Jump to content
SASS Wire Forum

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Pat Riot, SASS #13748

Joke Time! It's gettin' too serious in here...I'll start

Recommended Posts

11 minutes ago, Doc Nelson #19958 said:

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will vanish on the count of three. Uno, dos and POOF! He is gone.... without a tres.

 

What do you call 4 Mexicans stuck in quicksand?

Quatro cinco.

For that double groaner, all I can seis is, "OCHO!!" 

 

Now I need to go over to my recliner and siete.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Screen Shot 2016-04-27 at 10.11.50.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two soldiers were detailed to bury a dead donkey.   As the soldiers were digging the hole, they got to arguing quite loudly over whether the dead animal should be called a 'burro' or a 'donkey.'

An Army chaplain heard the soldiers arguing and went over to them to see if he could bring some peace between the two obviously upset soldiers.  After the soldiers told the chaplain what they were debating, the chaplain recommended that they call the dead animal what it is called in the Bible, an "A$$."

The two soldiers agreed and went back to digging the hole.  The chaplain left feeling very happy that he had resolved the soldiers argument.

A lady was passing by, saw the soldiers digging the hole, went over to them and asked, "Are you soldiers digging a foxhole?"

One soldier looked up at the lady and replied, "Well ma'am, that's not what the chaplain would call it."

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A GREAT movie!

 

Real and reel entertainment. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SASS Cowgirl Husband Mart

A SASS store that sells cowboy husbands has just opened in Deadwood where a cowgirl may go choose a cowboy husband from among many cowboys. The store is comprised of six floors, and the cowboys increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends flights.               There is however a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a cowboy from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a Cowgirl goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

       On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These cowboys have jobs. The Cowgirl reads the sign and says to herself. " Wellthats better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what further up?" So she goes up

       The second floor the sign reads: Floor 2 - These cowboys have jobs and love kids. The Cowgirl remarks to herself. " That's great! But I wonder what's further up? So she goes up again.

 

       The third floor the sign reads: Floor 3 - These cowboys have jobs and love kids and are extremely good looking. " Hmm, better", but I wonder what's further up!? And up she goes again.

     

       The fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4 - These cowboys have jobs and love kids and are extremely good looking and help with housework. "Wow!" Exclaims the woman. "Very Tempting, but there must be more further up!" And again she goes up another floor.

 

       The fifth floor the sign reads: Floor 5 - These cowboys have jobs and love kids and are extremely good looking and help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me!" But just think.........What must be further on! So up to the sixth floor she goes.

 

       The sixth floor the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no cowboys on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that cowgirls are impossible to please.

 

Thank you for shopping at the SASS Cowgirl Husband Mart

 

Have a nice day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/27/2017 at 11:59 AM, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Two guys were walking their dogs — one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry — we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay — it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

I heard it was a blond... but then again, I've met some blond guys, too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Screen Shot 2016-04-24 at 16.15.30.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My dog is the dumbest dog gone dog in the world.............
When we play cards, he always wags his tail whenever he gets a good hand.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Riddler: A man leaves home, makes a left turn, makes another left, then another left turn and goes home again. When he gets home there are two men wearing masks waiting for him. Who are they?
Batman: I haven’t a clue.
Riddler: The catcher and the umpire.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

joke-pee.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

TeaRex.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked,

"Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you hear about the Aggie that transfered to OU? It raised the IQ of both schools.

 

The toothbrush was invented by an Oklahoma Sooner... It's true! Anyone else would have called it a teethbrush.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Q: How many University of Texas freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

 

Q: How many members of the OU foot ball team does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.

"Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Theirs were still sticking out of the ground."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course, you are talking about women.

 

Incoming.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What does an evil chicken lay?

 

Deviled eggs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1agpwo.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ella%20vader.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Delivery Room.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

 

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could, and did everything he could to give the lad a good growing up - even sports!  In baseball, the kid played first base... soccer was kinda rough... and then there was football...  But at any rate, the lad grew up and finally reached the age of 21. As he was now old enough for a drink,  Dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

 

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

 

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head sadly.

