It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Alpo]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

The UPS driver was on his way to a delivery in the farming section of eastern Pennsylvania. It was a cold and wet winter day and this would be his last run. He anticipated getting home and relaxing by his fireplace.

 

As he entered the last stretch of road before his delivery, the rain began to freeze on his windshield. It wasn't long before his wiper blades, worn out and ineffective, failed to keep up with the icy deposits. He was forced to stop at the side of the road.

 

While scraping the ice off the windshield he had an idea. A friend of his, caught in a similar dilemma, had told him of a unique solution to this very same problem. He stopped scraping the ice and went into the woods that lined both sides of the road.

 

Once there he began looking under large rocks until he found two rattlesnakes about twenty inches long. Because of the cold and the fact that they were hibernating they were quite stiff. But with reasonable effort tie was able to straighten them.

 

He returned to his truck and installed these two rattlesnakes in place of the blades that were defective. As a result, he was able to complete his duties and enjoy his fireplace all because of the wind chilled vipers.

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

9 hours ago, Alpo said:

 

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

46 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

The UPS driver was on his way to a delivery in the farming section of eastern Pennsylvania. It was a cold and wet winter day and this would be his last run. He anticipated getting home and relaxing by his fireplace.

 

As he entered the last stretch of road before his delivery, the rain began to freeze on his windshield. It wasn't long before his wiper blades, worn out and ineffective, failed to keep up with the icy deposits. He was forced to stop at the side of the road.

 

While scraping the ice off the windshield he had an idea. A friend of his, caught in a similar dilemma, had told him of a unique solution to this very same problem. He stopped scraping the ice and went into the woods that lined both sides of the road.

 

Once there he began looking under large rocks until he found two rattlesnakes about twenty inches long. Because of the cold and the fact that they were hibernating they were quite stiff. But with reasonable effort tie was able to straighten them.

 

He returned to his truck and installed these two rattlesnakes in place of the blades that were defective. As a result, he was able to complete his duties and enjoy his fireplace all because of the wind chilled vipers.

 

[John Kloehr]

55 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

The UPS driver was on his way to a delivery in the farming section of eastern Pennsylvania. It was a cold and wet winter day and this would be his last run. He anticipated getting home and relaxing by his fireplace.

 

As he entered the last stretch of road before his delivery, the rain began to freeze on his windshield. It wasn't long before his wiper blades, worn out and ineffective, failed to keep up with the icy deposits. He was forced to stop at the side of the road.

 

While scraping the ice off the windshield he had an idea. A friend of his, caught in a similar dilemma, had told him of a unique solution to this very same problem. He stopped scraping the ice and went into the woods that lined both sides of the road.

 

Once there he began looking under large rocks until he found two rattlesnakes about twenty inches long. Because of the cold and the fact that they were hibernating they were quite stiff. But with reasonable effort tie was able to straighten them.

 

He returned to his truck and installed these two rattlesnakes in place of the blades that were defective. As a result, he was able to complete his duties and enjoy his fireplace all because of the wind chilled vipers.

Have you ever considered a career in comedy? Stop it.

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

1 hour ago, John Kloehr said:

Have you ever considered a career in comedy? Stop it.

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

42 minutes ago, Alpo said:

 

    ......... and neither would I ......  🥰

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

That reminds me of the story of the man that was told by his HOA he had to build a fence to hide his garbage can.

 

 

 

That took a hell of a search. All the pictures I could find were legitimate fences to hide your trash can. Finally found that.

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Celtic are playing Lazio in Rome. Two Celtic supporters go into a bar. “What will you have?” Asks the barman. “Since we're in Rome we'll have whatever the Pope drinks.” “The Pope he drinks the Creme de Menthe” “OK, give us a couple of pints of that”.

So the barman pours them a couple of pints of Creme de Menthe and they chug them down.

“Wow, that's good stuff, we'll have another 2 pints.”

After downing another couple of pints each they stagger into the street and collapse. They miss the match and wake up at noon the next day with the thumping hangovers.

“That's what the Pope drinks?”

“No wonder they have to carry him around in a chair.”

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Sedalia Dave]

 

 

 

[Sedalia Dave]

 

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

 

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

Speaking of Ford trucks

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Two men are at the first tee on a golf course. The first takes out his golf ball and says “Slazenger”. The second man takes out his ball and says “Bleeper Two”. The first man says “I never heard of that before”. The second man says “It’s fantastic. If you hit it into the trees it automatically bleeps loudly so it’s easy to find. And if you hit it into the lake it has a little flotation collar and paddles that bring it back to the shore. And if it’s foggy there’s a little blue light that flashes so you can’t lose it” The second man says “That’s amazing! Where did you get it?” The first man says “I found it”.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy,

"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out,

"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister.

"That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are discussing their pregnancies. The brunette says, ‘I was on top so I reckon I'll have a boy ?’ The redhead says, ‘I was underneath so I reckon I'll have a girl ?’ At this point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two ask, ‘whatever's the matter ?’ Between sobs the blonde blurts out, ‘I think I'm having puppies !’

[Subdeacon Joe]

In Athens people have trouble getting up before sunrise.

Yeah....
Dawn is tough on Greece.  

[Alpo]

[Black Angus McPherson]

18 hours ago, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said:

 

 

 

That includes a five-minute block of commercials.

 

Angus

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

3 minutes ago, Black Angus McPherson said:

 

That includes a five-minute block of commercials.

 

Angus

 

 .... naturally ......  🙃

[Sedalia Dave]

3 hours ago, Black Angus McPherson said:

 

That includes a five-minute block of commercials.

 

Angus

 

3 hours ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 .... naturally ......  🙃

 

And 9 minutes of credits time compressed to play in the remaining 2 minutes

[John Kloehr]

A friend of mine told me a local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs.

 

My friend said he had been going to him for over ten years and never had a clue he was a dentist.

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde, all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"