It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Why does a woman in leather seem so erotic?

 

 

She smells like a new truck.

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Alpo]

Wife sends a text to her husband.

 

"Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you."

 

Husband: Who is Valerie?

Wife: Nobody , I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.

Husband: But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?

Wife: What??! Where are you?

Husband: Near the bakery.

Wife: Wait, I'm coming right now!

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

Wife: I'm at the bakery, where are you?

Husband: I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, buy the bread!

[Subdeacon Joe]

"You look just like me getting out of there!"

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5iRCQyoJes/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

[Alpo]

I was thinking the same thing. Reaching down with that hind leg, trying to find the damn step, because depth perception has gone away with old age.

[Subdeacon Joe]

Oops

Edited May 7, 2024 by Subdeacon Joe

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

N.H. State motto, LIVE FREE OR DIE. is iconic, appearing on all license plates except ambulances and hearses.

 

 

Edited May 8, 2024 by Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984

[Alpo]

[Blackwater 53393]

56 minutes ago, Alpo said:

What them yankees don’t understand is that the skeeters down here have “N” numbers and landing lights and they run on JP4!!

 

Those bug sprays ain’t nothin’ but startin’ fluid for southern skeeters!!

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

1 hour ago, Blackwater 53393 said:

What them yankees don’t understand is that the skeeters down here have “N” numbers and landing lights and they run on JP4!!

 

Those bug sprays ain’t nothin’ but startin’ fluid for southern skeeters!!

You ought to see what they have over in Okinawa. The skeeters over there line up at the top of your blanket and pull it off of you to get at you. 

If you stomp on the cockroaches over there, they just look up at you like "WHAT!?!?" 

[Blackwater 53393]

First liar ain’t got a chance!

 

These southern skeeters just stab through the blanket, have a big ol’ drink, and use the blanket fer a napkin!!

 

We use cockroaches for alligator control!! 

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

 

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

The New York Museum of Modern art once opened an exhibition of the works of Henri Matisse. During 47 days, neither the staff workers nor the visitors noticed that one of the paintings was hung upside down.

[DeaconKC]

Okay, here's a great smile for today! Guy who was hired to paint over Hamas graffiti just painted right over the protesters who stood in his way.

https://redstate.com/bonchie/2024/05/08/watch-a-painter-teaches-pro-hamas-students-a-hilariuos-and-valuable-lesson-cleaning-up-their-vandalism-n2173905

[Alpo]

I wonder why it is that they all happen to have a protective face mask? Like they were expecting to get sprayed in the face.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A man established a zoo and made the entrance fee $300 but no one went there. He reduced it to $200 but still no one came.

He then reduced the fee to 10$ but still people didn't come.

Finally, he made it FREE entrance and soon, the zoo was filled with people. Then he quietly locked the gate of the zoo, set the lions free and made the exit fee $500 and everyone paid.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Russian election result:  Putin overwhelmingly re-elected to a fifth term

[Buckshot Bob]

17 hours ago, Alpo said:

The worst mosquitoes I’ve run into were in Canada, along with black flies . Only reason I can figure they are so vicious is because they have less time to do business than in warmer climates 

[DeaconKC]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A 6-year-old little girl comes to a pet shop and asks in a childish voice:

- Good mowning sir, do you sell wittle wabbits?

- Why, of course, my princess! What color would like the rabbit? Black or white?

- Actuwally, my python doesn’t give a f..k what color his dinner is.

 

 

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A magician worked on a cruise ship and the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

Then one stormy night in the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… and then 2 days and then 3 days…

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer: “OK, I give up. Where’s the ******** ship?”

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]