Yul Lose Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 My wife has a family member that is in bad shape from pancreatic cancer. The doctors have told him that surgery is not an option because it has spread. His wife has Alzheimer’s dementia so she can’t aid in any of the decisions or decision making. The guy is putting pressure on my wife and other relatives to come up with the money to send him to a big cancer center that he thinks is the cure, I have my doubts. I’ve already alienated some of the relatives because I’ve told them that he’s in to bad of shape to even make the trip and if he made it there they’d tell him it’s too late. If any of you have dealt with something like this and would like to share how to deal with something like this I’d appreciate a PM. I think Mrs. Lose is fed up with my negativity, I guess you’d call it, I call it hard choices. Thanks. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeaconKC Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 I have no useful advice for you my friend. Prayers for your family going up from here, tis all I can do. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 It's not negativity, Yul, it's realism. Of course, it is difficult to see it that way from the patient's perspective. Depends to a great degree one's concept of value of quality of life, death, and what happens afterward. One of our high school chums contracted an aggressive brain tumor, and went through some drastic treatments. She said it wasn't worth trying to prolong a miserable existence and stopped all treatments and checked out with dignity. 6 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Painted Mohawk SASS 77785 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 Advice in a situation like this is hard to give, some except their fate & prepare, others want to try everything & put pressure on others to come up with other avenues for possible success...which only leads to disagreements to those involved. When the specialists say no more can be done then IMHO Yul what you have said & feel is warranted. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abilene Slim SASS 81783 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 He sounds sort of selfish if he expects others to pay for his wishes. Plus, prolonging one’s death is not the same as treatment. He needs to come to grips with that. I know that sounds cold, but I’ve lost too many where extended treatment improved nothing, but only extended their suffering as well as their loved ones. I’m sorry to hear of his and your family’s circumstances. 5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 (edited) Advanced pancreatic cancer is a death sentence, and while one can spend one's money as he likes, guilt-tripping collateral family for money is pointless, and I wouldn't contribute. It's too bad desperation overcomes reality. I've had friends who lived only weeks after this diagnosis, and others who got a few months. That's it. Edited January 23 by Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619 6 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yul Lose Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 6 minutes ago, Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619 said: Advanced pancreatic cancer is a death sentence, and while one can spend one's money as he likes, guilt-tripping collateral family for money is pointless, and I wouldn't contribute. It's too bad desperation overcomes reality. I've had friends who lived only weeks after this diagnosis, and others who got a few months. That's it. Reality seems to be a sore subject. 4 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pat Riot Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 It sounds to me like he is in denial. I haven’t dealt with a situation exactly like this, but I have dealt with selfish manipulative family members and in-laws. How I dealt with them when they tried pushing me was one simple word and that word was “No”. Not trying to be funny but saying “No” might put him into the next stage of cancer grief, which is; Anger. It might help for you and your wife to read this, especially the 5 stages of grief regarding cancer. https://www.verywellhealth.com/emotional-stages-of-cancer-patients-5223819#toc-emotional-stages 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dilli GaHoot Galoot Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 1 hour ago, Yul Lose said: a big cancer center that he thinks is the cure, No idea which one he is thinking of, but a sad reality is that there are many places that sell nothing but hope and are happy to take all some folks have in exchange for it. If you haven't yet, checking into the place may give ya'll some extra information for the conversation 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yul Lose Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 Thank you everyone, you’ve all offered good advice and I really appreciate it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokin Gator SASS #29736 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 Very difficult situation. But there is no reason for other members of the family to mortgage their own husbands, wives and childrens futures in a hopeless situation. It's tough enough as it is. 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texas Lizard Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 You have said your thoughts...Now you have to sit and let it takes its course...There will be a lot of opinions from everyone on what you are suppose to say...Nothing is right and nothing is wrong.... Texas Lizard 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 Unfortunately in these situations too many people are unwilling to ever accept the truth in these situations. As Red said: 1 hour ago, Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619 said: Advanced pancreatic cancer is a death sentence, and while one can spend one's money as he likes, guilt-tripping collateral family for money is pointless, and I wouldn't contribute. It's too bad desperation overcomes reality. and a mentally of, "If I can hang on just one more month/week/day I KNOW that a cure will be announced" sets in. All you can do is try to stand fast and pray that the others come around to face reality and realize that an extra month of pain and suffering while bankrupting the extended family is a just a deal with the Devil. 3 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-BAR #18287 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 Suggest that he have a video conference with the doctor/doctors at that big clinic before making the trip. Help him with the Zoom or Skype conference on the computer if he needs it. Doctors do that these days; review a patient's records before admission and video conference about the patient's chances. If the big clinic encourages him to come, kick in some money to keep the rest of the family off your back, $100 maybe. It's like taking your wife out for dinner on her birthday, one of those expected expenses. I'm not saying you are unreasonable by not wanting to contribute. I expect the big clinic will not want him as a patient and actually be on your side. His rapid passing will eventually prove that you were right all along. I'm just saying a small contribution may be your most diplomatic way out of the bind he has put you in. 