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The Aussie Humour Thread


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5 hours ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 ..... let's try this .....  

 

 

 BIG controversy about justifying the telling of fibs ......

  ....... re-made ad she just says "sorry" ....    

 

 

:mellow:

 

Nope :(

 

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                             The Plastic Chair

                                               or  

Entrapment or, The Terryifying but Tragically True Tale Of Trevor’s Trapped Testicle

 

Lyrics

Most people have got a few plastic stacker chairs at their place. You know, the plastic ones that have the little splits in the seat. What you probably don’t realise is that when you sit on them, those splits open up, cos that’s happenin underneath ya bum and you don’t see, and when you stand up they close up again.

But they can be a bit tricky those chairs. And I’ve written this poem about a person who got into a bit of strife with a plastic stacker chair and I’ve called the poem ‘Entrapment’. And the expanded title is ‘The Terrifying But Tragically True Tale Of Trevor’s Trapped Testicle’.

Trevor’s on a mission, off to Consumer Affairs,
Trying to get a total ban on plastic stacker chairs.
He reckons that they’re dangerous, a serious threat to life.
Cos it was through a plastic chair that he got into strife.

It was at the Tamworth Festival, a concert in the park,
Trev and Ken were there with gear to last them until dark.
An esky full of coldies, Trev was without a care,
Stubbies, thongs and T-shirt, on his plastic stacker chair.

But as he stretched his legs out, his left crown jewel rolled free,
And dropped straight through the chair seat, a real catastrophe.
But Trevor remained unaware of his dire situation,
Until they gave the singer a big standing ovation.

As Trevor came up to his feet he gave a fearsome yell,
Cos tethered to his testicle, the chair came up as well.
He grabbed the chair with both hands as they crashed back to the ground,
But the errant family jewel was firmly stuck, he quickly found.

He tried to extract the enclosed nut, and then he began to curse,
Cos nothing he did seemed to work, it only made things worse.
Trev’s mate Ken was laughing, fit to go right off his brain,
Ken’s tears were from laughter but Trevor’s were from pain.

Ken produced a Stanley knife, and Trevor’s mouth went dry,
He said, “I’ll only cut the plaso chair,” but Trevor wouldn’t let him try.
Well, Ken climbed under and tried to poke things through,
It’s times like this you find out what ya mates will really do.

They pulled and poked and prodded, but all efforts were in vain,
Trevor’s nut was red and raw, and giving heaps of pain.
All this unwanted attention was no good you realise,
Trevor’s tortured testicle swelled up to twice it’s size.

Well, the word spread quickly through the park about the situation,
And people tried to get a glimpse of Trevor’s threatened castration.
Mums and Dads and kids and dogs, of every shape and age,
Trev got more attention then the singer on the stage.

Little kids were pointing, dogs were trying to have a smell,
and Trevor, trying to cover up, said, “Go to bloody hell*!”
“Poor bloke needs an icepack,” was the only good advice,
They sat Trev over his esky with his agate in the ice.

Someone called an ambulance, and they drove through the crowd,
Trev was drinking Bundy Rum and swearing very loud.
When they both stopped laughing, they carted Trev away,
To the hospital where he became the highlight of the day.

But Trevor’s near recovered, with both crown jewels in place,
Don’t offer him a plastic chair if you value your face.
But next year at the carnival, Trevor will be there,
Wearing tight undies, long trousers, on his canvas fold-out chair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062
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2 hours ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

                             The Plastic Chair

                                               or  

Entrapment or, The Terryifying but Tragically True Tale Of Trevor’s Trapped Testicle

 

Lyrics

Most people have got a few plastic stacker chairs at their place. You know, the plastic ones that have the little splits in the seat. What you probably don’t realise is that when you sit on them, those splits open up, cos that’s happenin underneath ya bum and you don’t see, and when you stand up they close up again.

But they can be a bit tricky those chairs. And I’ve written this poem about a person who got into a bit of strife with a plastic stacker chair and I’ve called the poem ‘Entrapment’. And the expanded title is ‘The Terrifying But Tragically True Tale Of Trevor’s Trapped Testicle’.

Trevor’s on a mission, off to Consumer Affairs,
Trying to get a total ban on plastic stacker chairs.
He reckons that they’re dangerous, a serious threat to life.
Cos it was through a plastic chair that he got into strife.

It was at the Tamworth Festival, a concert in the park,
Trev and Ken were there with gear to last them until dark.
An esky full of coldies, Trev was without a care,
Stubbies, thongs and T-shirt, on his plastic stacker chair.

But as he stretched his legs out, his left crown jewel rolled free,
And dropped straight through the chair seat, a real catastrophe.
But Trevor remained unaware of his dire situation,
Until they gave the singer a big standing ovation.

As Trevor came up to his feet he gave a fearsome yell,
Cos tethered to his testicle, the chair came up as well.
He grabbed the chair with both hands as they crashed back to the ground,
But the errant family jewel was firmly stuck, he quickly found.

He tried to extract the enclosed nut, and then he began to curse,
Cos nothing he did seemed to work, it only made things worse.
Trev’s mate Ken was laughing, fit to go right off his brain,
Ken’s tears were from laughter but Trevor’s were from pain.

Ken produced a Stanley knife, and Trevor’s mouth went dry,
He said, “I’ll only cut the plaso chair,” but Trevor wouldn’t let him try.
Well, Ken climbed under and tried to poke things through,
It’s times like this you find out what ya mates will really do.

They pulled and poked and prodded, but all efforts were in vain,
Trevor’s nut was red and raw, and giving heaps of pain.
All this unwanted attention was no good you realise,
Trevor’s tortured testicle swelled up to twice it’s size.

