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Pat Riot, SASS #13748

Joke Time! It's gettin' too serious in here...I'll start

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How to trap a polar bear

You will need a saw and a can of peas...and a plane ticket north.

When you get "up north" you cut a large hole in the ice.

You then open the can of peas and place the peas evenly in single file around the hole.

Once this is done you wait.

 

When a bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole. :rolleyes:

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18 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Whoa! Headed the wrong way there, big fella.

 

OK.

 

ts

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My son tells the wife, "Mom!  Give me $5 and I'll be good!

 

Wife answers, "Why don't you be good for nothing like your father?"

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Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? 

 

Yeah, it runs in yore jeans!

 

 

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A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day.

The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.

The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, “Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n you'd play Achy Breaky Heart fur me bahfore ah hafta go.”

“Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that,” says the warden.

The warden then turns to the biker, “And you, biker, What’s your last request?”

The biker replies:

 

“That you kill me first.”

 

LL

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What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo?

 

One is pretty heavy while the other is a little lighter.

 

 

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A jet was flying over the ocean carrying diplomats. One from England, one from France, one from Mexico and one from the US. The engines lose power and the captain tells them to throw out anything not nailed down. After totally gutting the inside of the plane they are still loosing altitude. The captain told them that someone needs to jump out to save the rest. The English diplomat steps to the door. He yells "God save the Queen" then jumps out. Still going down they are told someone else needs to jump. The Frenchman steps to the door. He yells "Viva La France" then jumps out. Yet still loosing altitude the captain says if one more person would jump they would be safe. The US diplomat goes to the door. He yells "Remember the Alamo" and throws the Mexican out.

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I know everybody wants more so here it goes...

 

What is brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

 

 

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Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.

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21 minutes ago, Lost Trail said:

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.

Best one yet!

      :lol::lol::lol::lol:

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1 minute ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Best one yet!

      :lol::lol::lol::lol:

Since I'm mostly Scots-Irish, I can say this with certainty.

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I will bet if you spoke to someone that witnessed this rare event they would say that they heard one of 'em exclaim:

"They're always after me Lucky Charms"...

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 A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.

"It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.

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Duck walks into a bar. Says to the bar tender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.

Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bar tender replies, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bar tender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't have nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"

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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything!"

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Dantankerous said:

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything!"

 

 

 

gettin a little better!

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What do you have when a psychic midget escapes from prison?

 

A small medium at large...

 

:D

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On 4/12/2017 at 8:23 AM, Forty Rod SASS 3935 said:

What part of a cat is like Napoleon?

 

The boney part!

 

(As told to me by my niece when she was six years old.)

Did you know that Napoleon's middle name was Bluis?

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What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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Why did the armadillo cross the road?

So he could get a Lone Star. Why else???

c22be442fe4b826ba337688895aef548.jpg

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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

 

He was dead.

 

 

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I though I was about to witness a murder this morning but no other crows showed up.

 

<_<

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23 minutes ago, Dantankerous said:

I though I was about to witness a murder this morning but no other crows showed up.

 

<_<

 

I saw two crows in a tree across the road yesterday.  Was that an attempted murder?

 

Angus

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WARNING!  WARNING!!  This is a double groaner joke!!

 

Groaner #1

Quasimodo, the bell ringer Hunchback of Notre Dame asked the Bishop if he could take a vacation.

The Bishop said he would allow it if Quasimodo could find a stand-in bell ringer while he was gone.

Quasimodo put an ad in the Paris newspaper and the next day a midget without any arms shows up for the job.

Quasimodo asked the midget how he can ring the bell without any arms. 

The midget said he uses his face.

Quasimodo was puzzled but was willing to give the midget a try.  Quasimodo said, "It's almost 11 o'clock.  I'll let you ring the bell."

Quasimodo and the midget go up the bell tower and at the hour the midget starts running into the bell, face first.  After the 4th strike, the midget misses the bell, goes hurtling out the tower and is killed when he hits the pavement.

A crowd gathers around the dead midget, the police arrive, and Quasimodo goes down the tower to the pavement.