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imis Twohofon,SASS # 46646 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 All I can offer is a prayer, for all involved. Imis 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muleshoe Bill SASS #67022 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 My wife's brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer just before Christmas 21. He went through chemo and radiation and treatments where they took his stem cells and made up a brew that was supposed to fight the cancer. He died in August 22. It was not pretty at the end. My wife and I both felt that the metastasized cancer was in his brain, because some very very bizarre behaviors. It is a brutal cancer and one, there is no cure for sadly. I like the idea of maybe contacting (I am presuming Cancer Treatment Center of America) and doing the Skype or Zoom thing, and let those doctors tell him the facts. 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 Stage IV pancreatic cancer has a five-year survival rate of 1 percent. The average patient diagnosed with late-stage pancreatic cancer will live for about 1 year after diagnosis at best, but realistically about three to five months. Sadly, pancreatic cancer is one of the most painful types of cancer because it invades and presses on the nerves near the pancreas leading to pain in the back or abdomen. It is a cruel disease. I hope this doesn't tear the family apart. I have seen it too many times. Best to you, my friend. 5 6 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish ike, SASS #43615 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 I recently saw a survey where 10 Oncologists were asked if they would go through the various extreme cancer treatments to"maybe" survive longer. 9 out of 10 said no. Money and relatives has ruined many family ties. I offer that you keep your money as you and your Mrs. will need it in your future. 6 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 10 minutes ago, irish ike, SASS #43615 said: Money and relatives has ruined many family ties. I offer that you keep your money as you and your Mrs. will need it in your future. Maybe it's the jackass in me, but I'd say that you're more likely to need the money more than the relatives. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shepherd Book Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 I am so sorry about ya'll being in this situation. Prayers on behalf of all ya'll. SB 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bgavin Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 There is no cure for pancreatic cancer. It is a slow grower, and remains undetected until very late in its stages, and the symptoms manifest. Unless one has a religious restriction, one can opt to end their suffering on their own before it becomes literally unbearable. A CPAP and bottle of party helium will do the trick nicely. No gasping, no feeling of suffocation, out you go, then off you go. The problem is for those who remove the mask and bottle... aiding and abetting. Here in the PRK, there is a suicide pill that can be obtained legally for those who are terminal. Take it on your own terms when you are ready. One of my lodge brother's dad has it, but ain't ready to swallow it just yet. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bgavin Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 7 hours ago, Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381 said: Stage IV pancreatic cancer has a five-year survival rate of 1 percent. The average patient diagnosed with late-stage pancreatic cancer will live for about 1 year after diagnosis at best, but realistically about three to five months. Sadly, pancreatic cancer is one of the most painful types of cancer because it invades and presses on the nerves near the pancreas leading to pain in the back or abdomen. It is a cruel disease. This ^^^ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Kloehr Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 Your wife's family member... Is there somewhere he wants to go, somewhere he wants to see, or someone he wants to see. These are things I would shell out some bucks to help with. Can you help him with some experience he still wants. It sure is not chemo and surgery of this cancer, that is not something he wants. Can you help him with living rather than fighting dying? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yul Lose Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 (edited) 1 hour ago, John Kloehr said: Your wife's family member... Is there somewhere he wants to go, somewhere he wants to see, or someone he wants to see. These are things I would shell out some bucks to help with. Can you help him with some experience he still wants. It sure is not chemo and surgery of this cancer, that is not something he wants. Can you help him with living rather than fighting dying? Edited January 24 by Yul Lose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mongo, SASS #61450 Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 Sorry you're having to deal with this Yul. My wife's father contracted pancreatic cancer a number of years ago. He started to feel ill around Thanksgiving and passed shortly after New Years. If caught early a Whipple procedure may offer more time, but for almost all, as Red said earlier, it's a death sentence. My father-in-law handled it with grace and was sure of his salvation (he was an ordained minister). A small gift might help smooth some ruffled feathers, but having witnessed this first hand, I feel this would be a waste of resources. 2 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 On 1/23/2024 at 7:05 PM, bgavin said: There is no cure for pancreatic cancer. It is a slow grower, and remains undetected until very late in its stages, and the symptoms manifest. Unless one has a religious restriction, one can opt to end their suffering on their own before it becomes literally unbearable. A CPAP and bottle of party helium will do the trick nicely. No gasping, no feeling of suffocation, out you go, then off you go. The problem is for those who remove the mask and bottle... aiding and abetting. Here in the PRK, there is a suicide pill that can be obtained legally for those who are terminal. Take it on your own terms when you are ready. One of my lodge brother's dad has it, but ain't ready to swallow it just yet. Here in Canada, perhaps the only good thing the current government has done is legalize "MAID" (Medical Assistance in Dying) complete with a set of rules and requirements. A cowboy friend of mine was terminal and in a lot of pain that was only getting worse. He availed himself of the service and after saying goodbye to us the day before and with his immediate family around him his suffering was ended. God Speed Roger! Your Pards still think of you and miss you. Your picture hangs in our clubhouse as a founding member of our posse. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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