 

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

 

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

 

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

 

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

 

The bar fell silent.

 

The father moaned with grief.

 

The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

 

:rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Paul the Apostle is having an especially hard time. Paul loves Jesus more than anything, and he can't bear the thought of him dying. Unfortunately, Paul's house directly overlooks the hill on which Jesus is being crucified. So Paul is pacing around his house, trying to distract himself, when he hears a faint "Paaaauuul, Paaaaaaaauuul" from the hill- it's Jesus. So Paul runs out of his house to the hill, where several Roman centurions are keeping guard. When the guards stop him, Paul explains, "Jesus has a message for me, I need to go up there." The centurions deny him, and one of them whacks him with the hilt of his sword. Defeated, Paul returns to his house and resumes his activities, trying to forget what has happened. About an hour later, Paul hears it again, only louder- "Paaaaauuuul! Paaaauuuulll!" Paul is kicking himself for trying to ignore the word of Jesus, and he returns to the hill, even more determined to hear Jesus' message. Knowing that the centurions will try to stop him again, he sprints past them, taking one of them down with a flying tackle. Still, the centurions apprehend him as he shouts, "Jesus has an important message for me! Let me hear the dying words of my Lord!" The centurions proceed to beat the hell out of him and toss him down the hill. Paul returns home to tend to his wounds and pray to God for forgiveness for failing to be at Jesus' side as he dies. Then, clearer and louder than ever, he hears it again. "PAAAAAAUUUUULLL! PAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUULLLL!!!" To hell with it, Paul thinks, I've got to get up there, even if those centurions kill me. So Paul comes running out of his house once more, this time with a ladder. He runs up the hill, whacking all the centurions with the ladder and sending them tumbling down the hill. Paul finally reaches Jesus' cross at the top of the hill and begins to climb the ladder up to him. The centurions make it up there as he's climbing and begin breaking apart the ladder with their swords. Paul knows he's a dead man, but nothing will stop him from hearing Jesus' final message. He reaches the top of the ladder and gets up close to Jesus' ear and says "Jesus, I'm here. What is your message?" Jesus turns his head with a pained look in his eyes, and says through labored breaths, "Paul...

I can see your house from here!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

16304_10152316614368741_7566193735413352944_n.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Whiskey Business said:

Of course, you are talking about women.

 

Incoming.

 

This is for Whiskey Business:

 

 

So, a blonde woman goes into a bank in Downtown Manhattan, and says to the bank manager, "I would like a $5000 loan please."

The bank manager says, "that won't be a problem miss, but you will have to give us some collateral."

The blonde women smiles, pulls her car keys out of her purse, and hands them to the bank Manager. Then she says, "I can offer you my car, it is 2015 Rolls Royce Phantom."

The bank manager looks incredulously at the woman and says, "but miss, this car is worth half a million dollars?! Are you sure you need a $5000 loan?" The women smiles and nods, and the bank manager promptly draws up the contract; the woman had to pay %4 interest per month. The woman took her $5000 and the bank manager took her car.

31 days later the blonde woman comes back into the bank and says to the manager, "I am here to repay my loan, I would like my car back." The bank manager pulls up her account on the computer and says, "that will be $5200 please". The woman opens her purse, pulls out $5200 cash, and places it on the counter. The bank manager hands over her car keys and says, "your car is parked out front miss, but if you do not mind me asking, you seem very rich, why did you need a $5000 loan?"

The blonde woman smiles and says, "for $200, where else could I park in Downtown Manhattan for a month?"

 

A Blonde "city girl" marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to the fields, the rancher says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.  You just show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,'This is the one, right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me, lady,'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' she explains very
confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 

A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled. 
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" 
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?" 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

images (1).jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

6f1bac36737b2b0e682c55db7b50d1ea.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wonder how that was MEANT to be taken?

 

"We're cowboys - we work for a living, and have much more important things to do than watch some silly game with a ball that's not even round."

 

"We're Cowboys - a team so bad we never score a touchdown, and so have no idea what an end zone is."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

images (2).jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.