The Aussie Humour Thread

[Buckshot Bear]

Just now, Alpo said:

Understood all of that except snags.

 

Snags = Sausages

[Major Crimes]

11 hours ago, Alpo said:

On the map, just above the KIN in frickin, it says backpacker murders. That appears to be in the North. Or maybe not, since Oz is upside down. Maybe down there North is on the bottom of a map and South is on the top?

Backpacker murders have happened all over Australia with particularly infamous ones in the North and in NSW as well as that guy down south.

[Alpo]

Aha.

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Buckshot Bear]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

1 minute ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

 STATEMENT OF ABSOLUTE FACT !!!!!

[Buckshot Bear]

Bruce asked his missus, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

[Buckshot Bear]

I got no idea what the hell this is.....but I know I don't want to meet one whilst I'm having a swim!!!!!

 

[Perro Del Diablo]

Ok there is nothing funny about Australia,       well maybe Wallaby Jack something just not right about him 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

There ain't no rule that says I gotta be otherwise .....   

[Buckshot Bear]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

5. Phenomina

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Buckshot Bear]

 

"How to Talk Australians"

 

 

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

 ...... you remember that cultural cringe .........   IT'S BACK !!!   

[Buckshot Bear]

Sheila asked Bruce: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humour!'

[Buckshot Bear]

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are.'

[Buckshot Bear]

An old bloke in Darwin lived alone and he wanted to plant a vegie garden.
But it was very difficult work, as the ground in Darwin is mostly rock and red clay. His only son, Robbo, who could help him, was in Berrimah prison again for drink driving and dope smoking.
The old bloke wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his problem.
Dear Robbo, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my vegie garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were it would be easier. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A coupla days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear dad, what ever you do, don't dig up that bloody garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Early the next morning, the cops arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old bloke and left.
That same day the old bloke received another letter from his son.
Dear dad, go ahead and plant the vegies now. This was the best I could do under the circumstances.

[Buckshot Bear]

Sheila to Bruce: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
Bruce replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

[Trailrider #896]

I know the voice of that school teacher... He calls me quite often telling me there is a problem with my computer; or from the credit card company (the card of which I don't own), and many more!

[Buckshot Bear]

5 minutes ago, Trailrider #896 said:

I know the voice of that school teacher... He calls me quite often telling me there is a problem with my computer; or from the credit card company (the card of which I don't own), and many more!

 

LOL he calls me as well......right around dinner time. But I didn't fall for this one @Trailrider #896

 

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

7 hours ago, Father Kit Cool Gun Garth said:

 

...... and so it should be in the rest of the world/universe .......   

[Buckshot Bear]

She Missed A Dinner With Tom Cruise (Aussie Lamb Commercial)

 

 

 

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

speaking of lamb ..... do you remember "sorry, Mum said no." ?  

[Buckshot Bear]

28 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

speaking of lamb ..... do you remember "sorry, Mum said no." ?  

 

No? I need a brain refresh

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

... young Lady (13 or 14) is visiting, her friends family are going out for pizza, all are excited, young Lady rings home to see if it's OK. ....... lamb roast ....   

 

 

 

 ..... there were some trouble  about kids lying/telling fibs ......   

[Buckshot Bear]

29 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

... young Lady (13 or 14) is visiting, her friends family are going out for pizza, all are excited, young Lady rings home to see if it's OK. ....... lamb roast ....   

 

 

 

 ..... there were some trouble  about kids lying/telling fibs ......   

 

No....Hope I'm not getting early onset Alzheimer's .....least I'll be able to re-watch a lot of movies again.

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

Actually, I thought you were ........   

 

 

 

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

 ..... let's try this .....  

 

 

 BIG controversy about justifying the telling of fibs ......

  ....... re-made ad she just says "sorry" ....    

 

 

[Buckshot Bear]

5 hours ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 ..... let's try this .....  

 

 

 BIG controversy about justifying the telling of fibs ......

  ....... re-made ad she just says "sorry" ....    

 

 

 

Nope

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

Just now, Buckshot Bear said:

 

Nope

 

 ....... but, but, but that IS the one ......   

[Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L]

Now it's a Go.

 

 

 

Edited October 15, 2021 by Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

I'm glad that's sorted ....   

Edited October 16, 2021 by Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062

[Sedalia Dave]