It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

33 minutes ago, Alpo said:

We used to say that the difference between a fairy tale and a Marine's Sea stories was that the fairy tale starts with, "Once upon a time.." and a Marine's Sea story starts with, "Now this is no $hit.."

Edited February 18, 2024 by Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770

[Subdeacon Joe]

3 hours ago, John Kloehr said:

Wow, these sentences almost write themselves, in a semi-automatic way

 

Is that full semi-auto?

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

It's joke OK?

[Sedalia Dave]

11 hours ago, Ozark Huckleberry said:

 

Given the shorter-looking snout with the upturn on the end, I'd guess it was a caiman.

 

Florida has those too.

[Sedalia Dave]

10 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

Do not say, "No, those shorts don't make you look fat... your fat makes you look fat."

 

That sort of comes from SHMBO. I had made the comment, "I'm glad you don't play those games " after hearing That Question on a TV show. She said, "I don't need to.  I know my clothes don't make me look fat, my fat makes me look fat." She had also quipped at the grocery store, when the checker asked if I wanted a bag, "He doesn't need one, I'm right here "

 

You sir are a lucky man.

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

2 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:

 

You sir are a lucky man.

 

That I am!

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Subdeacon Joe]

2 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:

 

Who was that guy?  

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

 

 

 

[Sedalia Dave]

3 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:

 

1 hour ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

Who was that guy?  

 

The Man Who Panned the Beatles

 

Edited February 19, 2024 by Sedalia Dave

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope will also be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wants to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

The Pope immediately turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to intercourse that ends in 'k'?"

Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels uncomfortable. "My goodness," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a while, then it hits him, and he says, "I think the word you're looking for is 'talk'."

"Of course," replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

[Subdeacon Joe]

Sobieski: Hey, want to hear a joke?

Kara Mustafa: Yeah, of course!

Sobieski: Vienna.

Mustafa: What? I don't get it...

Sobieski: Exactly.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

55 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

Sobieski: Hey, want to hear a joke?

Kara Mustafa: Yeah, of course!

Sobieski: Vienna.

Mustafa: What? I don't get it...

Sobieski: Exactly.

Hahaha!

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

 

 

 

 

 

[Alpo]

As long as we're talking about cars.

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Not everyone is buried six feet deep. Lawyers, for instance, are buried at twice that depth, twelve feet. Why? Because deep down, they’re good people.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Russian joke…

 

What are the most well-known jokes about Russians?

A Russian businessman acquires a novelty for his company - a robot secretary with the appearance of Scarlet Johansson, typing at a speed of 500 characters per minute, speaking 8 foreign languages and possessing encyclopaedic knowledge. Naturally, he invites a friend over to brag:

- Look, Kolyan, what a cool chick, she can do everything!

- Yes, Vovan, that's great! Listen, maybe I should buy one of those too? Let me give her some feedback, like a test.

- No problem! Vovan leaves the office. Suddenly, a few minutes later, horrible screams come from there. Vovan clutches his head:

- Oh, crap, I forgot to warn him that she has a pencil sharpener in her mouth!

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

So a man goes to eat at a fancy restaurant. He's never been there before and is excited for a nice meal. The very first thing he does when he sits down is accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To his surprise a waiter promptly picks up the dirty spoon and gives him a clean one right out of his shirt pocket.

"Wow, you guys all carry spoons in your pocket?" he asked.

"Well sure." the waiter replies. "We had an efficiency consultant in last week and he told us we could increase over all productivity by 3.5% by carrying fresh spoons in our pockets so now we all do it."

"Wow that's impressive," the man says. "By the way, I should let you know that you have a piece of string hanging out of your fly."

"Oh we all do!" the waiter says. "The consultant said we were wasting a lot of time washing our hands so he told us to tie this piece of string to ourselves. So when I need to go, I just use the string. Since I never actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands!"

"I see." Says the man. "So how do you get your penis back into your pants?" he asks.

"Well. I don't know abut these these other guys, but I use the spoon."

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A soldier was at a lecture hall, listening to a celebratory speech given by the general. He was getting more and more bored.

The soldier turned to the woman beside him and asked “How long is that old windbag going to go on?”

The woman replied “Young man, do you know who I am? I am the wife of that ‘old windbag’!”

The soldier replied “And you, ma’am, do you know who I am?”

“No”, replied the general’s wife.

“Oh, thank heavens”, replied the soldier and left the hall post haste.