A grasshopper walks into a bar........

[Widder, SASS #59054]

The bartender says..... "Hey, we have a drink named after you"

The grasshopper looks puzzled and replies..... "what idiot named a drink Kevin?"

 

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

 

..........Widder

 

[Pat Riot]

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

[J-BAR #18287]

I was considering swearing off the Saloon, but these 2 posts have pulled me back in.  Like Al Pacino.

 

Dang!

[DeaconKC]

50 minutes ago, Pat Riot said:

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

I fell right into that one...

I hate you...

Nicely done!

[J-BAR #18287]

 

Grasshopper:

 

Senior year in engineering school, 1967,  being recruited by Celanese Inc. for their Pampa, Texas chemical plant (it blew up a few years later).  Dinner in a fancy restaurant with upper plant management and other prospective recruits.  Waitress is taking after dinner drink orders.  I wanted a Creme De Menthe but didn't know how to pronounce it correctly, so I mumbled it.  She says, "What?"  I mumble it softly again.  "What?" again.  My host says loudly, "Creme De Menthe!!"

 

The last time I had that effing liqueur.

 

Pop:

 

On my second job, in Cheboygan, Michigan, 1968, dining with other recently graduated engineers.  Waitress comes to our table for drink orders.  We look like the kids we are.  She says, "I need to see IDs."  So we show her we are all over 21.  She smiles.  Until we all order soda pop.  No more smiles that night.

 

Thanks for the memories.

 

Maybe.

[watab kid]

"....Life is sexually transmitted....."

 

yup and its a terminal condition , so make the best of what you got , 

 

ive never had a grasshopper drink - are they good ? ive only had a chocolate covered grasshopper and that was not all that great , never had a kevin drink either , that doesnt sound all that good 

[Widder, SASS #59054]

A Hamburger walks in a bar and orders a drink.....Bartender says:

"Sorry, we don't serve food here".

 

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate in which one can die.

 

 

If you are feeling BLUE, start breathing again.

 

 

A day without sunshine is like.............. night.

 

Speaking of night...... what is the speed of dark?

 

 

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

 

..........Widder

 

 

 

[Creeker, SASS #43022]

A Buddhist walks up to the hot dog vendor, says, "Make me one with everything".

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!" At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same beer. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death. The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Prick when you're drunk, Superman."

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister all walk into a bar together and the bartender says "what is this, some sort of joke ???"  

[Matthew Duncan]

A good thing about old age is that it doesn’t last long.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A Blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button." "What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked. The Blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE"

[Widder, SASS #59054]

3 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

A Blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button." "What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked. The Blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE"

 

That right there. ^^^ deserves two 

 

..........Widder

 

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

4 hours ago, Matthew Duncan said:

A good thing about old age is that it doesn’t last long.

Temuchin, a character in Harry Harrison's book Deathworld: "Life is nothing more than the day to day putting off of the inevitable."  I read that thirtu or more years ago and since that day I have had no fear of dying.

[bgavin]

16 hours ago, Widder, SASS #59054 said:

Life is sexually transmitted.

If your mother never had any children, chances are, you won't either.

Keep 'em coming... I so love Stupid Dad Jokes™

[Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381]

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”

[Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381]

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please! And one for the road!”

[Cypress Sun]

 

A Catholic priest walks in a bar and says "I need a table for three".

[Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Moldovan, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, a Laotian, a Vietnamese guy, a Cambodian, a North Korean, a South Korean, an American, a Mexican, a Canadian, a Brazilian, an Australian, a New Zealander, a South African, a Libyan, a Moroccan, a Spaniard and a Cuban try to walk into a fancy cocktail bar.

The bouncer says, ‘Sorry, lads… you can’t come in without a Thai.’

[Widder, SASS #59054]

The Mechanic told the truck owner that he couldn't fix his brakes..........

So he made his horn louder.

