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Pat Riot, SASS #13748

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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" 
"Yes, Father, it is." 
"And who was the girl you were with?" 
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." 
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 
"I cannot say." 
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" 
"I'll never tell." 
"Was it Nina Capelli?" 
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." 
"Was it Cathy Piriano?" 
"My lips are sealed." 
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" 
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you." 
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." 
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" 
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

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An Army private was driving his Jeep along a muddy road just off base when he came across another Jeep being driven by a Major who was mired in the muck and spinning his wheels. Wanting to make a good impression on the officer, the Private pulled up and asked "is your Jeep stuck Sir?".

 

The Major replied "No Private, YOURS is."

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Jesus and St. Peter went golfing. St. Peter was all decked out in his golf outfit  , he hit a drive about 300 yards and it was on the green. He stood back and admired his shot. Jesus got up with a battered robe on, a wooden staff instead of a golf club. He hit the ball about 10 yards. A squirrel ran up and took the ball and just then an Eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel with ball in its mouth. He flew toward the hole and the ball dropped about an inch from the hole. Suddenly it got dark and the ground shook and the ball dropped in!
 

St.Peter said, “Are you going to play golf today or just mess around?”

Edited by Rye Miles #13621
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A priest, a minister, a rabbi and Joe Cool were playing golf. 
When Joe Cool cane up for his shot he swung and missed. 
Frustrated, he yells out “ Awe Damnit! I missed!”

This made his golf partners uneasy. 
He went on to hit the ball and then up at the green it was Joe Cool’s turn again and he swung and missed. 
Frustrated, he yells out “Awe Damnit I missed!”

The minister asked him not to talk this way and told him to calm down. 
At the next tee Joe Cool goes last again. He swings. He misses.

”Awe Damnit! I missed!”

The rabbi asks him to quit swearing, but Joe shrugs it off and hits his ball about halfway down the fairway closer than his partner’s balls. 
They get down to Joe’s ball. He gets ready, swings and misses again. 
He blurts out “Awe Damnit! I missed!”

This time the priest has to say something.

He says “Joe, you have been asked to quit swearing. It’s obvious our please do no good so I have said a little prayer that the next time you swear, the lord will hit you with a bolt of lightning.”

Joe gives the priest a sour look then hits his ball onto the green. 
Once the others hit their balls onto the green it’s Joe Cool’s turn again and he grabs his putter, addresses the ball “Hello Ball” then swings....and he misses!

”Awe Damnit! I missed.”

At that moment the winds pick up. The sky darkens with looming black clouds. A bolt of lightning and a crack of thunder emanate from the clouds striking the trio and burning the minister, priest and rabbi to a crisp. Their blackened bodies slumped over on the ground, Joe is stunned!

All of a sudden the clouds part and a booming voice pierces the sky...

”AWE DAMNIT! I MISSED!”:D
 
 

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Mule or Donkey

 

Two soldiers were detailed to bury a dead mule.  While the soldiers were digging the hole, they got into a loud argument as to whether the animal was a “mule” or “donkey”.  A chaplain was passing by and heard the soldiers arguing and went to see if he could solve their dispute.  After the soldiers explained what they were arguing over the chaplain said, “Fellas, in the Bible both the mule and the donkey are called an ‘ass.’  Why don’t you do the same?”  The chaplain departed, pleased that he had solved their argument.

 

Later, a lady saw the soldiers digging the hole and she comes over to them and asked, “Are you soldiers digging a fox-hole?” 

One soldier replied, “Well lady, that’s not what the chaplain would call it!”

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The Church and the Saloon.

In a small mid-western conservative town, a saloon owner started construction on a new building to open up his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the saloon from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before the opening when a lightning strike hit the saloon and it burned to the ground.


The church folks were rejoicing after that, till the saloon owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented,
“I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a saloon owner that completely believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.”

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Cajun 12 Days of Christmas


Day 1
Dear Boudreaux,
Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix him las'night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma wit old lady Romero.
Marie

 

Day 2
Dear Boudreaux,
You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made a little gumbo out of dem. I cooked a big pot o' rice, made potato salad and got plenty crackers, so it's going to be ok!
Marie

 

Day 3
Dear Boudreaux,
Why doan you sent some crawfish, you? I'm tired of eating dem damn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Bayou Pon Pon an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster. I'm gonna' bet on the rooster.
Marie

 

Day 4
Dear Boudreaux,
Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin' birds you! Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. Da be worst than any guinea hens! I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Marie

 

Day 5
Dear Boudreaux,
You finally sen' somethin useful you. I like dem golden rings, me! I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Marie

 

