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To the tune of MCDONALD'S IS YOUR KIND OF PLACE

 

 

We had McDonald's in our town

Until we burned it down

We burned it to the ground

We even got the clown

McDonald's was our kind of place

Now it's just parking space

 

Have it your way at Burger King. :D

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Dear Family,

 

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what's left over.

 

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

 

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

 

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

 

House Rules:

 

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

 

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

 

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

 

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

 

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

 

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

 

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

 

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

 

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

 

10. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

 

11. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

 

12. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

 

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

 

I really mean all of the above.

 

Love You, Grandma

 

 

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We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.

 

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

 

We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." 

 

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

 

We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

 

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"

 

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

 

 

With age comes wisdom.

 

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some light humor...
 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
 

How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One one, but it takes six visits.

 

How many editors of Poor Richard’s Almanac does it take to change the light bulb?
“Many hands make light work.”
 

How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What does it matter? We’re all gonna die anyway.
 

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward the maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

 

How many Redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to do it, post it, and not get credit for it; one to repost it as they did it; and one to state that the video is actually fake and it never happened.

 

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two… but they have to be reeeeaaally tiny. :D

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The way they posed that picture.

 

First they super glued the cats front paws to the light fixture. Then they had the guy with the glasses come and stand underneath the cat, and straighten up until his back and the cats hind legs touched. Then he yelled, "Quick! Take the damn picture before he claws my back to pieces!!!"

:P

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TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 2020

 

Twas the year 2020, and all through the house every creature was stirring, from human to mouse. The stockings were tossed on the chimney, who cares, It’s been months since we entertained, would Saint Nick even dare? The children were nestled all snug in their beds, with visions of rubber gloves danced in their heads, and Mama in her gaiter and me and my mask, had just settled our brains for a long cleaning task.

 

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my mop to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash. I peeked through the shutter, barely touching the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave me faith that someday we’d have somewhere to go.

 

When what do my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and either spotless reindeer. With a little old driver decked out in full gear, I knew in a moment we’d have Christmas this year! More safely than Hazmat the reindeer they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now Clorox! Now Pine-Sol! Now Lysol and Purex! On Comet! On Purell! On Top Job and Germ-X! Wipe the top of the porch! Then the top of the wall! Now wipe away! Wipe away! Wipe away all! As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they finished, they quickly took a jump to the sky.

 

So up to the housetop the reindeer they flew, with a sleigh full of masks and Saint Nicholas too. And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof the pawing of each little rubber gloved hoof. As I pulled up my mask and was turning around, down the chimney a big bucket came with a bound.

 

It was covered in plastic from bottom to top, and the contents were sterile, despite the long drop. I miss seeing his eyes and his dimples so merry. But this virus prevents that, these times are so scary. I imagined his face and his little round belly, that shook when he laughed like hand sanitizer jelly, but I saw him outside though as he stood near his sleigh and I laughed when I saw him from six feet away.

 

With a wink of his eye and a wave of his hand, I felt warm inside, Santa too understands. And without a word He went right to his work. He filled all of our stockings then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger aside of his mask, the reindeer rose up, they had finished their task.

 

He waved to me then to his team gave a shout and socially distancing quickly flew out.

But I heard him proclaim as he drove out of sight,

 

Merry Christmas to all, we will all be all right!!!

 

 

Edited by Sedalia Dave
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When I was a young Marine, we were on Deployment here in The States, but on Liberty. We were headed back to the Base late at night, and yes, we HAD been drinking.

We were taking a short cut through a field when we spotted this horse. Immediately we all started trying to decide who should try to ride the horse. Since I was the only one wearing a Cowboy hat, I was nominated. 

I sneaked up to the horse as best I could, and jumped on his back. Well he started bucking and spinning, doing everything he could to throw me. The other guys were hollering and yelling, both encouragement and insults. 

Finally, just when I was about to fall off, or go flying off of the horse, the Manager came out of the Walmart and unplugged it. Saved my life for sure.

Edited by Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770
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World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and
scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted. The end

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This is a joke. I do not go to McDonald’s and I am not “old”. ;)

 Found in the internet. 
 

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. 

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

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