 

 

..........Widder

 

[LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L]

I'm a great ventrilloquist, even if I do say so myself.

 

I’ve just been attacked by a herd of hungry cows.
I’m ok, but I’ve been badly grazed.

 

I can count the number of chainsaw accidents I've had on one hand!

 

Last night, I had a visit from a ghost...
I knew it the moment she walked through the door.

 

He tried to sell me a raffle ticket for poor little kids.  I said I had two of them already. 

[Lawdog Dago Dom]

There is a rabbi in the next town over that does free circumcisions.

 

He only takes tips.

[Blackwater 53393]

A travel worn adventurer eases up to the bar. The barkeep asks him what he wants. Our hero says, “ Just a shot of rye.”

 

The bartender serves the requested beverage and the man picks it up, puts it behind his back, and tosses it into the air, catching the liquid in his mouth and the shot glass in his hand.  He then orders another drink.

 

When the barkeep delivers it, the man sets the drink on the heel of his boot, snaps a short reverse kick that sends the glass and contents skyward. Again, he catches the liquor in his mouth, but this time he hooks his thumb into his shirt pocket and catches the glass there!  He, again, asks for another shot.

 

Our mixologist is a bit perturbed and demands to know just what this character is up to.

 

Our hero explains. “All my life, I’ve tried to find the hardest way to do something and then set out to do it! Tonight, it’s how to drink a shot.”

 

The bartender shakes his head and studies on the idea for a moment, “Okay, wise guy! What’s,”

 

Our hero holds up a hand and halts the question, mid sentence. “I know what you’re fixing to ask and I’ll save you the trouble!” He looks around knowingly, leans in a little and continues, “It’s in a hammock while standing on your head!”

[Blackwater 53393]

A college professor walks into a bar!

 

When he comes to, a cute little coed is looking down at him. She says, “Doc you should’ve DUCKED!”

[Pat Riot]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

A minute later he hears, “You look great. Have you lost weight?” He looks around, but there’s no one near.

Again, a minute later, he hears, “You know, you don’t look a day over 30.” Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, “Did you hear that?”

The bartender says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

[Widder, SASS #59054]

A young man's car breaks down out in the country.

 

So, he walks to the closest farm house, knocks on the door, and tells Mr.Farmer about his situation.

 

Mr.Farmer tells him its getting late so he can stay the night, BUT..... he'll have to sleep in his sons bedroom

because he don't have a daughter.

 

The visiting lad says..... "Excuse me, I'm in the wrong joke".

 

 

..........Widder

 

[Pat Riot]

Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Three Blondes Walk into a Bar... 

They get a table and order a round of drinks. When the server brings the drinks over, the blondes clink the glasses together and say, "A toast to 36 hours!"

The blondes order several more rounds, and each time they make the same toast to 36 hours. After the fourth round, the server gives in to curiosity and asks, "Why are you toasting to 36 hours?"

One of the blondes replies, "Oh well, we just finished this really hard jigsaw puzzle, and on the side of the box it said 2 to 4 years!"

[John Kloehr]

6 hours ago, LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L said:

He tried to sell me a raffle ticket for poor little kids.  I said I had two of them already. 

Now that is good!

[LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L]

I don't talk bad about the wife, but her cooking broke the dog from begging at the table.

 

Her cooking was so bad the flies pitched in to get the screen door fixed.

 

Now my wife is threatening to divorce me because of my obsession with being a game show host.  More on that after a word from our sponsor...

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

26 minutes ago, LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L said:

I don't talk bad about the wife, but her cooking broke the dog from begging at the table.

 

Her cooking was so bad the flies pitched in to get the screen door fixed.

 

Now my wife is threatening to divorce me because of my obsession with being a game show host.  More on that after a word from our sponsor...

You need to tell her that the smoke detector is NOT a food timer!

[Cowboy Small]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

 

CS 

[Pat Riot]

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three dollars.

Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

[Pat Riot]

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?" The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions." "Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?"