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Yul Lose
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My son in law that’s 2years 247 days older than me has turned into a full blown hippy. He retired 4 years ago and brags that he hasn’t cut his hair or shaved or trimmed his beard in 4 years. . His wife who is much younger than him, she actually looks like she could pass for his granddaughter (yep, it’s that bad) just rolls her eyes. He has started wearing brightly colored tie dyed clothes and really goofy looking knee high socks with cartoon characters on them and sandals. It’s bad enough he shows up at my house for family meals looking like that but there is a family trip planned to Yellowstone in May that’s been cancelled for the last 2 years because of Covid and I’ve already told my wife that if I’m on that trip and he dresses that way that I’ll be doing a lot of sight seeing by myself because I don’t want to be seen with that clown. She says I’m to harsh, ya think?

 

He’s skinny as a rail, probably pushing 6’” 6” and stands out in a crowd as it is but now it’s over the top. His global warming, climate change mantras get old in a hurry and he loves to bash guns, wood working and most of the other stuff that I enjoy. I’ve told him to stay out of my shop because his constant criticism when he’s out there really pisses me off. He’ll pick up a small scrap of wood from the scrap bin and tell me how wasteful I am. Yesterday he accused me of wasting masking tape because I mask the inside faces of my dovetail joints to keep the glue off. I have just about had it and am probably not going to go on the family trip to Yellowstone because of the potential blowup between the 2 of us if it doesn’t happen before.

 

Any thoughts or recommendations? I told my wife this evening that the next time he comes into my shop uninvited I’m going to pepper-spray him because I don’t want him in there. 

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Different details, similar situation.  I have come down to the point that if my girl is happy with the guy, I just think of that.  I will admit she has trained the guy a bit since the first visit, and that makes it easier.

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1 minute ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

Yule....I bet you wanted to masking tape up his mouth!

Duct tape.

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Pepper spray would get you into trouble. I would sit him down and have a serious one sided heart to heart.and let m

him know that you are worlds apart, not going to change, and he should keep his societal philosophy to himself and you will do the same. But it sounds like that might fall on deaf ears and  that might create more problems in the familial realm than you deserve. 
I feel for you. :(

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1 minute ago, Utah Bob #35998 said:

Pepper spray would get you into trouble. I would sit him down and have a serious one sided heart to heart.and let m

him know that you are worlds apart, not going to change, and he should keep his societal philosophy to himself and you will do the same. But it sounds like that might fall on deaf ears and  that might create more problems in the familial realm than you deserve. 
I feel for you. :(

Thanks, UB. I’ve tried sitting him down for a heart to heart and it gets ugly in a hurry, I believe that’s why he stepped up his wild clothing, etc.. my wife says to ignore him but when he’s in my shop getting in the way and sticking scraps of wood and wadded up tape in my face it’s all I can do to not hit him in the face with a 2x4, it’s that bad. I’ve asked my step daughter to talk to him about it and I truly believe that she’s afraid to. 

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Yul...I was reared by a harsh man. You Sir, are not harsh.

Now...if the joker is looking for attention, he will most likely get the kind he doesn't want.

I take it that he married your wife's daughter???

(Bit confused on how he is SIL)

Regardless, your house, your rules...

And, we went on a leg of a family trip with part of the family who is no where near our likemindedness...and we were miserable.

Best to go on your own, and let the rest go on theirs.

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Just now, Singin' Sue 71615 said:

Yul...I was reared by a harsh man. You Sir, are not harsh.

Now...if the joker is looking for attention, he will most likely get the kind he doesn't want.

I take it that he married your wife's daughter???

(Bit confused on how he is SIL)

Regardless, your house, your rules...

And, we went on a leg of a family trip with part of the family who is no where near our likemindedness...and we were miserable.

Best to go on your own, and let the rest go on theirs.

Yep, my wife’s daughter. I married older and the daughter did too. 

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Just now, Yul Lose said:

Yep, my wife’s daughter. I married older and the daughter did too. 

Aha....gotcha.

