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Pat Riot, SASS #13748

Joke Time! It's gettin' too serious in here...I'll start

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Returning to the ranch after being away for a week at round-up the Cold Lake Kid asked : "What happened to that tenderfoot who was out here last week?"

Jabez answered: " Oh, he was brushing his teeth with some of that there new fangled toothpaste and Maddog thought he had the hydrophoby and shot him."

 

 

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9 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

losing.jpg.5ab74a4348f714ef795af8b0965e7c49.jpg

My dad used to say "if at first you don't succeed, chuck it and go fishing."

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A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

 

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.

 

 

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

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Easterner arrived at a small, one street old western town and entered it's only hotel.

After ushering him to a table and giving him a glass of water, the waiter asked him;

"Will you have sausages on toast?"

"NO! I never eat them!" the easterner replied.

"In that case, " said the waiter, "Dinner is over"

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4 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Uhhhhhh...Okay....:rolleyes:

Sausages on toast? "Never!"?

 

Western town, Eastener? If I was writing it, I'd have offered "fried bull testicles", and have the tourist say, "God no. That sounds disgusting".

 

Then the punchline.

 

I think it would work better.

 

Sausages on toast sounds more British.

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1 hour ago, Alpo said:

Sausages on toast? "Never!"?

 

Western town, Eastener? If I was writing it, I'd have offered "fried bull testicles", and have the tourist say, "God no. That sounds disgusting".

 

Then the punchline.

 

I think it would work better.

 

Sausages on toast sounds more British.

Yet again...Okay. I don't get it...moving on. ;):D

Image result for jokes about sausage

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The only food they have is "sausage on toast". If he doesn't want that, then dinner's over.

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I love one-liners...and no, I didn't come up with these I stole 'em. :lol:

 

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

 

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

 

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

 

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

 

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

 

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

 

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

I love one-liners...and no, I didn't come up with these I stole 'em. :lol:

 

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

 

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

 

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

 

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

 

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

 

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

 

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

 

All our visitors bring happiness. Some by coming. Others by going.

 

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Local rancher won $188,000,000,000.00 in the lottery.  Fella from the TV station asked him if was going to retire.

"No" the rancher said.  "We'll just keep on ranching until it's all gone."

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20 minutes long, but worth it

 

 

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How come Dalmatians cannot hide?

 

There are always spotted.

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The Energizer bunny was arrested and charged with battery.

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Q: Why did the dog cross the road?

A: To get to the "barking" lot!

 

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

 

Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have? A: A bloodhound!

 

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

A: He stole the show!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?

A: A golden receiver!

 

Q: What does my dog and my phone have in common?

A: They both have collar I.D. 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/dogjokes.html

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A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

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That one's been cut.

 

Bartender serves him, and figgering dogs was too stupid to know actual cost of things, charges him ten dollars for the drink.

 

THEN he makes his, "Don't get many dogs in here" comment.

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Cat+ass+trophy_df7feb_4738948.jpg

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Not a joke but very humorous.

 

"Two people in the act, and I get third billing!"

 

 

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I think the best line (and that's FULL of good lines) was after establishing why he was Ramon Gonzalez Gonzalez, Groucho asks, "What does your wife call you - Ramon or Gonzalez?"

 

"She calls me Pedro." :lol:

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Sodom and...Babel? Ugh.

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Yrah, these two are sisters.

Carry On, Sisters.jpg

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animals-t_rex-tyrannosaur-tyrannosaurus_

 

Maybe they wouldn't have died out. :o:P

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images (16).jpg

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POLITICAL HUMOR:

 

  • A Norwegian politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon.

 

  • A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!"

 

I like this one:

 

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks.

"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"

"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.

Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.

So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.

"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."

"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."


 

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Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

 

This thread again!

 

 

 

 

fa70f97576c88d998ce6ca543e5743f6--weenie-dogs-doggies.jpg

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