It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Stolen from the internet

 

A True Story .... Carnation Milk

When opening a can of carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this:

A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation…

So when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”

She said to herself “ I know all about milking cows and dairy farms… I can do this!”

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… A man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we WILL NOT Be able to use it...

Here is her entry

 

Carnation Milk

Is best of all, No t**s to pull ,

No hay to haul,

No buckets to wash,

No s**t to pitch ,

Just poke a hole

In the Son-********

[Eyesa Horg]

That's excellent! 

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/133571056100591?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e

[sassnetguy50]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

6 minutes ago, sassnetguy50 said:

 

 ....... so, she likes horses ? ....  

[Alpo]

I was thinking that she didn't look much like a horse-faced woman to me.

[Sedalia Dave]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

 

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
 

'No,' she answered.
 

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 

 

 

and that's is why I am on the couch,   AGAIN.
 

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

 

[Subdeacon Joe]

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

 

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

 

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde: she proceeds to knock everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She also hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

They corner him and ask. "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies. "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask.

"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says: "I lied about my age."

His friends respond:

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says:

"No, I told her I was 90." 

[Sedalia Dave]

 

[DocWard]

On 3/31/2023 at 3:11 PM, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 ....... so, she likes horses ? ....  

 

I'll just say that when I asked Mrs. Doc to marry me, I knew that if I ever came to a point where Iaid down the ultimatum "it's either me or the horses," I'd have my bags packed and ready to go.

[DocWard]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f***ing beautiful!'

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

[Alpo]

7 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

There's a webcomic. These three little eight-year-old girls are standing there, and one of them is extremely mad at something and throws her Game Boy to the ground. KA-SMASH!!

 

One of the other little girls jumps back and says, "CHEESE AND RICE!! You're going to get in trouble for that."

 

Took me a while to get it. One of those things that you really need to read it out loud to understand what they said.

 

Edited April 3, 2023 by Alpo
add pic

[DocWard]

On 3/31/2023 at 10:42 PM, Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485 said:

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

 

I don't recall if it's been posted here before (it probably has at this point. I wonder what number it is?), But that reminds me of the one about the guy broken down in the minivan.

 

A guy pulls up next to him in a Ferrari to see if he needs any help, and after the two of them look it over, realize he needs a tow into the nearest town, some miles away. The Ferrari owner says "I happen to have a tow strap, and I think my V-12 is more than capable of pulling your minivan. Just honk if I go too fast." With that, they hook up, and the Ferrari slowly starts easing down the road. 

As luck would have it, a McLaren pulls up beside the Ferrari, revs, and takes off, pulling away rapidly from the Ferrari. Forgetting all about the minivan behind him, the Ferrari downshifts, and in short order is gaining on the other supercar. About the time he pulls even with the McLaren, doing an honest 170mph, the two pass a deputy sheriff running radar.

The deputy, knowing he will never catch them calls in to dispatch. He tells dispatch they're never going to believe what he just saw. When the dispatcher asks what, he replies "A Ferrari and a McLaren racing, I clocked them at over 170 mph!" Upon hearing this, his Sergeant cuts in and says, "That's not so hard to believe!" The deputy replies, "Yeah, but there was a minivan on their tail, honking his horn like crazy, wanting to pass!"

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

25 minutes ago, DocWard said:

The deputy replies, "Yeah, but there was a minivan on their tail, honking his horn like crazy, wanting to pass!"

Maybe just wanted to know how to get it out of second gear.

[Rip Snorter]

8 minutes ago, Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485 said:

Maybe just wanted to know how to get it out of second gear.

Beep, Beep!

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

42 minutes ago, DocWard said:

 

I don't recall if it's been posted here before (it probably has at this point. I wonder what number it is?), But that reminds me of the one about the guy broken down in the minivan.

 

A guy pulls up next to him in a Ferrari to see if he needs any help, and after the two of them look it over, realize he needs a tow into the nearest town, some miles away. The Ferrari owner says "I happen to have a tow strap, and I think my V-12 is more than capable of pulling your minivan. Just honk if I go too fast." With that, they hook up, and the Ferrari slowly starts easing down the road. 

As luck would have it, a McLaren pulls up beside the Ferrari, revs, and takes off, pulling away rapidly from the Ferrari. Forgetting all about the minivan behind him, the Ferrari downshifts, and in short order is gaining on the other supercar. About the time he pulls even with the McLaren, doing an honest 170mph, the two pass a deputy sheriff running radar.

The deputy, knowing he will never catch them calls in to dispatch. He tells dispatch they're never going to believe what he just saw. When the dispatcher asks what, he replies "A Ferrari and a McLaren racing, I clocked them at over 170 mph!" Upon hearing this, his Sergeant cuts in and says, "That's not so hard to believe!" The deputy replies, "Yeah, but there was a minivan on their tail, honking his horn like crazy, wanting to pass!"

I don’t know about the rest of the country but a tow strap has been illegal here for many many years.

 

 

Edited April 3, 2023 by Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

27 minutes ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

I don’t know about the rest of the country but a tow strap has been illegal here for many many years.

 

 

 

 ........ so are a lot of other "things" .....   

[Alpo]

1 hour ago, DocWard said:

 

I don't recall if it's been posted here before (it probably has at this point. I wonder what number it is?), But that reminds me of the one about the guy broken down in the minivan

This was an ethnic joke from the late sixties early seventies, but I have changed the description of the guy on the bicycle and it is no longer ethnic.

 

Old guy's riding a bicycle and the chain broke. A hippie in a mustang stops and says he would like to help but his car is full and he doesn't have room for the man, let alone any place to put the bicycle. He does, however, have a rope, and he can tie the rope to his bumper and the other into the bike and tow the man into town. He says that he will drive slow, and if at any time the biker feels they're getting too fast, he should just ring his bell, and the hippie would hear it and slow down.

 

So they drive off in about 20 miles an hour and everything is working fine. Then there's a red light, and they're stopped at the light, and a preppy in a Camaro pulls up next to the hippie, flips him a bird, and guns the engine. Completely forgetting about the man on the bicycle tied behind him, the hippie guns his engine, and when the light turns green they're off.

 

When they blew past the cop at the speed trap he radioed ahead.

 

"There's a preppy in a Camaro racing a hippie in a mustang, and radar says they is doing 115. And you ain't going to believe this. Right behind them on a bicycle is a gray-faced old man ringing his bell trying to pass!"

[Eyesa Horg]

But we still use them! The tow straps that is!

Edited April 3, 2023 by Eyesa Horg