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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread


Subdeacon Joe
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As the Russian army retreated from Ukraine, they captured a Ukrainian soldier and brought him to Moscow as a prisoner of war.

The Ukrainian soldier made a daring escape, stealing a Proryv-3 tank, but was mortally wounded in the process. Desperate, he went to a local funeral home and said, “I'll give you a Proryv-3 if you'll give me a proper funeral.”

The director instinctively asked, "What's a Proryv-3?"

The soldier said, “never mind," and moved along, realizing that the tank was of no value to the director.

Going to several other places, the soldier also got the same response: “What's a Proryv-3?”

Finally, he came to a huge complex with lots of tanks outside. He knocked on the door, and Vladimir Putin answered it.

“Sir, I'll give you a Proryv-3 if you'll give me a proper funeral,” he said.

Vladimir Putin replied, “What's a funeral?

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A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?”

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

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49 minutes ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?”

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

It's uncanny how they can do that! Usually within a couple minutes or less.:P

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This one never gets old:
 

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner.
Subject: Request for Naval Officer Escorts
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutant Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: "No Jews please.”
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the Captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.
"One is a lieutenant commander and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.”
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake.”
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
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On 11/13/2022 at 12:41 AM, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

Perhaps not very funny, but..................................

A_Parents_Guide.jpg

That’s China and dog appears on a menu as “ fragrant meat”. It has little to do with communism because it’s the same in Taiwan. A little different in Korea. In Viet Nam, well, …..

 

 

Edited by Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984
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On 11/12/2022 at 11:41 PM, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

Perhaps not very funny, but..................................

A_Parents_Guide.jpg

In Junior high School in the library there was a whole section of animal stories - Lassie, Big Red, like that. One book was about a Doberman Pinscher. At one stage of his life he was a messenger dog for the Army during World War II. And he gets wounded in France. This little French kid finds him and takes him home to nurse him back to health. The next day Grandma finds the dog out in the barn and is licking her lips and pinching the dog's muscles. That night the kid takes the dog on down the road aways and tells him he needs to go off on his own. Because if he stayed at the farm grandma was going to eat him.

 

That was quite a shocking idea to an eighth grader.

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My cousin arrived at Heathrow (UK) and rented a car. The rental agent thought it wise to give a little advice to a Yank.

 

”If you’re driving on the M1 [a high speed motorway] and you are in the right lane [the fast lane] and you see a red dot in your mirror, pull over to your left”

 

”What is it? Police? Fire? Ambulance?”

 

”Ferrari”

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1 hour ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

My cousin arrived at Heathrow (UK) and rented a car. The rental agent thought it wise to give a little advice to a Yank.

 

”If you’re driving on the M1 [a high speed motorway] and you are in the right lane [the fast lane] and you see a red dot in your mirror, pull over to your left”

 

”What is it? Police? Fire? Ambulance?”

 

”Ferrari”

In Germany, on the autobahn, people drive on the right side (same as America), and stay out of the left lane, except to pass or haul ass. 

If you're in the left lane and a BMW comes up behind you, he'll flash his headlights, signaling you to get the hell out of the way. Do so, and let him haul ass. For fun, try to catch him! You'll never forget it!

And, if you're boogying in the fast lane, folks will let YOU pass. 

German drivers are SO much more polite than us American drivers. Present company excepted, of course.

And to exit the autobahn, slow down and look for the AUSFAHRT sign. I kid you not. 

Happy Motoring!

 

 

Edited by Brazos John
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A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives this time of year, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Crown Royal, a bottle of Bim Beam, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a boxa choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

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