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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

Subdeacon Joe

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A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.

So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

  • 1) it had never been occupied
  • 2) that there was plenty of heat
  • 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

  1. Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
  2. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
  3. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
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Yep!   It’s the very calm, peace loving, tolerant individual.  

Or maybe not. 

Sam Sackett 

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3 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:


That would make a good song...

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A woman called the florist shop to complain.

She had just sent flowers to her daughter who had relocated her business because it was booming and needed to expand.

"I ordered these flowers for her," the woman said, "and what you delivered had on the card 'Our Deepest Sympathy.' What do you have to say?"

There was complete silence.

"Well???" she asked again.

"Sorry," the florist replied, "I was just thinking of the flowers we sent to the funeral home with the tag 'Best of Luck In Your New Location.'"

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

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A guy is staggering in the heat of the southwest desert in the 19th century. He stumbles into a small town and a man asks him “why don’t you buy a horse?” The guy says “I don’t have much money”. So the local man introduces him to a horse seller and asks if he has any affordable horses. The seller says “Well, I have one for $20 and another for $10…The guy says “What’s the difference?” and the seller says, “Well, a preacher man had this horse, and he just died so his wife asked me to sell it. It’s a good horse; it just responds to unusual commands is all.” So the guy says, “OK, I’ll take the cheaper one!” He pays the money, gets on the horse and says “Giddyup!” The horse doesn’t move, so the seller says, “No, no! If you want it go, you say ‘Oh, Lord’ and when you want it stop, you say ‘Amen.” “Oh, OK!” The guys nudges the horse with his knees and says, “Oh, Lord”, and the horse takes off at a dead run. The guy sees a cliff looming ahead, and he screams in panic: “Whoa! Whoa! STOP!” but the horse keeps running. At the last second, the guy remembers and screams “Amen!!!” The horse stops at the very edge of the cliff, and the guy wipes his brow and says, “ WHEW, OH LORD!”

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.‘

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Huh. I guess things change. I have not D&Dd since around the mid-80s.


Looking at that list I see all sorts of classes I never heard of. But I don't see an illusionist or a thief. Now I suppose they took a magic user and split him up into a warlock and a wizard and a sorcerer, but magic users actually did magic. Illusionist just made you think they did.


And how in the hell can you go through a dungeon without a thief?

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On 2/28/2024 at 8:56 PM, Subdeacon Joe said:


Same as it ever was.......

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