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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread


Subdeacon Joe

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A psychiatrist has twin boys, one an optimist and the other a pessimist. He wanted to know how far these personality traits would go, so on Christmas morning, he filled up the pessimist’s room with toys. Then, he filled up the optimist’s room with manure.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read… I need batteries… and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.

The optimist shouted, “Daddy, with all this s***, there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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6 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

Why don’t women fart more often?

 

 

They don’t stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

 

 

    ............ Ooooooooh!  yer gonna get it fer that .......  :o

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7 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

Why don’t women fart more often?

 

 

They don’t stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

And that is how the gunfight started. At the beep engage the ...

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2 hours ago, Ozark Huckleberry said:

 

My guess is that's not a turkey leg. Too long, and too thick for a bird.

 

More likely a ham bone.

I thought that the bone looked wrong for the meme, but I didn't make the meme so I posted it anyway because it was funny.

 

Hambone10-02-16.thumb.jpg.30f5c197d2ca1df3dea33dff59ffd5eb.jpg

 

I think you're probably right about it being a hambone. But it would not work with my dog. As you can see, she would not carry the bone around. She would eat it. When she stops with a ham bone there's a piece about 2 inches long with no marrow in it.

Hambone210-02-16.thumb.jpg.e7c4c837b556f694f4061882f8828c2c.jpg

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Four guys are driving cross-country: one is from Maine, one is from Vermont, one from New Hampshire, and one from Massachusetts. 

A while down the road, the man from Maine starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throw them out the window. The man from New Hampshire turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The man from Maine says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things laying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them."

A few miles down the road, the man from Vermont begins pulling bottles of maple syrup from his bag and proceeds to throw them out the window. The man from New Hampshire asks, "What are you doing that for?"

The man from Vermont replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Vermont, and I'm sick of looking at them."

Inspired by the others, the man from New Hampshire opens the car door and pushes the man from Massachusetts out. 

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The bad day is when you are looking right at what you were looking for, but you forgot what it was you were looking for, so you ignore the thing you're looking at.

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A police officer was driving down the road and he saw a man driving along with penguins in the back seat. So he pulled the guy over and told him that he couldn’t have the penguins there and would have to bring them to the zoo. He said okay and drove off. The next day the police officer saw the same man driving along with the penguins in the back seat but today the penguins were wearing sunglasses. So he pulled the guy over again and said to the man ‘sir I told you yesterday that you would have to bring the penguins to the zoo. The man said ‘ I did officer but today I’m taking them to the beach.

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Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn't get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.

Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.

One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.

He found and entered the old woman's hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.

She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer "la lima" or "lime," the source of the salsa's tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.

From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: "Because you're Mayan, I'll wok the lime!"

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When John Wayne informed Bruce Dern that Dern's character would shoot Wayne's in "The Cowboys" (1972), he told Dern that audiences would hate him for it. Dern responded by saying, "Yeah, but they'll sure love me in Berkeley." Shortly after the film's release, Dern received death threats for his character shooting Wayne in the back.

"I remember the day I shot John Wayne in 'The Cowboys.' He had never had a bullet hit put on him. Never! And he leaned into me and said, 'Is this gonna hurt?' And I said, 'Absolutely it’s gonna hurt! You should get one of those big USC Marching Band Roman shields that you put on the front of you, ’cause they’re gonna blow a hole in your chest!' And he knew that, but he’d never had it done. Mark Rydell was the director, and we decided that the only way the scene could really work for an audience is if Wayne was surprised. So unbeknownst to him, we put a bullet hit in the back of his jacket. And I shot him in the back the first shot. And he did not know that was gonna happen. He played it like a pro, went all the way through it and everything, got up, and told Mark Rydell and I we were both pr!cks." 

"(Wayne) was just great to me. He did something to me that was the most welcoming, inviting thing in my career. He said to me on the first day, 'I want you to do me a favor.' I said, 'Yessir?' He said, 'I want you to pick on me all day, every day, and be absolutely careless with your attitude toward me, so that these little kids that are scared sh!tless of me, if you can treat me like that, then what might you do to them?' And it worked! And had he not given me that blessing, so to speak, I’d have backed off a lot. But I didn’t." (IMDb/AV Club)

Happy Birthday, Bruce Dern!

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2 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn't get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.

Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.

One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.

He found and entered the old woman's hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.

She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer "la lima" or "lime," the source of the salsa's tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.

From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: "Because you're Mayan, I'll wok the lime!"

Long walk. Short pier.

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