Day 6
Dear Boudreaux,
Couchon! Back to da birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout and his ears. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though I may stuff one of dem wit oyster dressing on Christmas day.
Marie

 

Day 7
Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you! Thibodeaux, da mailman, is ready to kill ya too. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good yeah! I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from New Iberia blasted dem out of de water. Da taut day wer geese. Talk to you tomorrow.
Marie

 

Day 8
Dear Boudreaux,
Poor ole Thibodeaux, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and got the scours. What a mess. See almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night.
Marie

 

Day 9
Dear Boudreaux,
What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens. But we got plenty milk!
Marie

 

Day 10
Dear Boudreaux,
You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from Bourbon Street Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin'.
Marie

 

Day 11
Dear Boudreaux,
Where y'at? Cheerio an pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he having a good time, yeah, dancing with de floozies. Thib he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it no.
Marie

 

Day 12
Dear Boudreaux,
I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. I found out he really knows how to blow his pipes, if you know what I mean. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, dancing ladies can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimps business. We will probably gross a million nex year.
A la prochaine, Boudreax and Au revoir.
Marie         

 

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I'm a truck driver. Several years ago, I had a delivery that could only be driven to from the access road behind a Rest Area off the Interstate. It just so happened that the DOT had a portable Truck Inspection Station set up in the Rest Area that day.

One of the Officers saw me driving behind the Rest Area and thought that I was trying to get around being inspected. He jumped into his car and proceeded to meet me at the next onramp. 

He pulled me over and gave me a ration for trying to bypass the inspection. I tried showing him my paperwork for the delivery, but he wasn't having it.

He performed a full DOT Inspection on me and my truck, but found nothing, (because I'm a professional, ya know).  

As he was finishing up his paperwork, a bunch of flies started buzzing him.   

He was waving his hands and clipboard at them, but they just wouldn't leave him alone. 

"What's up with all these flies?!" he hollered out of frustration.

"This is horse country" I told him. 

"What do you mean by that?"

"Those are Circle Flys", I told him. 

He started to hand me my paperwork, but stopped and asked, "What do you mean, 'Circle Flies'?"

"Circle Flies are called that because they fly circles around the back end of horses", I explained. 

He pulled the paperwork back and menacingly asked, "Are you calling me a..."

"No Sir", I interrupted, "I'd never say anything like that to a Law officer."

Finally handing my paperwork back, he said, "Good thing,"

"Of course it's hard to fool those flies though."

 

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This happened to me back in the 1990s:

 

I was vacationing up in northern Michigan at an area near where Lake Huron and Lake Michigan come together.  There were a lot of gulls flying overhead where I was.  A young boy was nearby with his mother, and all of a sudden the boy pointed up and said, "Look Mommy.  Dumpster chickens."

 

I laughed for 15 minutes.

 

Edited by punxsutawneypete
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A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

The cop says, “You are the lawyer.”

The lawyer says. “Exactly, so where’s my present?”

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Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store.  As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice, cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

 

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer, since I’m certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”

 

“I can handle that without a problem,” the first nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

 

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with their beer.  “We used beer for washing our hair!” the nun said.  "Back at our nunnery, we call it ‘Catholic Shampoo!’ ”

 

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed ‘em in the bag with the beer.

 

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house!”

 

                     Image may contain: 1 person, sitting

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From the  "Quickies" file:

 

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I thought getting old would take longer.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore.....I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

I was asked if I had plans for the fall, and it took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

How does a mermaid was her tail?
She uses Tide.

So, one of my employees comes up to me and tells me that the other employees find me intimidating.
I stared at him until he apologized....

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An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" Asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.

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4 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" Asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.

 

 

This got me curious. 

 

https://images.app.goo.gl/N51KsCDaDBvLPYcb7

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If you ignore the mean look on her face, she's cute.

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22 minutes ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

273573C2-E5F8-45DD-85A9-9DAF4D4A5A14.thumb.jpeg.5b44c63689096e83b7e0426c0eb156ae.jpeg

 

Yeah.   Like so many Slavic women,  quite good looking when young, then in middle age a switch gets thrown and they get kind of round and doughy looking. Lots of 'em do stay very good looking, even into their 90s.

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Too much typing.  Cut to the chase.

 

"I was talking to the duck!"

 

"Hey buddy, why the long face?"

 

Thanks, be sure to tip the waitress.

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5 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" Asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.

So is that why Trotsky ran to Mexico where he was murdered?

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1 hour ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

So is that why Trotsky ran to Mexico where he was murdered?

No, because he was a Commie Scumbag, I’m sure. 

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2 hours ago, Joke 'um said:

Too much typing.  Cut to the chase.

 

"I was talking to the duck!"

 

"Hey buddy, why the long face?"

