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Pat Riot

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Priest buys a talking parrot. He puts him on the altar with him and during the very quiet part of mass the parrot shouts out, "%^$#@#@ It's hot in here!"

The priest takes the parrot back to the store and demands his money back, "This parrot swears like a drunken sailor". The pet shop owner promises to re-train the parrot and to come back in two weeks. The priest agrees.


He comes back in two weeks and the pet shop owner says, " All you do is pull his right leg and he'll say the Hail Mary, pull his left leg and he'll say the Our Father" The priest then asks what if I pull BOTH legs?"


The parrot answers, "I'll fall on my ass you %^&$#@(* fool!!!"

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There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:




The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eyes.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

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A blind cowboy went into a bar, and ordered a drink.

He asked the lady bartender if she wanted to hear a blonde joke.

Well, mister, the bartender said...I'm blonde, and have black belt in karate.

The lady next to him, at the bar said, I'm blonde, and I am a professional wrestler.

The waitress, passing by, said, I am a blonde, and I am a weight lifter, and bouncer here.

The lady, sitting on the other side of him said, I am a blonde, and I am a professional boxer.

The bartender said, now, cowboy, do you really want to tell that blonde joke?

The cowboy thought for a minute and said: why hail no....I don't want to have to explain it four times!


There are a lot of Aggie jokes, around here.

Why don't they have ice at A&M? - They lost the formula.

I caught an Aggie wolf in a trap. How to you know it was an Aggie wolf? It chewed three of it's feet off, and it's still caught in the trap.


A catholic friend of mine was asked what is the difference between a Nun teacher, at a Catholic school, and an Islamic terrorist?

Answer: You can reason with a terrorist.


A student priest arrived at the church very early, to prepare and go over his sermon, so the elder priest could critique his sermon. The water fountain was not working, and he was thirsty, and all he had to drink was some wine he found. Later, he said mass, and presented his sermon. He met with the older priest, after the service, and admitted he had had a little wine, before mass, and wondered if anyone had noticed, The older priest said: well, you did really great, and no one noticed a thing, except at the very end...when you told the congregation that, later that afternoon, there would be a peter pull at Saint Taffy's.   





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A man went into a bar. He opened a suitcase and took out a foot high piano, and then a foot high piano player. The little piano player sat down at the little piano, and started playing really great tunes! The bartender, and all the customer's were amazed! The bartender said, how did you happen to find him?

The guy reached back into the suitcase and pulled out a lamp, and said, I rubbed this lamp, and made a wish. The bartender said, can I try that? The man said yes, but he said, now listen, the genie, is really hard of hearing, and you have to be plain and speak up. The bartender said never mind that, give me the lamp.

So he made his wish. A second later the bar was filled with over a million ducks. The bartender was boiling mad. I did not wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks! He kept ranting, and raving, and griping at the man and would not shut up. Finally the man said: look, dang it, I told you the genie was hard of hearing! Heck man, do you think I wished for a 12 inch....pianist?????


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Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude, and Tillie, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. 
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. 
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. 
Then Maude had a stroke. 
But Tillie, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the Bush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes," nodded the monkey.

"What else?" asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.

"Yes," nodded the monkey.

"What else?" queried the officer.

The monkey motioned with his fingers...

"Having sex! They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes," nodded the monkey.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"

"Yes," the monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.

"Driving," motioned the monkey.

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I think I've seen that monkey up here on our Queensway!

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One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.

Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

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With the holidays fast approaching, I want to take this opportunity to share with you my mother's famous fruitcake recipe. I certain hope you enjoy it. 
Fruitcake Recipe

  • 1 cup water
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 cups dried fruit
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • nuts
  • 1 gallon whiskey 

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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Subject: International Capitalism

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and  produce 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

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Oly and Sven were sitting in the boat fishing. It had been a slow day in the catching department, and neither one had much to say. Finally Sven speaks up and said, " Oly, I tink I am going to divorce my wife". 


Oly was quiet for a few minutes, then he speaks " Why are you going to divorce your wife?" "She is a nice Lady".


Sven said, " She don 't talk to me".


Oly puts his fishing rod down, gets out his pipe and stokes up. He gets the pipe going and he is making smoke signal size clouds of smoke. He then speaks up and says, " I would tink hard, Sven". "Wemen like dat are hard to find".



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Engineers are Different

  • To the optimist, the glass is half full.
  • To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
  • To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


There is a subtle difference between engineers and so called "normal" people, as this page will prove.

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.

This page will enable you to start to teach yourself about engineers. Its author learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.


Engineers Explained

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.


You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

  • Straighten it.
  • Ignore it.
  • Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."


Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

  • Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation 
  • Important social contacts
  • A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

  • Get it over with as soon as possible.
  • Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  • Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

  • things that need to be fixed, and
  • things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.


Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.


Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.


Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.


Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.


Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.


Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

  • Bill Gates.
  • MacGyver.
  • Larry Fink,
  • Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.


Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.


Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them.


The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

  • "I won't change anything without asking you first."
  • "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
  • "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
  • "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"


If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.


Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.



  • Hindenberg;
  • Space Shuttle Challenger;
  • SPANet(tm);
  • Hubble space telescope;
  • Apollo 13;
  • Titanic;
  • Ford Pinto;
  • Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.


If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."


Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

  • How smart they are.
  • How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.


Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex—and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.


Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."


At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.


Engineers and Mistresses
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."


Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Engineering Students
Becoming an engineer is more than training, and yet not quite something that is genetically passed on. Being an engineer, with an engineer's attitudes is already built in by the time the prospective engineer becomes a student.


Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."

Engineers in Fairy Stories
There have been almost no fairy stories starring engineers. Here is why.

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


(I was an engineer in the recent past!):rolleyes:


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I went to the doctor to complain about my hearing loss.  He asked me if I could describe the symptoms.  


I said "sure, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair".  

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