A grasshopper walks into a bar........

[John Kloehr]

On 6/27/2023 at 11:13 PM, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar.  
 

Ok, I made that up.

 

On 6/28/2023 at 7:07 AM, Eyesa Horg said:

It is possible 

At noon?

[John Kloehr]

A guy walks into a bar with a suitcase. He sets it down, opens it, pulls out a coffee mug with a tip sign, a small piano, and a little man just one foot tall.

 

The little man sits at the piano and starts playing beautiful music, patrons pass by and drop change in the mug for the guy.

 

The bartender is curious and comes over to ask about this strange sight. The guy explains he found a magic lantern, rubbed it and was granted one wish. And the piano and pianist was what he got.

 

The bartender laughs and says that is not what I would have wished for, not at all. Now you are sitting in a bar collecting coins!

 

The guy hands over the lamp and says give it a try yourself, just speak clearly!

 

The bartender rubs the lantern and says "I wish for a million bucks to fly into this bar and drop right here in front of me.

 

There is a great whooshing noise, ducks start flying in the open back door, poop on the bar in front of him, and fly out the front door.

 

After the last duck flys away, the guy says "I told you to speak clearly, do you really think I wished for a 12" pianist?"

 

 

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

4 hours ago, Alpo said:

I know people hate to be corrected, but just in case someone decides they would like to read that book.

 

Deathworld was a series. Three novels (Deathworld, Deathworld 2 The Ethical Engineer, and Deathworld 3)

and a short story. The one about the Mongol-like nomads riding and fighting over the plains is Deathworld 3.

Thanks.  

Deathworld was the original and took place on a geographical nightmare of a planet.

 

Deathworld 2 was a blivet and IMHO had no  value whatsoever.

 

Deathworld 3 was almost as good as 1.

 

Another quote from another SF novel (I can't recall which one but I think it was by Robert Heinlein.  One of the characters said "You're going to get over this some time.  Why not now?"  It has become a mantra in my family ever since.  It really helps.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

6 hours ago, Sundog said:

 

Your name must be Thomas Taylor.  A guy I know told me of Harrison's book and how a Thomas Taylor told him to read it and have no fear of dying long ago.  He indicated that you told him after an alias, "Boston John", died years ago.  Since he read the book, the guy I know is not afraid of dying either.

That was me.  Thanks for the memory.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

On 6/25/2023 at 10:48 PM, Pat Riot said:

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?" The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions." "Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?"

That must be #3, I knew the punch line before I read the fifth word.

[Pat Riot]

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would go out. Each time this happened, the place would erupt into cheers.
A nun walked into the bar. And, when the patrons saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 

“May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, 

“Sure, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun way to the restroom.

After a few minutes, the lights went out again and the nun came back out as the whole place stopped to give the nun a loud, enthusiastic round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 

“Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You know,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

[Pat Riot]

A Nun Walks Into a Bar – Bar Joke

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a A Nun Walks Into a Bar and starts lecturing him on the evils of drinking. 

“”You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”” 

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. 

“”How do you know this, Sister?”” 

“”My Mother Superior told me so.””

“”But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”” 

“”Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”” 

“”Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”” 

“”How could I, a Nun, sit inside this public house drinking?!”” 

“”I’ll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.””

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes to the bartender 

“”Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks””, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “”and could you put the vodka in a teacup?””

“Damnit! Is that Nun in here again?…”

[Widder, SASS #59054]

A Priest walks into a bar and starts listening to all the

'bar jokes', etc......

 

After about 5 minutes, he ask.....'HEY, anyone got any jokes

about a Baptist walking into a dance hall'?

 

 

..........Widder

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

> A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
> "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
> When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
> name of your willy?"
> The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
> drink.
> The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
> me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
> slogan 'Just Do It.'
> That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
> Really Satisfies."
> The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will
> give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man
> sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the
> name of yours?"
> The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty
> cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it
> takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
> A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
> happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you
> guys call yours?"
> The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
> "'Quality is Job One" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
> The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'
> And gives a wink!
> Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
> comes up with a name for his manhood.
> Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my
> willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
> The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a
> puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
> The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
> FOR A WOMAN!!!!"