back in the country.  One of those who wasn’t a regular among the crowd suggested that they go to town and engage in some mischief of the kind that would likely get them jailed if caught.

 

My son stood up and told him that he was crazy and that if I found out that I would kill all of ‘em!

 

One of the two brothers whose parents owned the place chimed in saying that he knew it was true and that his own dad would help me hide the bodies!

 

Many of the fathers who spent time with the kids were feared and greatly respected. The boys, now in their forties, have mostly carried on the tradition and THEIR kids fear us too!!

 

It’s kinda’ reassuring when one of those men that we helped raise greets one of us with, “Hey coach!” or answers our greating with “Yessir! How are ya’?”

 

We passed it down from our parents!! Our grandchildren know what’s right and we don’t get those rolled eyes and smart replies from them today! They seem to police their friends when they’re around us.  They know it’s for their own good!!

 

 

[DeaconKC]

The next time he is disrespectful, tell him he has earned nothing yet to earn respect and to watch his mouth or get out.

[Matthew Duncan]

OP,

 

IMHO your rules that your children are instructed to obey should NOT be changed for their friends.

 

I had asked my daughter to help her mom.  Daughter told me that I couldn’t make her!  In a moderate tone of voice I told her that may or may not true but I could make her wish had done as I asked.  Daughter thought about it for a bit before going to help her mom.

 

Wife’s nephew did what he wanted when he wanted.  We were hosting the wife’s family at our house.  Nephew picked up the phone to make a call.  I removed the receiver from his hand as I told him he hadn’t asked my permission.  He told me that his grandpa lets him.  I told the nephew that I’m not his grandpa and this is my house.  Nephew stomped into my living room and turned on my TV.  I was right behind and turned it off.  When “Grandpa lets me…” didn’t work on the second attempt he got his mother and they left.

 

Friday evening I had to worked late.  I was tired, glad the week was over and hoping I wouldn’t get called back to work during the weekend.  Daughter asked if I would take her the high school basketball game.  Yes.  It would be a good father daughter bonding time I thought.  As we where getting out of truck at the high school she told me that she didn’t want anyone to know that I was her father so I was to pretend I didn’t know her.  So much for my bonding idea.  At halftime I watching her make her way to me. “Dad!  Give me some money, I’m hungry!”  I looked her straight in the eye, “No.  I don’t loan strangers money.”  She blinked as she realized that I just followed her previous instructions.  Back to friends she went.  AND she NEVER asked me again to pretend I didn’t know her again. 
 

Then there was the time when my father-in-law tried to supplant my house rules in my house with his…

[bgavin]

Our eldest was that problem child... a willful adult trapped in a child's body.
Damn annoying.

At 17 she went into the Navy as a kiddie cruiser, the old fashioned way:  my foot applied to her butt.
I advised her, "Join the Navy or I will murder you."

The Navy had the one power we lacked:  the ability to remove her freedom.
Shape up, or do 2,000 to Life in Leavenworth.

30 years later, she is the C.O. for the Navy port of Guam.

[LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L]

14 hours ago, Cyrus Cassidy #45437 said:

Serious question.  I’m always enforcing standards of respect with my two teenage boys, and I deal with scouts quite a bit.  While I get the occasional backtalk or eye roll from my two (and I deal with these immediately!), scouts are never dumb enough to try it.  Fortunately, my question is not about them.

 

My son’s friend, on the other hand, is a spoiled little brat.  His divorced parents are each quite wealthy and try to buy his love.  He has the latest of every computer, phone, gaming system, and other electronic.  
 

I’m guessing he’s never been disciplined, because he shows none.  And I can’t stand him.  He makes demands, doesn’t respect anyone else’s time (but demands you respect his), and doesn’t understand why adults are upset with him when he opens his mouth.  I’m convinced he is truly clueless as to his disrespect; he doesn’t understand what he’s doing, but won’t listen to any correction.  

 

The first thing you’re going to tell me is to talk to his parents.  I already thought of that.  They don’t see it (how can you not see it?!?!?!).  
 

I’d like to ban him from my house.  I’m not exactly known for being patient, and I don’t tolerate disrespect from anyone (I have actually kicked my father-in-law out of my house on one occasion for that reason!).  But my son has reached the age where friends carry more weight than parents do, and it would likely ruin my relationship with him.  
 

So what do I do about  this kid???

Have a talk with the kid.  Tell him the expected behavior when he's a guest in your house, and that if he isn't willing to abide with that, he won't be welcome there.  Stick with that, and explain your reasoning to your kids.

[Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619]

We have five children and we never had troubles with them, or their friends, in their adolescent years. It's safe to say this now because they're all middle-aged.

 

Twelve grandchildren (most in their 20s now and three married) and not a surly or disrespectful one during those teen years.

 

My advice to the young: create conditions from toddlerhood that lead to respect and discipline. It starts gently in the early years and then never needs to get harsh later on. Fair, but firm, from the earliest years. It works.

 

My one other piece of advice to the young: when your kids are 11, 12, around that age, get them involved in a solid youth group at church or synagogue. If your church doesn't have a good one, find one. If you are not a 'believer', find one anyway. In this way, with the pizza parties, picnics, etc.  their experiences with peers and the opposite sex take place in a wholesome atmosphere.

 

4H is another great idea. Daughter #2, in the heart of the city, involved her kids from early on in 4H for years and they became truly great kids and adults and that had a lot to do with it.

 

Also-- lots of camping trips and such with the family from early on....

[Rye Miles #13621]

15 hours ago, Cyrus Cassidy #45437 said:

Serious question.  I’m always enforcing standards of respect with my two teenage boys, and I deal with scouts quite a bit.  While I get the occasional backtalk or eye roll from my two (and I deal with these immediately!), scouts are never dumb enough to try it.  Fortunately, my question is not about them.

 

My son’s friend, on the other hand, is a spoiled little brat.  His divorced parents are each quite wealthy and try to buy his love.  He has the latest of every computer, phone, gaming system, and other electronic.  
 

I’m guessing he’s never been disciplined, because he shows none.  And I can’t stand him.  He makes demands, doesn’t respect anyone else’s time (but demands you respect his), and doesn’t understand why adults are upset with him when he opens his mouth.  I’m convinced he is truly clueless as to his disrespect; he doesn’t understand what he’s doing, but won’t listen to any correction.  

 

The first thing you’re going to tell me is to talk to his parents.  I already thought of that.  They don’t see it (how can you not see it?!?!?!).  
 

I’d like to ban him from my house.  I’m not exactly known for being patient, and I don’t tolerate disrespect from anyone (I have actually kicked my father-in-law out of my house on one occasion for that reason!).  But my son has reached the age where friends carry more weight than parents do, and it would likely ruin my relationship with him.  
 

So what do I do about  this kid???

Have you talked to your son about this kid? Maybe you can convince him this kid is a spoiled brat or whatever! 

[Buffalo Creek Law Dog]

My wife and I didn't really have a discipline problem,  Their mother (my wife) was a Phys Ed teacher and their father (me) was a Military MP.  One son is now in charge of the Human Resources Dept for 14 hospitals and the other son is a high school principal.

[Yellowhouse Sam # 25171]

Stand firm like others said....its your house , your rules, and your playground.  Tell the little schnit if he doesn't change his ways that you wouldn't be surprised to learn one day someone had taken him on a ride to the train station.

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

16 hours ago, Cyrus Cassidy #45437 said:

But my son has reached the age where friends carry more weight than parents do, and it would likely ruin my relationship with him.  
 

So what do I do about  this kid???

You don’t need to do anything about him except ban him from YOUR house if he continues to violate your standard of conduct. That’s HIS choice. He’s not your problem to solve.  
 

That might upset your son, but he’ll have to learn to abide by your decision. That’s essential in a parent-child relationship. You shouldn’t have to give up your principles to placate him. If there truly is a risk that something like this will cause irreparable harm to your relationship with your son, there are other, bigger problems that need to be addressed. 
 

It isn’t easy pard, I know. 
 

Two cents from the father of two sons, now ages 37 and 41. 

[J-BAR #18287]

Respect is earned by the quality of one’s character.  Demanding respect indicates you have already lost the battle.  You can instill fear, and fear can provide some degree of control, but it probably will not grow into respect.  

Think of the officers and LEOs you have worked with over your career.  You didn’t respect all of them, even though some had the power to discipline you.  If you figure out why you respected those you did, you have your answer.

[MizPete]

53 minutes ago, J-BAR #18287 said:

Demanding respect indicates you have already lost the battle.

I, respectfully, disagree.  This kid has apparently never had a decent role model & this is an opportunity to provide one.  I, personally, like the "my roof, my way" approach & if the kid values your child's friendship a great deal of good could come from it.

Back in the day, we had a young friend whose wife swore their son had ADHD.  Except at our house.  And that boy clung to Petey like cat fur.  We figured it was because, possibly for the first time in his life, he felt like somebody gave a damn.