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Pat Riot, SASS #13748

Joke Time! It's gettin' too serious in here...I'll start

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Little Johnny,

One day the teacher asks her class to give her a sentence using the word "definitely" and it must be correct.

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "The grass is definitely green."

Teacher replies, "I'm sorry that's not always true. What if the grass is dead?"

A bit later Little Bobby raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

Again the teacher replies, "Well what about at night or on a rainy day? I'm sorry that won't work."

A little while later Little Johnny raises his hand. Now the teacher is hesitant to call on him as he can be a bit crude but as no one else is trying she does.

Little Johnny says, "First let me ask you a question. Are farts lumpy?"

Teacher, "....no....?"

Little Johnny then adds, "Then I definitely crapped my pants!"

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I had a girlfriend who was a perfect 38" x 24" x 36".

 

And her other leg was exactly the same!!:o

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Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real witch this time."

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if you ever get cold, just stand in the corner for a while.

 

They are usually 90 degrees.

 

 

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How many Cowboys does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 
 

  One !

 

And you know why ? 

 

Because no one else in this house knows how to change a light bulb.

They’d sit in the dark for weeks before figuring it out,

And then they wouldn’t even be able to find the damn light bulbs despite the fact,

That they’ve been kept in the same dang  cupboard for the past 17 years! 

Rooster .

Just Saying .

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Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find your x.

She is never coming back and don't ask y.

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There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

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One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.

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Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk. So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Ruth.”

With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?”

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An older woman goes to see a Psychiatrist and tells him that her love life is non-existent and that she's thinking of taking a lover.  The doctor advises her to not be so hasty and writes her husband an Rx for Viagra.  He tells her to put one tablet in his drink, let nature take its course and return to see him in one week.

 
A week later, the woman goes back to see her doctor.  She is all smiles now and the doctor asks her to tell him how her week went.  The woman replies that three days after her last appointment she dropped a Viagra in her husband's coffee.  After about 15 minutes her husband jumped up, cleared the table with a sweep of his arm, grabbed her and ravished her right on the table.  
 
She said it was just wonderful and that she hadn't made love like that in thirty years!  The only downside is that she could never go back to Starbucks.......

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Down is SE OK there are two little towns up in the hills.  One is Bethel, the other is Battiest (ba teest, not bat ee est).  One day at the Battiest Beer Bar, the bartender was having a slow day, when a bear walks in.  The bear walks to the bar and says, "Bartender, I'm a big black bear from Bethel and I want a beer."

Bartender opens the Battiest City Code Book and reads, "Bartenders in Battiest are barred from selling beer to big black bears from Bethel."  The bear slams his paw on the table and roars, "I said I'm a big black bear from Bethel and I want a beer!"  Bartender points to the Battiest City Code Book and reads, "Bartenders in Battiest are barred from selling beer to big black belligerent bears from Bethel."  Bear thinks about that a minute and says, "If you don't sell me a beer right now, I'm gonna go down to the end of the bar and eat the woman sitting there."  Bartender points to the Battiest City Code Book and reads, "Bartenders in Battiest are barred from selling beer to big black belligerent bully bears from Bethel."  True to his word, the bears walks down to the end of the bar, grabs the woman and swallows her whole.  He walks back to the bartender and say, "Now, give me a beer."  Bartender points to the Battiest City Code Book and reads, "Bartenders in Battiest are barred from selling beer to big black belligerent bully bears from Bethel that are on drugs."  "I'm not on drugs," replies the bear.  "You are now" replies the bartender, "that was a............................................................................................................................................................................barbiturate."

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Here's a couple cowboy jokes.

Ol Zeke and Zeb had been pards for a number of years. They were on a long ride together and started to run out of things to talk about.
So Zeke says to Zeb, As long as I have known you have always carried a bottle of whiskey in yer pocket, What fer? 
Zeb says, Its fer snakebite.
So then Zeke asks. So whatcha got there in yer other pocket?
Zeb says, A snake.

Ol Bill was walking across town and decided to take a short cut through the ally. When from out of nowhere jumps Bad Bob holding a gun and a bottle of whiskey. He pointed the gun at Bill, And handed him the the whiskey and says, Here drink this.
Bill takes a swig and says, AWWWWK that is the worst whiskey I have ever drank.
Bob waved the gun at him again and said, Drink some more. Which Bill reluctantly did.
Then Bob says, hand that bottle back over here. Which Bill gladly did.
Then Bob handed the gun to Bill and says, Now point that gun at me while I drink some.

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16 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

Oh, that is Gooooood! :lol::lol::lol:

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What do you get from a pampered cow?

 

Spoiled milk.

 

 

 

 

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A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?" The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

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Two guys were walking their dogs — one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry — we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay — it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Blind man walks into a store. He then proceeds to take his dog by the back legs and starts swinging him around. The shopkeep stopped him and asked what he was doing. Blind man replies, "Oh, I was just looking around!"

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A lawn chair, a hedge trimmer and a toaster walk into the SASS Saloon....................

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Q: If your father was a lawn mower, and your mother was a sewing machine, how many pancakes would it take to cover a dog house?

 

A:  13.

 

 

 

Reason: Because baseballs don't have feathers!

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1 hour ago, Tennessee Trapper Tom said:

A lawn chair, a hedge trimmer and a toaster walk into the SASS Saloon....................

....and the bartender tells the hedge trimmer and the toaster that they cannot sit at the bar to close to the liquid refreshments and that they must take a table near the wall as electricity and liquids don't mix. The 2 go over and sheepishly take their table.

The lawn chair on the other hand is invited to take a place right up next to the bar and right away a gorgeous blond walks over and sits in his lap......

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6 hours ago, Dantankerous said:

What do you get from a pampered cow?

 

Spoiled milk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So..

From a pampered chicken you get coddled eggs?

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54 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

 

So..

From a pampered chicken you get coddled eggs?

Does that mean you get poached eggs from stolen chickens?

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Ethel, Mabel and Ruth were sitting on a park bench when a flasher ran up and opened his overcoat.

 

Ethel had a stroke!

 

Mabel also had a stroke.

 

Sadly, Ruth could not reach that far.

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The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment.  She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind.  So, wh
en she told the little girl she could go to the picnic after all, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" whined the little brat....
"I've already prayed for rain."

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joke-horse.jpg

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7491670_f520.jpg

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Three race horses are in their stalls and one says "I've won close to 100 races, and I heard my owner is planning on retiring me and putting me out to stud. I can't wait." The next horse says "That sounds great. I've only won 50 races, but I hear if I keep it up, I'll be put out to stud in a couple of more years." The third horse looks down at them and says "I'm brand new, I've only won 10 races, but I hope I'm as lucky as you two!" About this time, a greyhound looks in and says "I've won 300 races, and when I'm not racing, I'm with the ladies all the time!" The first horse looks at the other two and says "Huh, what do you know about that? A talking dog!"

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1 minute ago, Birdgun Quail, SASS #63663 said:

Here's a picture of my Pride & Joy.  :wub:

 

http://byebyepie.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54f9367fb883401bb0840335e970d-pi

 

I know you all wanted to see it.  :P

Hey, how did you get My Pride and Joy?

I have that photo proudly displayed on my bookshelf at work! It always amazing me that people will ask me about it and I say, "Isn't it obvious? It's a picture of my Pride and Joy".

They usually just walk away...unless they're a sales rep...and then they laugh...disingenuous bastages...

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, " How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" 
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." 
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" 

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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will vanish on the count of three. Uno, dos and POOF! He is gone.... without a tres.

 

What do you cal 4 Mexicans stuck in quicksand?

Cuatro cinco.

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