 

Thanks, be sure to tip the waitress.

Yeah, and deep, too.

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Back during WWII, a lot of the civilian population traveled by bus, Geyhound or Trailways. These companies operated so that a brief stop was made for the passenger to make themselves comfortable in the restroom, catch a bit to eat, and back on the trail. 

Well seems this one bus was loaded to capacity, travelog down the pike, but a little behind schedule. Came time for a pit stop, and a bit of lunch. Drivered announced that they would be stopping, but because he was behind schedule, they would only have 20 minutes for the stop.  They all rushed in. Only one waitress was working and things went slowly. The last guy in line ordered a bowl of chili. It came loaded with beans. He gulped it down and headed for the bus. 

 

Fast forward a short time later the beans began to expand. He fought against it, but to no avail. He let loose with a silent but deadly fart. He noticed that people were starting to look around to see who had done this terrible deed. In order to distract his seat-mate he said. " May I see part of your newspaper?" The seat-mate replied, "No, but when we pass a tree, I will grab you a handfull of leaves". 

Edited by Badger Mountain Charlie SASS #43172
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8 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" Asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.

Lenin should have sent Trotsky a thank you note and a bottle of vodka.

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An old Arizona cowboy, a man so rough he wore his clothes out from the inside, went to the dentist.  The dentist walked over by the chair to see what he was going to have to do.

 

Cowboy reached out and grabbed the dentist by the crotch and calmly said, "Now, Doc, we ain't gonna hurt one another, are we?" 

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Three cowboys are out on the range

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour's ride yonder."

"You're pulling my leg."

"God's truth. C'mon, I'll show you."

The other cowboys are skeptical, but boot their horses after his.

It's tough going. Steep, loose slopes and narrow ridges, with not a scrap of shade. Eventually they reach a deep canyon, and pick their way down to the bottom.

"There," says the first cowboy. "See? Like ah told ya."

Sure enough, right in front of them amongst all the dry earth and stones is a rich green shrub, covered in dangling strips of meat.

"Well I'll be," says the third cowboy. He slides off his horse and makes his way to the shrub, but just as he's reaching out, a gunshot echoes down the canyon. The third cowboy cries out, staggers, turns, and stumbles back toward the other two clutching his belly.

"Run!" he yells, waving his other arm madly. "Get outta here! It's not a bacon tree! *It's a ham-bush!"*

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An admiral and a chief are seated next to each other getting a haircut in the barbershop.

 

When the admiral's barber finished, he asked if he wanted some hair tonic. The admiral replied, "No. My wife will think I smell like a bordello."

 

The chief said to his barber, "I'll have some. My wife doesn't know what a bordello smells like."

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Back in 1995, the Cleveland Indians won the Central Division title in the American League, and it was their first appearance in post season play since 1954.  The fans were going crazy at the prospect of the Indians being in the World Series.  So during the playoffs, during one of the games at the Indians' stadium, one of the radio announcers noticed that although the game was supposed to be a sellout, he saw an empty seat in the stands.  Figuring that there was a story there, the announcer made his way down to the empty seat and noticed a lady sitting in the next seat. 

 

The announcer asked, "Excuse me, ma'am.  Do you know who bought the ticket for that empty seat next to you?"

 

The lady replied, "Oh, yes.  That seat belongs to my late husband, Frank.  He was an Indians fan ever since he was a little boy.  He had season tickets going back to 1960."

 

The announcer was truly impressed to hear about such a devoted Cleveland Indians fan.  He said to the lady, "I'm truly sorry to hear about your husband's passing.  But it seems such a shame that nobody is using the ticket now that the Indians are in the playoffs.  Couldn't someone else in your husband's family use the ticket?"

 

The lady replied, "They couldn't make it.  They're at the funeral."

 

 

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My good friend and woodworking mentor made and taught Windsor chairs.  He always poked fun at Shaker chairs. This was his favorite joke, told in every beginner’s class.  I am sure it has some other origin.

 

Duck walks into a chair shop “Do you have any Shaker chairs?”

 

Chairmaker, “No, this is a Windsor chair shop, go away.”

 

Next day, Duck walks into a chair shop “Do you have any Shaker chairs?”

 

Chairmaker, “No, this is a Windsor chair shop, go away.”

 

Next day, Duck walks into a chair shop “Do you have any Shaker chairs?”

 

Chairmaker, “No, this is a Windsor chair shop, I told you yesterday. If you ask again, I will nail your feet to the floor.”

 

Next day, Duck walks into the fair shop,”Do you have any nails.”

 Chairmaker, “No, this is a Windsor chair shop.”

Duck, “Do you have any Shaker chairs?”

 

 

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