Yup, we are at an age that we really don't NEED to go on trips to make someone else happy.

Shanley can go do what he wants, and so can I.

2 TTs and truck...

He went hunting with the sons, I took the pup to the cabin.

But, we don't usually go seperate ways...we still like each other!!

I do not go to certain functions, because I don't care to be around certain family and ex-family...and the kiddos realize that.

If Shanley wants to go, he goes alone.

Hope it works to your favor.

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There's only so much time we have on this little spinning ball that orbits a bright ball of fire.  My suggestion is to boot him out and forget about him.  I've done that with various family members over the years and am much happier for it.  But I can get pretty harsh like that.

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People fall down stairs all the time. Might remind him of that. Your house you have to decide what you are willing to do. But my house isn't any of that going to go on. I've had to deal with a different kind of family BS last few years and my tolerance has disappeared. Well what little I had to begin with. 

 

Good luck , I know I would need some, well or a set of stairs.

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"Shut the hell up and get the hell out!" 

 

I'm not sure what the trespassing laws are in our state, if allowing him in your house covers your shop.  If not, call the police.

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Many years ago, I had a boss who was also a family friend and my dad’s former CO in the Air Force!  He was a good guy, but he micromanaged to the point of disrupting production.  Everyone else in the shop dreaded having to deal with him.

 

 I, on the other hand, used my various duties to discourage the interference.  I did dealer prep on new equipment and cleaned, restored, and repainted used equipment.  If he spent too much time around me, I’d “accidentally” squirt him with the grease gun or spray him, “unintentionally” with the steam jenny. I once even painted his pants leg Allis Chalmers orange!!

 

After a while, he figured out two things.  First! I knew what I was supposed to be doing and how to do it. Second! I didn’t like or want someone standing over me!!

 

Your SIL might could use a good coat of varnish!! :rolleyes: :o :lol:

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I vote for the pepper spray - Ursa Major brand!

 

A man much like you described married a friend of our family about 10 years ago. He's a flaming leftist physicist who thinks he is Albert Einstein and works hard at looking the part-- a 100% nonconformist to everything except his far left brainwashing in the university.  All he wants to do is expound and argue over any subject brought up.  I truly cannot stand being around him.

 

  I never thought of pepper spray before-- GREAT IDEA!  The stuff is designed to hold undesirables at a distance.  Perfect!

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1 hour ago, Rip Snorter said:

Different details, similar situation.  I have come down to the point that if my girl is happy with the guy, I just think of that.  I will admit she has trained the guy a bit since the first visit, and that makes it easier.

Patience is quite a virtue, as far as it goes.  But Yul describes a pretty over-the-top situation. 

I would succinctly  ask him to either accept my house rules or leave--not ASAP, but NOW.   

 

And I'd ask my daughter not to bring him back if he cannot change his behavior in my home.  I'd plan to fight off the Yellowstone grizzlies alone.   

 

It was Sir Winston Churchill who said, "The definition of a fanatic is a person who cannot change their mind and refuses to change the subject". 

Yul's Son in Law  sounds exactly like that.  You can't reason with a man like that, and shouldn't punish yourself for not being able to.  

Like Doc Shapiro said, our time here on this planet is too short to put up with this kind of behavior. 

Edited by Dusty Devil Dale
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4 minutes ago, Dusty Devil Dale said:

Patience is quite a virtue, as far as it goes.  But Yul describes a pretty over-the-top situation. 

I would succinctly  ask him to either accept my house rules or leave--not ASAP, but NOW.   

 

And I'd ask my daughter not to bring him back if he cannot change his behavior in my home.  I'd plan to fight off the Yellowstone grizzlies alone.   

 

It was Sir Winston Churchill who said, "The definition of a fanatic is a person who cannot change their mind and refuses to change the subject". 

Yul's Son in Law  sounds exactly like that.  You can't reason with a man like that, and shouldn't punish yourself for not being able to.  

Like Doc Shapiro said, our time here on this planet is too short to put up with this kind of behavior. 

