Hollywood Conventions

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

#7 on Marshal Troops list of Senior 12 Commandments is:

"Duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound"

 

That got me to thinking of all those Hollywood TV shows & movies where the person is taped or gagged and therefore rendered unable to make any sound at all. Remove the gag and they scream. Put it back on, silence. Real people could still make a lot of noise if all they had was a bandana between their teeth..

 

Several others come to mind:

If someone is stabbed, they die instantly without making a sound

Someone can be hit on the head with a small club and knocked unconscious, even though they're wearing a helmet. This occurs silently so someone only a few feet away is clueless.

A suppressed gun only makes a poof sound so the person in the next room is unaware of anything. The victim also dies silently.

You can land multiple punches on somebody's head without hurting your bare hand

It only takes seconds to drown someone by holding their head underwater. The victim doesn't fight back, but does flail a lot with their arms

 

Please add your own to the list.  

[Okie Sawbones, SASS #77381]

[Wyatt Earp SASS#1628L]

 

Every bad guy is a long distance runner and 9 times out of 10 gets away from the pursuing officer.

 

Every bad guy knows some form of martial arts, as does the officer fighting the suspect.

 

Every bad guy and most of his gang have fully automatic weapons. 

 

Fights seem to go on for several minutes and after being knocked down and seemingly out the fight starts anew.

 

Small female officers can always take on the bad guy no matter his size, and prevail.

 

Cops always arrive lights and siren no matter the call and always leave their lights on for the duration of the event. AND they always come to a screeching halt parked sideways in the road.

 

10,000 pound swat vehicles handle like a patrol car, usually a Dodge Charger.

 

Patrol vehicles, usually a Dodge Charger, always have trouble keeping up with the suspect's vehicles, usually some form of Chevy or Ford van.

 

 

[Sixgun Seamus]

John Wick can get hit by 2 cars or fall 3 stories after being shot and still kick butt on some bad guys. 

[Eyesa Horg]

Their guns rarely run out of ammo. 

Nobody ever has to pee!

[Smokin Gator SASS #29736]

Along with drowning they nearly always are able to kill someone by strangulation within seconds.  Police can stake out in a big black suv directly across the street, bad guys rarely notice. 

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

ANY handgun, revolver, semi auto, hammer fired OR striker fired, makes a 4 click sound when pulled from the holster and aimed at somebody. 

You can rack the action on a pump action shotgun to make the point that you're seriously threatening an adversary as many times as necessary, and never eject a round.

[J-BAR #18287]

They can get from one side of Chicago or LA or New York to the other side in 5 minutes.

 

During rush hour.

 

 

 

 

 

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

2 hours ago, J-BAR #18287 said:

They can get from one side of Chicago or LA or New York to the other side in 5 minutes.

 

During rush hour.

 

 

 

 

 

…while engaged in a high speed gunfight with multiple crashes and mayhem without any response from police…

[Lone Spur Jake SASS #7728]

Remember, every theater movie or TV movie is just another,  "Once Upon A time In Hollywood."   Love Tarantino movies!  Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and of course the above movie.

It's "escapism" for fun and wishful dreaming.  And there are many days now when we need this kind of fiction in our lives to keep us from going batshit with the way our country is falling apart.

[Red Gauntlet , SASS 60619]

In the saloons they keep breaking chairs over heads, and punches land with an audible smack. Then everybody sits up and shakes it off and it's ok again. Till the next time.

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

8 hours ago, Sixgun Seamus said:

John Wick can get hit by 2 cars or fall 3 stories after being shot and still kick butt on some bad guys. 

 

Well, he IS Canadian, so there is that.

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

58 minutes ago, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

 

Well, he IS Canadian, so there is that.

So Canadians are so soft that they bounce?

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

RUN is enough to get everyone clear of a bomb.

 

 

 

[Eyesa Horg]

They like to break the glass out of windows to shoot, rather than just opening the damn thing! Especially in Westerns, where it would probably take months to get new glass!

[Pat Riot]

Getting shot in the shoulder is a minor inconvenience which causes the person shot to wear a sling the next day but they may remove it and function normally the day after that. 
 

The good guys & gals always get hit in the love handles, shoulder or upper leg and it always heals quickly as “threw and threw” gun shots seem to actually heal within a day.

Any character showing pain or discomfort from a wound is obviously inferior and probably in league with the bad guy. 

 

One rap on the head renders any bad guy unconscious. Good guys may be knocked unconscious, but never remain unconscious if their love interest is threatened or calling out to him or there is a timer counting down. 
 

All bombs with timers are diffused at the one second mark. 
 

All bombs have a perfectly viewable timer. 
 

All bombs have at least one critical wire that is either red or blue.
 

Bombs must be made with colored wire and must follow a standard catalog of construction. Also bombs must be named and constructed the same as bombs the good guys have disarmed in various cities throughout the world. A Tokyo bomb can be like a bomb used in Madrid. Once used in Madrid the next bomb of the same configuration should be called “The Madrid bomb, like the one in Tokyo.” This is done so the audience is more confident in the good guy’s ability to diffuse the bomb…at the last second. 
 

If a bomb is wired with wire all of the same color it must be disassembled. When assembling a bomb the bad guy must use the tools found in a bomb squads tool kit to assemble his bomb. If not, the hardware must only be tightened enough that a multi-tool can be used for disassembly. 

All bomb makers have a signature way of assembling their bombs. Another bomber that copies this signature design will anger the original bomber and cause him to work with the authorities to find the copycat and punish him. 
 

