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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

Subdeacon Joe

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Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”

“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that…”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my house.”

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2 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:


He's shooting the snow like a pro! Nice and straight!

What happened between then and when he's in a fire-fight?

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Joseph Stalin visits a factory where the workers spontanously present him a newly made Soviet automobile!


Stalin asked the workers: “Comrades, congratulations with the good work of Soviet ingeneering, what is the name you’ve given for this automobile”?

The worker answered proudly: “We named it MOTHERLAND (Rodina)! Comrade Stalin!”

A grim on Stalins’ face appeared, he took his pipe to smoke and stared at the worker for 10 seconds. The worker started to feel uncomfortable and suddenly Stalin asked…


“And for how much are you willing to sell the motherland, comrade”?

The next day a new car was born with a different name, called ‘VICTORY’ (Pobeda).

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Ok this merits a retelling of one of Ronald Reagan’s jokes.


In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car... He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'

'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'

'The plumber is coming in the morning

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In the comments section of a webcomic somebody made the statement that her toddler broke into the house next door and stole their dog. Someone else said "I must hear this story". So the dog snatcher's mother told the story.



When my twins were little we lived in this row of units with identical floorplans. The house to our left had a full height fence, but to the right was a waist-high metal mesh fence with a gate. We were friendly with our neighbour, she was a single mum to a teen, and we let their pug in our yard to play pretty often. When the kids figured out the gate latch we bought a lock. One day the kids are playing in the yard and I go inside to pee. I'm gone all of 90 seconds and when I come back out my son is straddling the fence, and my daughter is waddling out of next door's back door, with this poor dog clutched in her chubby little arms. My neighbour is trailing behind laughing hysterically, apparently little miss opened their back door, walked into the kitchen, frightened her daughter by screaming "DOG! MY DOG!" and picked the dog up from where she was sleeping.

Kid got to the fence, realised she couldn't climb back over with the dog in her arms, came over to the gate and screamed at me "MUM! DOG!!!"

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This was #49.


"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hoo*kers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that

phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the rectory. As the priest ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hoo*kers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, put your rosary beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered.

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1 hour ago, Alpo said:



The best part of that story is the last line.

I should get it, I guess, but I don't.

Help me out.

Yeah, I know, which way did you come in...  

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16 minutes ago, Brazos John said:

I should get it, I guess, but I don't.

Help me out.

Yeah, I know, which way did you come in...  

The key is in the model of the car - Highlander - in the movie and TV series of the same name, it was a catch phrase - "There can be only one".  The immortals would fight until there was only one left.



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