Well, the word spread quickly through the park about the situation,
And people tried to get a glimpse of Trevor’s threatened castration.
Mums and Dads and kids and dogs, of every shape and age,
Trev got more attention then the singer on the stage.

Little kids were pointing, dogs were trying to have a smell,
and Trevor, trying to cover up, said, “Go to bloody hell*!”
“Poor bloke needs an icepack,” was the only good advice,
They sat Trev over his esky with his agate in the ice.

Someone called an ambulance, and they drove through the crowd,
Trev was drinking Bundy Rum and swearing very loud.
When they both stopped laughing, they carted Trev away,
To the hospital where he became the highlight of the day.

But Trevor’s near recovered, with both crown jewels in place,
Don’t offer him a plastic chair if you value your face.
But next year at the carnival, Trevor will be there,
Wearing tight undies, long trousers, on his canvas fold-out chair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROFLMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday.

She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to “take in the scenery” and see what the American South has to offer.

She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to her son. She stops to rest when she is tired, eats when she is hungry, and otherwise enjoys her time.

On the second day, she realizes it’s about time to hurry things up if she wants to make it to her son’s before his birthday. She begins to ramp up the speed, just a few miles at a time. Soon, she’s flying down the highway, eager to get to New Orleans before sundown. Suddenly, a police officer pulls her over.

“Ma’am,” he says, “Do you know why I stopped you?”

“Yes,” the Aussie responds, “I may have been going a tad too fast in this car. I’m not used to the rules of the road around here and the speed got away from me. You see, I’m from another country and I’m trying to visit my son. ”

“Well, ma’am, you were clocking above 95 MPH! Did you come here to DIE??”

“No,” she says. “I came here yester-die.”
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I dinna believe that you are aware of how big America is.

 

She flew into LAX. That's in California, on the Pacific coast. She's driving to Louisiana, and taking her time. Then on day two she realizes she needs to really haul butt if she wants to get to his house in New Orleans before nightfall. Unless she's going to drive 95 mph all the way it's going to be about 3 days from California to Louisiana. Big place.

 

Google maps says 26 hours 13 minutes. 1900 miles.

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13 hours ago, Alpo said:

I dinna believe that you are aware of how big America is.

 

She flew into LAX. That's in California, on the Pacific coast. She's driving to Louisiana, and taking her time. Then on day two she realizes she needs to really haul butt if she wants to get to his house in New Orleans before nightfall. Unless she's going to drive 95 mph all the way it's going to be about 3 days from California to Louisiana. Big place.

 

Google maps says 26 hours 13 minutes. 1900 miles.

 

About 12 of those hours will spent just driving across Texas

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On 10/17/2021 at 11:22 AM, Alpo said:

I dinna believe that you are aware of how big America is.

 

 

 

 

 

Australia is pretty big.....but driving around through the unpopulated parts it feels a LOT bigger because there's only 25 million of us compared to the 300 or so million that you guys have in roughly give or take the same area.

 

Size-of-Australia-compared-to-USA-on-a-Map.jpg.eae754cce8a05decf911dfd3dec50364.jpg

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Ever wondered about: Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your missus with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your missus on the ass and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in severe injury.

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18 hours ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

^^^^^^

 

  ...... who said drunk Australians can't do stupid things ?   :huh:

No one ever! :D

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A sheila walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to do her taxreturn.

 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"No worries, he says, chicken farmer it is."

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Several years ago, during the pilot dispute, there were no domestic flights in Australia.
Remote places like Darwin, Cairns and Port Douglas went into crisis. They were tough times, everybody was in debt, and everybody lived on credit.

Fortunately, one day a rich American tourist stepped out of a taxi and walked into the lobby of a Port Douglas hotel.
He laid a 100 dollar note on the reception counter, and went to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel owner immediately took the 100 dollar note and ran to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher took the 100 dollar note, and ran to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer took the 100 dollar note, and ran to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel took the 100 dollar note and ran to pay his debt to his regular hooker who in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker ran to the hotel, and paid off her debt with the 100 dollar note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
And just as the 100 dollar note was back on the counter of the hotel, the tourist came down after inspecting the rooms, and saying that he did not like any of the rooms took his 100 dollar note back and left the hotel lobby.
The whole town was now without debt, and looked to the future with a lot of optimism.

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Bruce's grandfather goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.
Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?
I can cut them for you ' said the chemist but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.
I am 96 years old said the old man . I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers.

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of Americans tourist the top end. On their way to Kakadu, he was describing the abilities of the Aboriginae to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

 

Then later that day, the tour rounded a bend in the road. Lying in the middle of the road an Aboriginal . He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

 

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostate Aboriginae. Jacky, said the tour guide' what are you tracking and what are you listening for?

 

The Aboriginae replies, down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's Red, the left front tyre is bald, the front end is out of whack, and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellows in the back, all drinking warm Sherry. There are three kangaroos strapped to the roof and six dogs on the front seat.

 

The American tourists move forward astounded by this prescise and detailed knowledge. 'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?? Asked one.

 

The Aboriginae replies, I fell out of the bloody thing about a half an hour ago.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/20/2021 at 5:55 PM, Buckshot Bear said:

Bruce's grandfather goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.
Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?
I can cut them for you ' said the chemist but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.
I am 96 years old said the old man . I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers.

Also handy if you have problems with rolling out of your bed while sleeping          GW

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On 10/31/2021 at 10:55 PM, G W Wade said:

Also handy if you have problems with rolling out of your bed while sleeping          GW

 

 ....... I've heard that they  are giving it to men in the Olde Peoples Homes for just that reason ....... 

 

 

;)

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