Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted January 13 Posted January 13 Erotic is with a feather. Exotic is with the whole chicken. 1 6 Quote
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted January 13 Posted January 13 Four American IT students traveled to Heidelberg, Germany for an international exchange. They were welcomed by a quartet of aspiring German computer scientists, who showed them around for a week and shared with them a glass of beer or two. After that time, they all decided to take a weekend train trip to Munich; getting a glimpse of the countryside on the way, and perhaps do some botanical studies in Munich’s beer gardens. The Germans explained their train system: get your ticket at the station, just hop on a train, and when during the ride a uniformed ticket inspector shows up with the words: ‚Ihre Fahrkarte bitte..‘ (your ticket, please…‘), they’d show their tickets, and that’s it. At the ticket counter, the Americans each bought a ticket, however the Germans among them just purchased one. They all took seats in a mid train compartment, the Germans keeping their eyes open for the inspector. When he enters the carriage, they all get up and head to the next toilet, where all four slip in and lock the door. The inspector proceeds through the compartment, and when he arrives at the toilet, knocks and asks: ‚Ihre Fahrkarte bitte!‘. They shove the ticket under the door, he scans it, nods, pushes it back, and walks on. The Americans watched, agreed that it was a Trump-worthy smart thing, and decided to do the same on the way back. So, when returning after the weekend (and enhanced botanical/gastronomical studies), the Americans buy just one ticket; however the Germans buy none. Again, they all take place in a middle compartment; this time the Americans keep their eyes peeled. When the inspector enters the carriage, they rise, rush to the next toilet, squeeze in and lock the door. The Germans calmly kept their seats till the door closed; then stood up and strolled off the same route. But when passing the door, one of them knocks and in an official voice demands: ‚Ihre Fahrkarte bitte!‘. The Americans shove their ticket under the door, the Germans take it, and quickly walk off, to hide in the next toilet. Moments later, the ticket inspector reaches the first toilet, knocks on the door and asks for the ticket. When he hears four bewildered American voices inside, he reaches for his keys and gives them a minute to get out, else he would open the door from outside….. The moral of the story is: Americans should never try to apply advanced German IT techniques, that they don’t fully comprehend….! 1 4 Quote
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted January 13 Posted January 13 When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon. When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Three quarters of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon. When he has completely finished the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." All the people in the church raise their hands, except one little old lady. The priest goes to the old lady and asks, "Why are you still unwilling to forgive your enemies?" "Simple," the old lady replies. "I have no enemies." "How old are you?" "96." "And you have no enemies?" "None at all." The priest is amazed. "Come up to the front with me!" So the priest and the old lady go up to the front of the church. The priest says, "Please explain to my entire congregation how it is possible that you have no enemies!" "Simple," says the old lady. "I outlived them all." 1 5 Quote
Subdeacon Joe Posted January 14 Author Posted January 14 (edited) 5 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said: Erotic is with a feather. Exotic is with the whole chicken. Hmmmm....I thought it was Erotic whe we use a feather. Exotic when you (plural) use a feather. Kinky when you use the bird. Perverse when you abuse the bird. Edited January 14 by Subdeacon Joe 3 1 2 Quote
Eyesa Horg Posted January 15 Posted January 15 10 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said: And a fly rod! 3 Quote
Subdeacon Joe Posted January 15 Author Posted January 15 Little known fact: Dragons can't expolde. But a Dino might. 1 3 Quote
Alpo Posted January 15 Posted January 15 Not according to a fantasy novel I was reading one time. Dragon blood is hydrochloric acid. The byproduct of this is it produces hydrogen gas, which not only gives the dragon lift so he can fly, but fuel for his flaming breath. In the book a dragon was shot with an arrow and spiraled down and landed on a campfire, and because he was leaking hydrogen gas he exploded. 2 1 5 Quote
Alpo Posted January 15 Posted January 15 That's dumb. If my wife needed feminine hygiene products, and the two of us go to the store together, I would not go in to buy them. We might go in together, or she would go in because she knows what she wants. If the wife that knows nothing about cars goes to the auto parts store with the husband, and he tells her to go into the store and buy whatever. If she's got any sort of sense she will tell him to go get it because he knows what he wants. And that's what should have happened here. If I was the wife, either the husband would have gone in with me to get the brass magnet, or I would have told him to go get it himself because he knows what model he wants. 2 2 Quote
Eyesa Horg Posted January 15 Posted January 15 That reminds of first time had to pick up tampons as the wife had the flu. I walk into the convenience store up the road and nearly die when I see all the choices. I knew what the box looked like..... but size!!!! Rated right up there with buying condoms when you're a teenager! 1 3 Quote
Subdeacon Joe Posted January 15 Author Posted January 15 4 minutes ago, Alpo said: That's dumb. 1.) You have no concept of a prank, do you? 5 minutes ago, Alpo said: If my wife needed feminine hygiene products, and the two of us go to the store together, I would not go in to buy them. 2.) Why not? 3.) One time she ran out (not bad planning, just a flow that was about 3x normal) and couldn't go out because of cramps. "Look for purple box." There I was in Walmart looking at the 50 foot long, 10 foot high wall of the versions fo the product. Call her, ask her the brand, the type, the specific wording on the box. 15 minutes later I flag down someone who works there. Took her about 5 seconds to find them. 7 minutes ago, Eyesa Horg said: That reminds of first time had to pick up tampons as the wife had the flu. I walk into the convenience store up the road and nearly die when I see all the choices. I knew what the box looked like..... but size!!!! Rated right up there with buying condoms when you're a teenager! Once I asked my wife to pick up some motor oil since she was going to be out and about. 5 quarts Chevron Supreme 20W 50. When she got home she now knew how I felt when she asked me to get tampons for her. 3 1 Quote
