A grasshopper walks into a bar........

[Pat Riot]

Little known fact:

Before the crowbar was invented.

Crows simply drank at home.

[Cowboy Small]

I saw two big black birds that were stuck together.....they were velcrows.

 

CS 

[LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L]

I went by a pet store, where they were giving away free legless birds.
Their sign said no perches necessary.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Boudreau and Thibodeau walked into a bar and ordered a couple of drinks. They then took sandwiches from paper bags they had brought with them and began to eat. 

Seeing this, the angry bar owner approached them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

 

Boudreau and Thibodeau look at each other, shrug and exchanged sandwiches.

[Imis Twohofon,SASS # 46646]

Two drunks stumbled out of a bar. One ran head on into a telephone pole. He got up, felt up high, down low and all around the pole. Then he told his pal "Damn, we're locked in!"

 

Imis

[Pat Riot]

Two ladies are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker says, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.” The first responds, “Watch me.” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. 
The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

 “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer. 

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.

“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.” 

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

[Widder, SASS #59054]

I think we need a "BOO"  button.

 

 

..........Widder

 

[Alpo]

When I heard that one it was a "manly man" with the Labrador - actually I believe he had a Doberman in the joke I heard - and the guy with the Chihuahua was a "slender gentleman of exquisite grace".

 

Not women.

[LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L]

500 percent of the time, I'm exaggerating.

 

Why do tires cost so much?
I've heard it's due to inflation.

 

To lose weight, go to your local paint store.
You can get thinner there.

 

I lost my rare deck of Tarot cards. I was sad. That cost me a fortune.

[Pat Riot]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”

[Cypress Sun]

4 hours ago, Widder, SASS #59054 said:

I think we need a "BOO"  button.

 

 

..........Widder

 

 

My gal used to have a dog named Boo.

You'd have to lower the bar considerably for him to walk into it.

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

45 minutes ago, Cypress Sun said:

My gal used to have a dog named Boo

Were you laughing and a living off the land?

[Widder, SASS #59054]

4 minutes ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said:

Were you laughing and a living off the land?

 

He loved being a free man.

 

..........Widder

 

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

11 minutes ago, Widder, SASS #59054 said:

 

He loved being a free man.

 

..........Widder

 

Since you GOT it:

 

[LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L]

Someone said my bird puns were unpheasant.  

 

It was hawkward.

[Pat Riot]

A guy was getting drunk at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?"
The guy was feeling pretty good so he yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

[Cypress Sun]

2 hours ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said:

Were you laughing and a living off the land?

 

2 hours ago, Widder, SASS #59054 said:

 

He loved being a free man.

 

..........Widder

 

 

I couldn't afford to live off the land.

 

I do love being a free man though...well, at least I do when she tells me I can.

[Cowboy Small]

A priest, a preacher and a rabbit walks into a bar. The bartender looked up and says " I  think there is a typo here "

 

CS 

[Widder, SASS #59054]

6 minutes ago, Cowboy Small said:

A priest, a preacher and a rabbit walks into a bar. The bartender looked up and says " I  think there is a typo here "

 

CS 

 

.......... B000000000

 

(for the record, a 'BOO' is earned when a top notch shooter runs a stage clean and efficient.   Instead of

the typical 'congrats' or 'well done',  he/she earns a 'BOO' from his/her pards, signifying 'well done'.)

 

 

..........Widder

 

[Pat Riot]

3 hours ago, Widder, SASS #59054 said:

 

.......... B000000000

 

(for the record, a 'BOO' is earned when a top notch shooter runs a stage clean and efficient.   Instead of

the typical 'congrats' or 'well done',  he/she earns a 'BOO' from his/her pards, signifying 'well done'.)

 

 

..........Widder

 

What…I think that’s a great joke. 
 

Wait, are we keeping score? 

[Pat Riot]

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." The bartender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and again says, "I want to buy some peanuts." The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, "I want to buy some peanuts!" The outraged bartender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, "Sorry, don't have nails." The duck asks, "Well then, do you have any peanuts?"

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar.  
 

Ok, I made that up.

[Eyesa Horg]

7 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar.  
 

Ok, I made that up.

It is possible 

[Alpo]

What is the name of the Irishman that lives on the back porch?

 

Paddy O'Furniture.

[Sedalia Dave]

1 hour ago, Eyesa Horg said:

It is possible 

 

Only if the bar ran out of alcohol. 

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

Three ducks walk into a bar, 1st says " I'm Huey, I've been splashing around in puddles all day and I need a drink." Second says " I'm Dewey, Ive been splashing around in puddles all day and I need a drink." Bartender looks at the third duck says " you must be Louie" . " Oh no, I'm Puddles" was the reply.

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith and it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

[Pat Riot]

A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!” The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”
Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man.

This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”

 

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

The past, present and future walk into a bar, It was tense.

 

 

 

A screwdriver walks into a bar,

The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??”

 

 

 

A panda walks into a bar,

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

 

 

A cowboy walks into a bar, His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. 

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. 
Then, the gator will close his mouth for one minute.  

Then, he'll open his mouth 
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. 
In return for witnessing this spectacle, 
each of you will buy me a drink." 

The crowd murmured their approval. 
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, 
and placed his Pasqual and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. 
The gator closed his mouth 
as the crowd gasped. 
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer 
bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. 

The gator opened his mouth 
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. 

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. 

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 

A girl timidly spoke up, a Blonde.

"I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[Subdeacon Joe]

On 6/24/2023 at 11:26 PM, Creeker, SASS #43022 said:

A Buddhist walks up to the hot dog vendor, says, "Make me one with everything".

 

He hands the vendor a $20 Bill, the vendor hands him the hotdog.  They smile at each other.

 

After waiting a few minutes the Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?" The vendor's smile gets wider and he says, "Change comes from within."

[Sundog]

On 6/25/2023 at 7:17 AM, Forty Rod SASS 3935 said:

Temuchin, a character in Harry Harrison's book Deathworld: "Life is nothing more than the day to day putting off of the inevitable."  I read that thirtu or more years ago and since that day I have had no fear of dying.

 

Your name must be Thomas Taylor.  A guy I know told me of Harrison's book and how a Thomas Taylor told him to read it and have no fear of dying long ago.  He indicated that you told him after an alias, "Boston John", died years ago.  Since he read the book, the guy I know is not afraid of dying either.

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

41 minutes ago, Sundog said:

 

Your name must be Thomas Taylor.  A guy I know told me of Harrison's book and how a Thomas Taylor told him to read it and have no fear of dying long ago.  He indicated that you told him after an alias, "Boston John", died years ago.  Since he read the book, the guy I know is not afraid of dying either.

 

    ...... funny that you should say that .....  

[Alpo]

I know people hate to be corrected, but just in case someone decides they would like to read that book.

 

Deathworld was a series. Three novels (Deathworld, Deathworld 2 The Ethical Engineer, and Deathworld 3)

and a short story. The one about the Mongol-like nomads riding and fighting over the plains is Deathworld 3.

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

1 hour ago, Alpo said:

I know people hate to be corrected, but just in case someone decides they would like to read that book.

 

Deathworld was a series. Three novels (Deathworld, Deathworld 2 The Ethical Engineer, and Deathworld 3)

and a short story. The one about the Mongol-like nomads riding and fighting over the plains is Deathworld 3.

If I'm wrong about something, I WANT to be corrected. I've been corrected a number of times here, and thanked the responder every time. There's a saying, "It's not what you don't know that gets you in trouble, it's what you know that ain't so". Attributed to Mark Twain.