There’s no talking with the guy, he refuses to listen to why I do things the way I do them and why. I’ve tried to show him how I build trays and smaller boxes out of the scraps that he’s bitching about but he’s already made up his mind. I told him the last time that he pulled a piece of scrap out of the bin that just because it’s in there doesn’t mean I’m not going to use it. When you’ve been accumulating lumber for 30+ years you don’t have room to keep every little scrap. He actually went down to the place that I buy the majority of my lumber from awhile back and found out the price of various species of lumber and calculated out what a small scrap of black walnut that he found in the bin cost, it didn’t matter to him that there’s was a knot and large check or crack in it.

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2 minutes ago, Yul Lose said:

There’s no talking with the guy, he refuses to listen to why I do things the way I do them and why. I’ve tried to show him how I build trays and smaller boxes out of the scraps that he’s bitching about but he’s already made up his mind. I told him the last time that he pulled a piece of scrap out of the bin that just because it’s in there doesn’t mean I’m not going to use it. When you’ve been accumulating lumber for 30+ years you don’t have room to keep every little scrap. He actually went down to the place that I buy the majority of my lumber from awhile back and found out the price of various species of lumber and calculated out what a small scrap of black walnut that he found in the bin cost, it didn’t matter to him that there’s was a knot and large check or crack in it.


Maybe shellac!!  He deserves the unvarnished truth!!

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3 minutes ago, Blackwater 53393 said:


Maybe shellac!!  He deserves the unvarnished truth!!

I like your orange paint idea.

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27 minutes ago, Yul Lose said:

There’s no talking with the guy, he refuses to listen to why I do things the way I do them and why. I’ve tried to show him how I build trays and smaller boxes out of the scraps that he’s bitching about but he’s already made up his mind. I told him the last time that he pulled a piece of scrap out of the bin that just because it’s in there doesn’t mean I’m not going to use it. When you’ve been accumulating lumber for 30+ years you don’t have room to keep every little scrap. He actually went down to the place that I buy the majority of my lumber from awhile back and found out the price of various species of lumber and calculated out what a small scrap of black walnut that he found in the bin cost, it didn’t matter to him that there’s was a knot and large check or crack in it.

He has a problem!  Don't let it become yours!

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I can kind of relate. I have two sisters I don't talk to anymore. We used to do a lot with the worst one. Kind of miss the brother-in-law...but not his ignorant wife.

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I have the female version of your SIL. She used to come down for a visit about 4 times a year. It visit became progressively worse. She was so bad that she would get my wife into tears. My wife would always forgive her. She always played the role of being the family glue. About 3 years ago I hit my limit and threw her out, told her her she was no longer welcome in our home.

Nice and peaceful around her these days

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10 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

"Shut the hell up and get the hell out!" 

 

I'm not sure what the trespassing laws are in our state, if allowing him in your house covers your shop.  If not, call the police.

Oh that is much too  nice a way to advise this fellow of your feelings.  I had a brother-in-law who would tell me in front of the entire family that my religion, my race, my fraternal and political associations were the cause of the problems of this world and that because I attended a university of his particular faith and retained my own faith that I was a traitor.  I used the language of my Mom's ancestors (Anglo-Saxon) to advise him to F...off .  Mean talk for a mean person.  His tirades along those lines were significantly reduced. 

 

STL Suomi

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I wouldn't go on the "family trip" if he was in attendance. Life is too short to be spending money on what is supposed to be a fun trip only to be aggravated by an idiot. Schedule another outing without including him or them.

 

As far as the workshop/house deal, My House, My Rules. Either follow them or get the F out.

 

By the way, how good of aim are you with wasp spray? Hmm, maybe your aim isn't so good after all.;)

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2 hours ago, Old Man Graybeard said:

I can kind of relate. I have two sisters I don't talk to anymore. We used to do a lot with the worst one. Kind of miss the brother-in-law...but not his ignorant wife.

I have one of those as well...never married.

Hmmmmm.....