Eyesa Horg Posted January 15 Posted January 15 1 minute ago, Subdeacon Joe said: 1.) You have no concept of a prank, do you? 2.) Why not? 3.) One time she ran out (not bad planning, just a flow that was about 3x normal) and couldn't go out because of cramps. "Look for purple box." There I was in Walmart looking at the 50 foot long, 10 foot high wall of the versions fo the product. Call her, ask her the brand, the type, the specific wording on the box. 15 minutes later I flag down someone who works there. Took her about 5 seconds to find them. Once I asked my wife to pick up some motor oil since she was going to be out and about. 5 quarts Chevron Supreme 20W 50. When she got home she now knew how I felt when she asked me to get tampons for her. But at least you told her 20W 50 aaand the brand! 2 Quote
Blackwater 53393 Posted January 15 Posted January 15 2 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said: I'm going to that special hell. HELL! I bet even Jesus laughed at that one!! 3 5 Quote
John Kloehr Posted January 15 Posted January 15 2 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said: Eddy currents... It is possible to make a "magnet" for non-ferrous metals. Not sure I could make a hand-held unit, the batteries might have to be a bit large... An introduction to the idea: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddy_current_brake 1 5 Quote
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted January 15 Posted January 15 A blonde has a fender-bender and takes her car to a body shop to have it fixed. The repairman decides to have some fun with her and tells her that it’ll cost her $300 to bump out the damage BUT she can actually fix it herself by blowing into the exhaust pipe. Overjoyed, she thanks him, drives home, parks her car in the driveway, and proceeds to take his advice. A blonde friend happens to be driving by and stops her car. She asks her friend what she’s doing and blonde #1 explains, pointing out that it doesn’t seem to be working. Blonde #2 replies “Well DUH. You’re SUPPOSED to shut the windows first! “ 1 6 Quote
Alpo Posted January 15 Posted January 15 My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says "Do Not Resuscitate." It's been months since I bought the book, “How To Scam People Online.” It still hasn't arrived yet. If you have a red wine stain on your carpet, get some white wine and drink it until you don't care anymore. One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money. If your palm itches, you are going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it. 7 Quote
Subdeacon Joe Posted January 16 Author Posted January 16 Just heard a good line on one of the true crime docudramas. Talking about a small town that had lots of, shall we say unsanctioned intermarital relationships, one of which led to a murder. "A soap opera in their back yards. Like Peyton Place....with guns." Of course, typical of the entertainment industry, that channel's description of the gun is "her husband’s service revolver, a semi-automatic 9mm Glock. " 2 3 Quote
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted January 16 Posted January 16 4 hours ago, Eyesa Horg said: That reminds of first time had to pick up tampons as the wife had the flu. I walk into the convenience store up the road and nearly die when I see all the choices. I knew what the box looked like..... but size!!!! Rated right up there with buying condoms when you're a teenager! 4 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said: One time she ran out (not bad planning, just a flow that was about 3x normal) and couldn't go out because of cramps. "Look for purple box." There I was in Walmart looking at the 50 foot long, 10 foot high wall of the versions fo the product. Call her, ask her the brand, the type, the specific wording on the box. When I was tasked with such purpose, I took a picture of the previously obtained box with my phone, because I was knowledgeable enough to know what I was in for. 4 Quote
Eyesa Horg Posted January 16 Posted January 16 13 minutes ago, Rip Snorter said: Always a spin on things! They wrack themselves for these stories! Quote
Eyesa Horg Posted January 16 Posted January 16 7 minutes ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said: When I was tasked with such purpose, I took a picture of the previously obtained box with my phone, because I was knowledgeable enough to know what I was in for. There was no such thing as digital cameras or phone when I exercised the task. 1 1 Quote
Alpo Posted January 16 Posted January 16 Was his service revolver a semi-automatic 9mm Glock, or a fully semi-automatic 9mm Glock? We don't need to have any of those fully semi-automatics. 1 2 Quote
Alpo Posted January 16 Posted January 16 My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday. My wife said, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said, "No, I keep telling them it's for you." I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone. At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people, please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. I met my wife at a single's night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids. I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time. Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending three weeks behind the fridge. 2 3 Quote
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted January 16 Posted January 16 10 minutes ago, Eyesa Horg said: There was no such thing as digital cameras or phone when I exercised the task. I probably would have taken a panel off the box then. 2 Quote
Eyesa Horg Posted January 16 Posted January 16 1 minute ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said: I probably would have taken a panel off the box then. In retrospect I fully agree! However when you're a youngun, just the request is somewhat daunting, let alone being allowed time for any planning or preparation! By the time you're asked, it's an emergency! NOW!! 1 3 Quote
Lobster221 Posted January 16 Posted January 16 9 minutes ago, Alpo said: My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday. My wife said, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said, "No, I keep telling them it's for you." I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone. At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people, please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. I met my wife at a single's night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids. I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time. Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending three weeks behind the fridge. I guess you won't try that again lol Quote
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted January 16 Posted January 16 A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" 4 Quote
DocWard Posted January 16 Posted January 16 7 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said: AB would just look at me, ask me how stupid I am, and explain that brass is non-ferrous and that I need to get a life. All that if I was lucky and she didn't get angry. 4 2 Quote
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