It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Alpo]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A number of years ago there was a newly ordained Catholic priest by the name of Father Conor O'Malley. 
Due to family connections, his first assignment is The Cathedral of the Most Holy Trinity located on Barronstrand Street in Waterford City, Ireland.
He finds it's a huge old cathedral with a 43 meter spire and 49 meters of balconies accross it's transepts and can seat over 1000 people during services.
Father O'Mally is assigned to the local Monsignor for training and familiarization with local customs and procedures. After about three months, he's finally ready to give his first Mass. 
He's nervous; but he completes the mass and then meets up with the Monsignor and asks "Monsignor, how did I do?" 
The Monsignor says "Father O'Malley, you did OK for your first Mass. You were obviously a little nervous. I've been doing this a long time, so here's a little advice. Before your next Mass, dring a little Whiskey. It'll calm you down and warm you up, and you'll be fine."
Unlike the stereotypical Irishman, Father O'Malley has never had a drink in his life so he doesn't know what a little Whisky is; but he figures that the guy at the liquor store is an expert. 
So he goes to the local liquor store and says "I need a little Whisky." The store clerk sets down a fifth of Tullamore Dew. As far as Father O'Malley is concerned, THAT is a little Whiskey. Before his next Mass, he drinks the whole bottle. When he's done, he again asks "Monsignor, how did I do?"
The Monsignor says: "Father O'Malley, if you are going to continue to say Mass at this Parish, we need to get a few things straight:
1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There were 12 Apostles, not 10.
3) You will not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late Great J.C.
4) Nor will you refer to the Trinity as Old Man, Junior, and the Spook.
5) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of Goliath.
6) Jesus Christ was crucified, not circumcised.
7) And finally, next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's"

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Seen on Amazon, description of a shower curtain..

 

Quote

Plastic Shower Curtain, Heavy Duty 8G Shower Curtain for Bathroom, Waterproof Vinyl Shower Curtain, 3 Magnets, Rustproof Mental Grommets - 3D Aqua Circle Pattern, 72x72

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[John Kloehr]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

12 minutes ago, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

 

 

  ....... dazzle-ing ...... 🙃

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Renee Descartes decides to stop at a cafe one afternoon and sits at a small table. A waiter comes by soon after and Descartes orders an espresso. The waiter then asks if Descartes would like a croissant as well. Descartes pauses a moment to consider, then says, “I think not” and immediately vanishes in a puff of smoke.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Werner Heisenberg is driving to a conference with both Georg Ohm and Erwin Shroedinger as passengers. As they’re on their way, they get pulled over. The policeman comes to the window and syas to Heisenberg, “Did you know you were going 80 miles an hour?” Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and says. “Well, now I’m lost!” The cop then hears a bit of commotion in the trunk, and after opening it he sees a box which he opens. He then goes back to the window and says, “And did you know you have a dead cat in a box in your trunk?” to which Shroedinger says, “Well it is now”. Finally, having had enough, the cop begins to arrest the three men, but Ohm resisted.

[DeaconKC]

[Capt. R. Hugh Kidnme]

On 7/29/2024 at 6:44 PM, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

When I was a kid,I  had an old b/w wood console set in my bedroom. When the screen got like that, I'd slap the side til they re-oriented. Worked every time.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and starts playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok?" she says kindly. "Yes." he says. "You can go and play with the other kids you know." she says encouragingly. "It’s best I stay here." he says. "Why’s that sweetie?" asks the compassionate teacher. The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the Goalie.

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

[John Kloehr]

23 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

ICMEDBD iiiii

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Johnny Appleseed planted apple trees everywhere he went because he wanted to have hard cider everywhere.

Edited August 3 by Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984

[Black Angus McPherson]

1 hour ago, Sedalia Dave said:

 

My Dad's favorite:

 

FUNEX?

SVFX

FUNEM?

SVFM

OKILFMNX

 

[Alpo]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Alpo]

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

On 7/28/2024 at 12:22 PM, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

A number of years ago there was a newly ordained Catholic priest by the name of Father Conor O'Malley. 
Due to family connections, his first assignment is The Cathedral of the Most Holy Trinity located on Barronstrand Street in Waterford City, Ireland.
He finds it's a huge old cathedral with a 43 meter spire and 49 meters of balconies accross it's transepts and can seat over 1000 people during services.
Father O'Mally is assigned to the local Monsignor for training and familiarization with local customs and procedures. After about three months, he's finally ready to give his first Mass. 
He's nervous; but he completes the mass and then meets up with the Monsignor and asks "Monsignor, how did I do?" 
The Monsignor says "Father O'Malley, you did OK for your first Mass. You were obviously a little nervous. I've been doing this a long time, so here's a little advice. Before your next Mass, dring a little Whiskey. It'll calm you down and warm you up, and you'll be fine."
Unlike the stereotypical Irishman, Father O'Malley has never had a drink in his life so he doesn't know what a little Whisky is; but he figures that the guy at the liquor store is an expert. 
So he goes to the local liquor store and says "I need a little Whisky." The store clerk sets down a fifth of Tullamore Dew. As far as Father O'Malley is concerned, THAT is a little Whiskey. Before his next Mass, he drinks the whole bottle. When he's done, he again asks "Monsignor, how did I do?"
The Monsignor says: "Father O'Malley, if you are going to continue to say Mass at this Parish, we need to get a few things straight:
1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There were 12 Apostles, not 10.
3) You will not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late Great J.C.
4) Nor will you refer to the Trinity as Old Man, Junior, and the Spook.
5) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of Goliath.
6) Jesus Christ was crucified, not circumcised.
7) And finally, next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's"

I heard #4 was "Daddy O, Laddy-O and the Spook."  Either way it's still hilarious.....and it's older than either of us, maybe both of us together.  

 

Thanks.

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

55 minutes ago, Forty Rod SASS 3935 said:

I heard #4 was "Daddy O, Laddy-O and the Spook."  Either way it's still hilarious.....and it's older than either of us, maybe both of us together.  

 

Thanks.

The way I heard it was Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook. But that was the 70s.

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

The Company Commander called for the First Sergeant.

When he arrives the C O says:

“Top, just got word that Private Schmedlap’s mother died. Please inform him.”

“Got it, Sir.”

So the Company is assembled for the noon accountability check. Per usual, he makes a few announcements then:

“Private Schmedlap?”

“Here First Sergeant.”

“Your mom just croaked.”

Schmedlap completely falls apart and passes out. An ambulance is called and Schmedlap spends almost a week in the hospital getting back his senses.

The C O is pissed.

“Damn it, Top. The Battalion Commander is on fire about this. I’m going to send you to Tact School. Maybe they can teach you to handle things like this a bit more thoughtfully.”

So, Top spends a week at Tact School. Time passes. Then, one morning . . .

“Top”, the C O says, “Just got word that Private Schmedlap’s father died. You need to inform him and I hope to hell you do a better job this time.”

“No sweat, Sir, I got this.”

So at the noon formation, Top makes a few announcements then: “Alright, listen up. I want everyone whose father is still living to take two steps forward. Not you Schmedlap.”