It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Equanimous Phil]

2 hours ago, Alpo said:

Organic bug removal. That's the ticket.

And the beer traps works very well in our garden!

Not so confident about the mosquito trap, yet... 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Texas Joker]

8 hours ago, Rip Snorter said:

Well, without fertilizers, herbicides, and insecticides, a whole lot of the World Population would be going to bed hungry or worse, gradually starving.  

8 hours ago, Rip Snorter said:

Well, without fertilizers, herbicides, and insecticides, a whole lot of the World Population would be going to bed hungry or worse, gradually starving.  

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[John Kloehr]

Many years ago, Mr. McDonald ran a dairy farm and the cows got milked daily. He had so many cows, he could not keep track of them all. Part of the need for tracking was to measure the amount of milk each cow produced.

 

He contacted the Electronics Information Exchange consortium for assistance and engineers developed an Input/Output interface to measure, record, and track his cows and milk production.

 

This was a first of its kind installation, and several patents were issued for the system. Indeed, the Old McDonald Farm interface was the very first EIE I/O.

Edited May 22 by John Kloehr

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Alpo]

[Ozark Huckleberry]

6 hours ago, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said:

  

 

And intelligent voting might be a bit beyond your skill level, too.

[Alpo]

 

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A mommy mole, a daddy mole and a baby mole are all sleeping soundly in their little mole hole.

Daddy mole wakes up and sticks his head out of the hole and takes a deep whiff of the air. “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!” Says daddy mole.

Mommy mole squeezes up next to daddy mole and sticks her head out, taking a deep whiff and says “Mmmm, I smell waffles!”

Baby mole tries to squeeze their head out of the hole but can't due to mommy and daddy taking up all of the space. To which baby mole replies “Wow, the only thing I smell is molasses”

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American Samoan, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentinian, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bengali, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bermudan, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Botswanan, a Brazilian, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cape Verdean, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Caymanian, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comorian, a Congolese, a Cook Islander, a Costa Rican, an Ivorian, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czechlander, a Danish, a Djiboutian, a Dominican, a Timorese, an Ecuadorian, an Egyptian, a Salvadoran, an Equatoguinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinean, a Bissau-Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinan, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irish person, an Israeli, an Italian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakh, a Kenyan, an I-Kiribati, a Kittitian, a Korean, a Kosovar, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Basotho, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourder, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivian, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Montenegrin, a Moroccan, a Mozambican, a Burmese, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepali, a Nevisian, a Dutch, a New Zealean, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerien, a Nigerian, a Niuean, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papuan, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Filipino, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Puerto Rican, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Saint Vincentian, a Samoan, a Sammarinese, a São Toméan, a Saudi Arabian, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovak, a Slovene, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Sudanese, a Sudanese, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tokelauan, a Tongan, a Trinidadian and a Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Turkmen, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, an Englishman, an Englishwoman, a Welshman and a Welshwoman, an American, a Uruguayan, an Uzbek, a Ni-Vanuatu, a Vaticanian, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Yemeni, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all walk into a fancy restaurant.

The maître d' says, “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

https://unofficialnetworks.com/2024/05/17/national-parks-service-hilarious-psa-in-response-to-tourist-animal-encounters/

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A moth goes into a podiatrist office. The podiatrist is a little surprised, but he tells the moth to lie on the couch.

“ so tell me what the problem is” The podiatrist says.

The moth replies : “ I feel that life is passing me by. I wake up in the morning and there’s an old lady moth lying there where once they used to be a young one. My wings are tired all the time, my kids are giving me hell showing no respect. I feel like I’m trapped in a web suspended over the eternal flames of hell.”

“ My goodness” Says the podiatrist” You seem to be in a terrible mental state. You need a psychiatrist not a podiatrist. Why did you come to me?

The moth replies

“ I had to. Your light was on.”

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

It said this is an example of British humour….

 

A man was invited by a friend to stop by Friday evening for dinner, the wife was preparing a really good pot roast.

He eagerly accepted the invitation, and on Friday evening as he was walking the last few blocks to join the dinner party, he was confounded to see the street blocked by fire trucks and hoses, and indeed it was his host’s house completely enveloped in flames as the firemen tried fruitlessly to put out the fire.

He saw his host standing in the street, watching with total consternation as his house burned to the ground. He went to him, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Ummm… you did say tonight, didn’t you?”

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

10 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

A moth goes into a podiatrist office. The podiatrist is a little surprised, but he tells the moth to lie on the couch.

“ so tell me what the problem is” The podiatrist says.

The moth replies : “ I feel that life is passing me by. I wake up in the morning and there’s an old lady moth lying there where once they used to be a young one. My wings are tired all the time, my kids are giving me hell showing no respect. I feel like I’m trapped in a web suspended over the eternal flames of hell.”

“ My goodness” Says the podiatrist” You seem to be in a terrible mental state. You need a psychiatrist not a podiatrist. Why did you come to me?

The moth replies

“ I had to. Your light was on.”

 

 

[Cactus Jack Calder]

10 hours ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

It said this is an example of British humour….

My Father told me. “Never tell an Englishman a joke on Saturday as he will laugh in Church on Sunday.”

 

 

CJ

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.

It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.

So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”

She thought this was a great idea.

When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

There was no response.

She moved 10 feet closer.

Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

No response.

She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.

She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”

Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A travelling faith healer called at a small mid Western town, erected his marquee in a field and handed out flyers in the town square.

"Come to my meeting on Wednesday in the marquee. Bring your ailments and I will heal them with the power of my faith!"

That evening a motley crowd of locals turned up at his tent, more out of morbid interest than anything.

The faith healer began his spiel.

"Ladies and gentlemen, believers all, is there anybody here who has an affliction that needs healing? If so, please make your way forward."

Only two of the congregation made their way forward. The first was a man with no visible ailments.

"Sir, tell me now, what is your name and what ails you?"

"I'm B-b-bob. I've b-b-been a st-st-stutterer all m-my l-l-l-life. I c-cain't hardly t-t-talk."

"Bob, if you truly believe, I can banish that dreadful stammer for you. I'll just lay my hands upon your forehead ... here ... can you not feeling the enormous power of my faith?"

"Bob, please step behind this curtain, while I meet my next believer. I'll come back to you shortly."

The second man made his way to the front, hobbling along on crutches.

"Sir, what is your name and how can I help you?"

"I'm Jack. Ma legs hurt like hell and I cain't hardly walk."

"Well Jack, I can see that you need my help. With the power of my faith I can heal your lameness. I'll just lay my hands upon your forehead ... here ... can you not feeling the enormous power of my faith?"

"Now, Jack, kindly step behind the curtain..."

"Now ladies and gentlemen, I need you to repeat after me my mantra ... Through the Power of My Faith and the Laying on of Hands, Heal These Poor Men of Their Afflictions!"

The audience began repeating his words, quietly and haltingly at first, but gradually the chant gained momentum. After two minutes of chanting, the faith healer called for silence.

"Now for the moment of truth. Jack, throw your crutches over the curtain, for you need them no longer!" After a few seconds, Jack's crutches flew over the curtain and crashed to the floor. The congregation cheered wildly.

"Now, Bob, your stammer is cured and will no longer plague you! Speak to us in your new confident voice!"

There was a long delay, before Bob's voice was heard from behind the curtain.

"J-j-jack f-f-f-fell over."

[Subdeacon Joe]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C69g7mFvglo/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6l4ggsM5q-/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Spiders can also have arachnophobia.

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Alpo]