All wires that can be cut to diffuse a bomb must be easily accessible by the good guy. 
 

All bomb squad robots are very shaky and rattley so that confidence in the robot is low thus encouraging a good guy to risk his life diffusing the bomb the robot just can’t do anything with. 

All bomb robots are required to have black and white cameras. Color cameras are just too expensive for the taxpayer to have to purchase. 

 

No one ever gets tripped up by a dog leash. 

[Tex Jones, SASS 2263]

In every gunfight between the cops and bad guys, everybody keeps missing until at least one bad guy stands out in the open in order to get shot. 

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

No matter what weapon gun is killed with the ME can find the bullet in the body and usually identify the kind of gun it was fired from.

 

I really like the original NCAS series, but come on, people.....!

[Cypress Sun]

Bullets must always pass through the bodies, splattering blood/tissue/brains on the wall behind the victim...never a bullet hole in the wall.

 

In horror movies, the soon to be victims always have to split up OR retreat to the highest/lowest place where there is no escape.

 

Movies made in large cities always have to be filmed at night, in the rain and all actors must wear sunglasses at all times.

 

Anyone shot with a shotgun must fly at least 10' through the air.

 

Wind must never blow any actors hair out of place UNLESS they are driving a convertible.

 

Psycho killers must always survive all injuries inflicted, no matter how severe the wounds until they appear to die at the end of the movie...but wait...they didn't die...maybe next time in Part II.

 

Credits must last for 5 minutes at the beginning or the movie because the viewer will surely care about the 12 production companies that made the movie.

 

 

 

 

[Pat Riot]

An open slot in a knife block means someone is going to die soon. 
 

There are never dirty dishes in a sink.

 

City women always disrobe in front of windows with the curtains pulled back and shades fully raised. Men are not allowed to look at them. 
 

The sexiest slender women are the best cooks.

 

No one ever farts. Ever…except on Blazing Saddles. 
 

All stopping trains must throw sparks. 
 

Paperwork is never done on any police show. If it is it can always wait until later unless there’s a promotion involved. 
 

All politicians are cagey, sly and untrustworthy…Oh, wait! That’s one thing they get right. Never mind. 
 

 

[Rip Snorter]

1 minute ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

An open slot in a knife block means someone is going to die soon. 
 

There are never dirty dishes in a sink.

 

City women always disrobe in front of windows with the curtains pulled back and shades fully raised. Men are not allowed to look at them. 
 

The sexiest slender women are the best cooks.

 

No one ever farts. Ever…except on Blazing Saddles. 
 

All stopping trains must throw sparks. 
 

Paperwork is never done on any police show. If it is it can always wait until later unless there’s a promotion involved. 
 

All politicians are cagey, sly and untrustworthy…Oh, wait! That’s one thing they get right. Never mind. 
 

 

Saving the best for last!

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

2 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

RUN is enough to get everyone clear of a bomb.

 

 

 

Yup. Every action hero can outrun the flame front of an explosion, especially when they make a diving leap. 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

In space the mass and volume of a ship are immaterial even when you land on the planet.

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

Any bomb or tracking device "hidden" somewhere will have a blinking LED and beep. 

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

Death is imminent as long as the bullet remains in the victim. Massive probing eventually removes it and the victim miraculously recovers. The bullet is always intact and without deformation. 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

2 minutes ago, Abilene Slim SASS 81783 said:

Death is imminent as long as the bullet remains in the victim. Massive probing eventually removes it and the victim miraculously recovers. The bullet is always intact and without deformation. 

Unless Abbie has it in her lab.

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

The detonator is a standard EB cap/initiator, easily seen and accessible, stuck into the explosive and the bomb tech is fretting about which wire to cut.

[Cypress Sun]

1 hour ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

In space the mass and volume of a ship are immaterial even when you land on the planet.

 

And in the spaceship, all crew personnel can mysteriously not be affected by the lack of gravity.

[Eyesa Horg]

Don't forget the miracle body shops along a high speed chase. We've pretty neat totaled the car and at the end, barely a dent to be seen.

[Cypress Sun]

5 minutes ago, Eyesa Horg said:

Don't forget the miracle body shops along a high speed chase. We've pretty neat totaled the car and at the end, barely a dent to be seen.

 

Don't forget the 11 speed four on the floor.

 

Or the tires that never blow out when hitting curbs at 80 mph.

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

This isn’t really a convention, but noteworthy nonetheless. Scroll to the 1:30 mark where you’ll see that none of the blood on Wyatt’s very bloody hand ever rubs off on Morgan’s forehead. 
 

 

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

The action hero can walk and fire unlimited rounds from an M-60. The 2 or 3-foot belt never gets shorter. 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A gunshot to the center of the forehead is always dead right there.

[Smokin Gator SASS #29736]

On the FBI there was a bomb that they said could level an entire city block. Against orders the female agent gets the bomb in the suv and drives to an open area she knows is nearby. She gets there jumps out runs maybe 20-25 yards and the bomb goes off. Suv destroyed. Shes barely shaken up.

 

They will find a 9mm case and immediately make too big of a deal that it's the same caliber as was used at a different shooting. Wow! Two 9mms. It's got to be the same shooter. 

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

2 hours ago, Cypress Sun said:

 

Don't forget the 11 speed four on the floor.

 

Or the tires that never blow out when hitting curbs at 80 mph.

Or the ones that do blow out just to make the heroes almost not get where they're going.  Happens on brand new cars more often than old clunkers.