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In jest, since you live in California, you could procure an emergency supply of some "herbal substance" and a large bag of Chettos.    When he comes to visit, you could offer him a special treat.  He would be too incapacitated, or preoccupied, to bother you.

 

Seriously, there are members of our family (mine/wife's) that don't speak to, unless absolutely necessary.  I may have become a curmudgeon in my old age, but at this point in my life, I don't want to deal with people that I dislike or cause me major stress.  I try not to be ugly, or aggressive, but I'm quite clear that I don't want to engage with them.

 

You are not alone with this problem.  The "picture perfect" family does not exist, those who disagree are just in denial. 

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My wife's little sister married a guy 14 years older than she is.

 

Both were school teachers in the US military schools on Japan and Okinawa for 27 years.  They are pseudo-intellectual left wing pukes.  They think they are smarter than anyone else and are entitled to be and do and get whatever they want.  I set them straight at a Thanksgiving dinner almost 35 years ago when they spouted off about how stupid Marines were.  I told them if they really felt that was to get jobs that didn't involve them even seeing another Marine.  I haven't spoken a word to him since then and if I'm in a room he won't come in.  If he's in a room and I walk in he  gets up and leaves.  They haven't been in my house since 1979.

 

Little sister is some better, but she worships this guy and wants us to be friends.  They came to my wife's burial services and she came alone to my grandson's high school graduation.

 

I don't want to ever see either one of them again.

Edited by Forty Rod SASS 3935
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11 hours ago, Yul Lose said:

There’s no talking with the guy, he refuses to listen to why I do things the way I do them and why. I’ve tried to show him how I build trays and smaller boxes out of the scraps that he’s bitching about but he’s already made up his mind. I told him the last time that he pulled a piece of scrap out of the bin that just because it’s in there doesn’t mean I’m not going to use it. When you’ve been accumulating lumber for 30+ years you don’t have room to keep every little scrap. He actually went down to the place that I buy the majority of my lumber from awhile back and found out the price of various species of lumber and calculated out what a small scrap of black walnut that he found in the bin cost, it didn’t matter to him that there’s was a knot and large check or crack in it.

As I am sure you're aware, Yul, working very small workpieces with power tools can be very dangerous.  Most woodworkers save the smaller pieces for hand work.  So let the guy do some hand woodworking.  Then explain why he cannot just use the power equipment, unless he wants to lose a finger.  Better yet, let him try it!

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13 hours ago, Yul Lose said:

My son in law that’s 2years 247 days older than me has turned into a full blown hippy. He retired 4 years ago and brags that he hasn’t cut his hair or shaved or trimmed his beard in 4 years. . His wife who is much younger than him, she actually looks like she could pass for his granddaughter (yep, it’s that bad) just rolls her eyes. He has started wearing brightly colored tie dyed clothes and really goofy looking knee high socks with cartoon characters on them and sandals. It’s bad enough he shows up at my house for family meals looking like that but there is a family trip planned to Yellowstone in May that’s been cancelled for the last 2 years because of Covid and I’ve already told my wife that if I’m on that trip and he dresses that way that I’ll be doing a lot of sight seeing by myself because I don’t want to be seen with that clown. She says I’m to harsh, ya think?

 

He’s skinny as a rail, probably pushing 6’” 6” and stands out in a crowd as it is but now it’s over the top. His global warming, climate change mantras get old in a hurry and he loves to bash guns, wood working and most of the other stuff that I enjoy. I’ve told him to stay out of my shop because his constant criticism when he’s out there really pisses me off. He’ll pick up a small scrap of wood from the scrap bin and tell me how wasteful I am. Yesterday he accused me of wasting masking tape because I mask the inside faces of my dovetail joints to keep the glue off. I have just about had it and am probably not going to go on the family trip to Yellowstone because of the potential blowup between the 2 of us if it doesn’t happen before.

 

Any thoughts or recommendations? I told my wife this evening that the next time he comes into my shop uninvited I’m going to pepper-spray him because I don’t want him in there. 

 

Don't pepper spray him.

 

What does your wife say?

 

I'd almost certainly skip the trip and tell them the trip will go better if I'm not along.

