It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Eyesa Horg]

1 minute ago, Alpo said:

It's incurable 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

49 minutes ago, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

Buster

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

As aspiring hunter bought himself a high-powered bear killin' rifle

with a high-powered scope on it and went up into the Great White North

hunting for bears.

After two weeks of sleeping on the ground with nary a hot meal, nor a

campfire to warm himself, the last day of his hunt had come. The poor

guy hadn't even seen any sign of a bear, much less a bear in the

flesh. As he begins his trek out of the wilderness, he sees a black

bear cub. Nearly soiling himself with excitement, he somehow manages

to get a shot off and kills the black bear cub at 300 yards. Whooping

with joy, he runs over to his kill.

As he stands there over the carcass of the bear cub, he feels a

presence behind him. He turns around and sees a very large black bear

breathing down his neck. The bear says to the hunter, "You know, we

bears all stick together. We have a code. Now, I'll give you two

choices: I can kill you now, or I can have my way with you. What's it

gonna be?"

The, uh, virgin hunter certainly doesn't want to be torn limb from

limb, so he opts for sodomy and, friends, that bear wore that hunter

out. So much so that the hunter spent two weeks in the hospital.

During his entire recovery, the hunter is bent on revenge. As soon as

he is able, he grabs his gun and goes after that black bear with blood

in his eye.

For two weeks he tracks down the black bear further and further north.

On the second day of the third week, he finally catches up to the big

black bear, draws down on him, and ends the life of his attacker.

The hunter runs over to the dead body of the black bear and spits on

it. As he murmurs to himself about how he finally got that no-good

black bear, he feels a presence behind him. As he turns, there's a

grizzly bear standing there, shaking his head. The gizzly says,

"Well, buddy, you know the code. What's it gonna be?"

Two months in the hospital. Our hunter now has taken on vengeance as

a reason to go on living. As soon as he can walk, he grabs his gun

and heads north.

For two months, our intrepid outdoorsman follows the movements of the

grizzly, without success. Halfway into the third month, he finally

finds that *(&%^ grizzly bear and pumps a half a dozen high-powered

rounds into his evil, evil hide.

With a half-crazed malevolent glare, he runs over to the corpse of the

grizzly cursing at the top of his lungs. As he draws his foot back to

begin kicking the dead bear, he feels a presence behind him.

A polar bear of record size is standing on his hind legs behind the

hunter. This huge animal is probably twelve feet at the shoulder, and

teeth that appear to be 6 inches long. The polar bear says to the

man, "You ain't here for the huntin' are you boy?"

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer b**bs, ya penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,

"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya f**king little w**kers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough. 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

On a submarine?

 

 

[Alpo]

[Cactus Jack Calder]

8 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

The … bear says to the man, "You ain't here for the huntin' are you boy?"

This reminds me of a joke my Dad used like.

 

A hunter went out in very rough country to harvest a bear. After spending most of the day searching in vain, the hunter was exhausted. Practically dragging his rifle the hunter crested a rise and came face to face with a huge bear. He was so startled that he turned about and ran due North. The bear was so startled that instead of pursuing the hunter he ran due West. The hunter realized that he was not being chased, stopped, raised his rifle and shot due South killing the bear.

 

What color was the bears fur?

 

CJ

[Cactus Jack Calder]

4 minutes ago, Cactus Jack Calder said:

 

What color was the bears fur?

 

 

White of course. The hunter and bear came face to face just a little south of the North Pole. The hunter ran North and stopped at the exact North Pole. From the North Pole every direction is South. Therefore, it was a Polar Bear the hunter shot, whose fur would be white. 
 

CJ

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Two mechanics at a USA airport are tasked with re-fueling a jet airplane.

As it’s a new type, they are provided instructions on properly doing so.

One admonition is ‘Don’t drink the jet fuel!’

Puzzled, they check the jet fuel. It smells like- whisky! Curious, they try a drop. It smells, tastes, is exactly like whisky! Heck, it IS whisky! So, they have a pint each, return to re-fueling the plane.

A few hours later, one of the men is at home. Suddenly, he feels a wind build-up in his intestines. Then, he gets a phone call from the other man. “Are you feeling like you have to pass gas?” he asks.

“Yeah” says the other man. “I guess now we know why not to drink that fuel!”

“Well” says the caller, “let it out real slow, I’m calling from Australia!”

[DeaconKC]

20 hours ago, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

Um Wile E. Coyote?

[Subdeacon Joe]

I heard a good one earlier today, "Nuttier than a squirrel turd."

No....
It wasn't directed at me! 

[Texas Joker]

1 hour ago, DeaconKC said:

Um Wile E. Coyote?

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[John Kloehr]

44 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said:

This is why we need a boo-hiss emoji. For posts so bad, they are good.

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

 

 

 

 

[Sedalia Dave]

Good thing his co-workers weren't armed.

 

 

 

[Alpo]

The like was for your comment, not for the idiot pulling the prank.