The policeman asked Quasimodo if he knows the dead midget.

Quasimodo replies, "No.  But his face rings a bell."

 

Groaner #2

Quasimodo still needs a replacement to stand in for him and the next day another midget without any arms shows up for the job.

Quasimodo looks at the midget and comments that he looks just like the midget that showed up the day before and was killed.

The second midget tells Quasimodo that he is the twin brother of the midget that was killed, but he is sure he can do the job and that he is a better bell ringer than his dead brother.

It was almost 11 o'clock, so up the bell tower they go and at the hour the second midget start running head first into the bell.  This time, after the 7th strike, the second midget misses the bell, goes hurtling out the tower and is also killed when he hits the pavement.

A crowd gathers around the second dead midget, the police arrive, and Quasimodo goes down the tower to the pavement.

The policeman asked Quasimodo if he knows this dead midget.

Quasimodo replies, "No.  But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 

Now aren't you sorry you read all of this?

quasimodo.jpg

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Quasimodo comes home to find Esmeralda holding a wok and a laundry basket...
He asks her "Are you cooking Chinese tonight?"
Esmeralda replies "No, I'm ironing your shirt."...bah-dump-bump-tishhh...:P
 

Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre dame, is on his way to the pub and he decides to take a short cut through the cemetery. He walks past an old, gnarled tree and to his surprise the Devil jumps out from behind of it.
"I am the devil!" says the Devil, "Give me everything that you own!"
Quasimodo certainly isn't going to argue with the devil, but unfortunately he isn't the wealthiest of freaks.
"I'm sorry." he says, "I really don't own anything, all I have is this grotesque hump."
"Well I'll have that then." says the Devil, clapping his hands together... There is a clap of thunder and a flash of lightening...

KABOOM! CRACK!

Then suddenly the hump is gone from Quasimodo and has materialized on the Devil.
"Blimey!" says Quasimodo, now standing there for the first time as a perfectly normal looking human being.
The devil, somewhat perturbed, examines his new hump and disappears back behind the tree and Quasimodo makes his way on to the pub, whistling happily to himself.
When he gets there who should he meet at the bar but Long John Silver.
"By golly Quasi!" says Long John, "What happened to you? You look like a regular Joe."
"Well," says Quasimodo, "I decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery, I walked past an old gnarled tree and the devil jumped out and demanded I give everything I own, when I told him all I had was a hump he told me he'd have that, he clapped his hands together and there was a roar of thunder and flash of lightening and all of a sudden the hump was gone from me and on the devil."
"Really?" says Long John, looking down at his wooden leg, "Perhaps I should try that and get rid of this bloody wooden leg of mine."
So the following night it is Long John Silver who makes his way through the cemetery and lo and behold as he passes the old gnarled tree out jumps the now hunchbacked devil.
"I am the devil," says the devil, "Give me everything you own."
"I'm afraid I don't own anything." Long John tells him, "Nothing but this wooden leg."

"Oh." says the devil, clapping his hands together, "Well you can have this hump then."

KABOOM! CRACK!

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A Priest had two parrots that sat on their perches, all day praying and saying their beads.

A parishioner approached the Priest one day and told him;

"I have a parrot as well Father. It was taken from a bordello when the place was raided and closed.

The problem is all it keeps saying is " I'm a Prossie!, I'm a Prossie!"

The Priest tells the man: "Leave the bird with me. I'll put it in with my two and we'll have it praying in no time."

So the Priest takes the bird to his home and all the time the bird is screaming; I'm a prossie!, I'm a prossie!"

The Priest puts the bird into the cage with the two praying birds, as it's screaming; I'm a prossie!, I'm a prossie!"

The first praying parrot looks at the other and says; "Quick Charlie, Drop your beads! Our prays have been answered!"

Thank-you very much. I'm here all week

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Two canibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "does something taste funny to you?"

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Ah, Prossie...I get it...

 

Pat (what's a bit slow sometimes) Riot :D

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Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

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Didya hear the one about the deaf cowboy?

 

Neither did he.

 

 

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One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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