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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread


Subdeacon Joe
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On 11/12/2022 at 12:28 PM, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?”

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

 

On the same note, click on a picture of a pretty woman while surfing on your PC and watch your wife suddenly come into the room. Even when she's supposed to be at work.

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You just have to be handy.

Like me. A real problem solver!!

What could go wrong?

fixed-it-17.jpg

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14 hours ago, LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L said:

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives this time of year, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Crown Royal, a bottle of Bim Beam, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a boxa choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

Eye luv yutu.

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lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied...

"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

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#99
 

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 
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4 hours ago, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

5ffbf6ac3bb43.jpeg

How nostalgic! Back in the 80s, we went to a Harley rally and there was a woman that was equally his size on a Sportster.:lol: Her stomach was up on the gauges and her thighs/@$$ were only kept out of the chain and spokes by the saddle bags. It was crazy how much she had to slip the clutch to get the poor thing moving. But at least she had her face in the wind, I guess.

 

Going down the road, it looked like a fat person in the road with a tire shoved up their butt. :D

Edited by Eyesa Horg
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I give the boy credit. He's not wearing a shirt with vertical stripes (because, you know, vertical stripes are slimming). Go ahead and wear that horizontal striped thing. Own your fatness.

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Just completed the installation of the video monitoring system I bought at Costco.

fixed-it-19.jpg

b26cff33000b5bb4483594c206a7d4c3.jpg

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Boudreaux goes to Lake Charles where they just had a huge fire fly hatch to visit his sister for the weekend. Thib sees him back home next morning and asks "for why you home already?" 

Boudreaux says "I aint be stayin there no mo, they got skitoes that carry flashlights"

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On 11/19/2022 at 6:58 AM, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

Just completed the installation of the video monitoring system I bought at Costco.

b26cff33000b5bb4483594c206a7d4c3.jpg

 

When I was young I falsely assumed that being handy would help me attract a female. Unfortunately I learned that what women want is a man rich enough to pay someone ELSE to do the work. And then she can flirt with the handyman while hubby is at work.

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In 1996, Mongolia's first president, Ochirbat Punsalmaa, paid an official visit to the UK.

As a part of his visit, he and the Queen watched a ballet concert. In the midst of the concert, someone started to snore. As the sound of snoring became more disturbing, so that everyone, including the queen and the president, tried to find who it was, it turned-out to be one of Ochirbat's bodyguards.

Somewhat worried, the Queen asked Ochirbat if they should wake the poor bodyguard up. In response to that, Ochirbat said, "Oh, please don't. Look at your dancers, pointing to the ballerinas being on demi-pointe (tip-toeing), even they are trying hard not to wake him up."

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A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.

However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.

At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .

He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

“Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

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