The Aussie Humour Thread

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Buckshot Bear]

One afternoon a man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, the man went inside and sat down.
"Ah..." said the woman as she gazed into her  crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully.
"I'm the father of three children."
The mysterious psychic grinned and said, "That's what you think!"

[Buckshot Bear]

Why do women always watch porn movies until the end ?


Because they think at the end everyone's going to get married...

[Buckshot Bear]

1 minute ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 

  ............... I think I've been to him ........      

 

 

 

Wallaby.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

oops!  

[Buckshot Bear]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, he replied.

[Buckshot Bear]

I’ve finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine.

He’s a Bordeaux Collie.

And yes, he paws it himself.

[WOLFY]

 

Edited January 10, 2022 by WOLFY
better pic

[Buckshot Bear]

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.

His dude replies 'You're so lucky... Mine is still alive...'

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

The young heiress is being driven to school by her dad’s chauffeur when he gets a flat.  As he struggles to get the hubcap off, she asks him “You want a screwdriver?”

 

He said, “Might as well, can’t get this hubcap off.”

[Buckshot Bear]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction sitenoticed the coarse language of the workersand decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch,sit with the workersand talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bagandwalked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his sheila's here with his lunch"

[Alpo]

Now that one I like. Most of these "Aussie humour" are jokes I've heard many times before, or really didn't think much of.

 

But this one - this one is funny.

[Buckshot Bear]

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked the other, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm gunna be takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

[Buckshot Bear]

A Vietnamese Doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks"

A German Doctor says " That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks"

A Russian Doctor says "In My country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks"

The Australian Doctor, not to be outdone, says " You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra for one year, and now half the country is looking for work"!

[Buckshot Bear]

Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time.
 ... "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out of arrows

[Buckshot Bear]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

 

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

And Finally.............................
In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

[Buckshot Bear]

Facts about Orstralia!

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (theoretically speaking).

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing  them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the pallet.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore, a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had first hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced  to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late 1800s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but also to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one  that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then you're not trying.

22. Unless of ethnic origin, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence are acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad or bread rolls at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women can be tougher.

27. The chief test of personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

[Alpo]

8 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm

Here in the states, that is referred to as "all hat, no cattle".

 

11 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

Had to go look that one up. The answer to WHAT IS A SNAG IN AUSTRALIAN SLANG is:

A dry inedible sausage served overcooked with burned onion and sauce for two dollars fifty as fundraisers outside hardware stores.

• Example: "Gonna get a snag from Bunnings mate?" "Nah bugger off, I'm going to the local Chinese joint and getting something edible!"

 

[Buckshot Bear]

2 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Here in the states, that is referred to as "all hat, no cattle".

 

 

 

LOL I like that Alpo  

[Alpo]

We even have, or at least we used to have - haven't seen him on the wire for a while, a shooter named No Cattle.

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

3 hours ago, Father Kit Cool Gun Garth said:

England also sent criminals to the Americas, after the Revolution they still needed a far away place to dump the riffraff and organized First Fleet and shipped their hoodlums to Australia.  IIRC The first place settled was Botany Bay.  (Now flashback to a Star Trek movie).

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Come to think of it, England could have sent their criminals to Canada but I suppose that would have been cruel and unusual punishment.

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

4 hours ago, Father Kit Cool Gun Garth said:

 

We have quite a few New Zealanders in Australia, many of which reside in Bondi; seems to be as close to NZ as they can get without leaving ......   

[MizPete]

On 12/9/2021 at 1:53 PM, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

and that's why we eat vegemite 

What, exactly is vegemite?

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

19 minutes ago, MizPete said:

What, exactly is vegemite?

https://www.google.com/search?q=vegemite&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBAU984AU984&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&vet=1&fir=Wl0M9G-ooUCZQM%2Ccnvkx7g6SBRnkM%2C%2Fm%2F07_jx%3BXXY5fBaIoGzT7M%2CKIIaX89UHNHgWM%2C_%3BxmmzSohY6akV0M%2CpHlMPJWzN6xLWM%2C_%3BNsQhx2_Fm4viTM%2CjxjFfomgBcfHAM%2C_%3BC8bdAXgTK7eEYM%2C_pynDDGiTmonWM%2C_%3Bjb-9bZcyei_czM%2CaPaJZ95I0dfvDM%2C_%3BjCM3BMLdx26_lM%2CtUePim3iX8AJ7M%2C_&usg=AI4_-kRgVmMsrWPXb8iR_vdRg-aLjTHyTA&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjGo7mZvrf1AhVUSGwGHYYwBYgQ_B16BAgwEAE#imgrc=Wl0M9G-ooUCZQM

[Buckshot Bear]

How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face..I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries other than Australia: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ^$%#g beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your *&%^$%^%&g snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't ^$%#g going anywhere!   Got it, Arsehole?'
So he stayed home......................and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?

[Buckshot Bear]

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified:
"Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Buckshot Bear]

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. 
At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. 
He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. 
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. 
She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. 
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. 
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. 
She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says.
"What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, 
"I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

[Alpo]

This is not Australian. It's not a joke. But when I read that joke just above this it reminded me of this song.

 

 

[Buckshot Bear]

What happened when he shooed the dog away? It din'go.

[Buckshot Bear]

Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. 'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him. 'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.

[Buckshot Bear]

Speak Australish

• Salad dodger - Fatso.

[Buckshot Bear]

Funny, Odd, Interesting, Relatively Useless and Random Australian Trivia

 

1. Each and every part of Australia is within a distance of 1000km from ocean or a beach.
2. 30,028 square km of land is under cattle ranches. This area size is almost the same as that of the whole Belgium.
3. People of Queensland in Australia are called "Banana Benders", and "Sand Gropers" is the name given to the people from Western Australia.
4. There are nearly 25,000,000 people in Australia, of which approximately 80% live in cities next to the sea.
5. Australia has, probably, the lowest population density of any country in the world, ie, 2 people per square km. Japan has 327 people/2km
6. The area of Australia that is covered by snow in winter is larger than the area of Switzerland.
7. 70% of the world's wool comes from Australia. We have over 126,000,000 sheep, which use fully half the continent for grazing.
8. The longest fence in the world is in Australia, and it runs for over 5,530 kms. It's designed to keep dingoes away from the sheep.
9. The wine cask, the ubiquitous plastic bag full of wine contained in a cardboard box, was invented in Australia in 1967.
10. Qantas stands for Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services.