 

I don't have enough information to know, but there is the faint possibility that he does this partly because he thinks he's being funny and partly to see how you will respond.  Again there is the very faint possibility that giving him some of the same crap that he gives you might cause him to back down and behave himself.

 

If your stepdaughter is afraid to speak up, then it seems very likely there are other problems as well.  Forcing your stepdaughter to choose between her husband and you (as well as her mom) probably isn't going to go well.

 

None of us are there and none of us have all the information, so remember that however well intentioned any advice on the internet is usually worth what you paid for it.

 

Maybe lock the door to your workshop so he can't get in while you're out there

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10 minutes ago, Chantry said:

 

Don't pepper spray him.

 

What does your wife say?

 

I'd almost certainly skip the trip and tell them the trip will go better if I'm not along.

 

I don't have enough information to know, but there is the faint possibility that he does this partly because he thinks he's being funny and partly to see how you will respond.  Again there is the very faint possibility that giving him some of the same crap that he gives you might cause him to back down and behave himself.

 

If your stepdaughter is afraid to speak up, then it seems very likely there are other problems as well.  Forcing your stepdaughter to choose between her husband and you (as well as her mom) probably isn't going to go well.

 

None of us are there and none of us have all the information, so remember that however well intentioned any advice on the internet is usually worth what you paid for it.

 

Maybe lock the door to your workshop so he can't get in while you're out there

My wife says to ignore him but it’s become increasingly difficult to do so because of the in my face theatrics. He comes over every Tuesday afternoon to go through our garbage searching for cans, bottles and other recyclables. He does not have trash collection service at his house because he is to cheap and prides himself in not generating garbage. Makes a big deal out of bringing over a garbage bag or 2 per year of how little garbage he generates, ugh. I’ve decided that I’ll lock the shop up on Tuesday afternoons from now on and see if that helps.

 

I did have a conversation with my daughter, not the step daughter a few minutes ago and she says that since they’re going on the Yellowstone trip too that they’ll be happy to accompany me on my sightseeing trips without the clown.

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First, don't pepper spray him. That will get you arrested. Second, tell your family you don't like him and will not be traveling with him because of his arrogance and rudeness. I have told family members the harsh truth in the past, one actually changed their behavior and the rest of the family thanked me. The others, well my life is much better without their antics and self-inflated theatrics. Also, consider sending him a registered letter telling him to stay off your property or you will call the police on him for trespassing. If he does come around, call the cops and then you can have a Court Order for No Contact. Then if he comes around again, he will be arrested and charged.

People like him will not change until forced to do so.

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58 minutes ago, Yul Lose said:

My wife says to ignore him but it’s become increasingly difficult to do so because of the in my face theatrics. He comes over every Tuesday afternoon to go through our garbage searching for cans, bottles and other recyclables. He does not have trash collection service at his house because he is to cheap and prides himself in not generating garbage. Makes a big deal out of bringing over a garbage bag or 2 per year of how little garbage he generates, ugh. I’ve decided that I’ll lock the shop up on Tuesday afternoons from now on and see if that helps.

 

I did have a conversation with my daughter, not the step daughter a few minutes ago and she says that since they’re going on the Yellowstone trip too that they’ll be happy to accompany me on my sightseeing trips without the clown.

 

 

Locking the shop is a good idea. If I were you I'd probably put a lock on the garbage cans, too! Tell him it's to keep scavengers out.

 

My Father in Law is a PITA, in a different way than your son in law is. I work from home, and have taken to closing the door of my office and pretending to be on a conference call whenever he's over during work hours (a couple times a week).

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I feel for you, Yul.  It sounds to me that your relative is getting a kick out of busting your chops (as we used to say in NJ).  I ignore people like that and they usually stay away from me since I can be particularly nasty when it comes to words, as everyone has a weakness or secret that they don't want advertised.  If you're stuck with him going on that trip, wear your western duds and your buffalo coat.  If he complains laugh at him.  Laughter can drive some folks to apoplexy. 

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