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The Aussie Humour Thread


Buckshot Bear
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4 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:

Useless information unless you come for a visit -

 

Australians don't tip (per se), we're not tight arses, its just not part of our culture.

Do you even lean at all?

 

 

:P

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2 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:

fdb233c3a1cf43544b571721a54c79d5.jpeg.31d65831ac1e75f8ba9af7ee7043e4fb.jpeg

 

 

Rednecks have been doing that in the states as well.

 

These guys are using a 4 wheeler instead of a truck

 

 

 

 

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Bruce went to Bondi Beach.
He had the eski next to him, and had a great time watching the sheilas in their bikinis, but after two six packs of VB he fell asleep for several hours in the midday sun and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his burned legs.

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After retiring, Bruce went to the Social Security office to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet in the pub when he as having a few beers with some mates.

He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So he opened his shirt revealing the curly silver hair on his chest.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed the pension application.

When Bruce got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

Sheila said, 'You should have dropped your pants instead. You might have gotten a disability pension too.'

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On 9/28/2021 at 5:31 AM, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 

24cb44b8e8cd093bedeeadb766badd47.jpg.925b9a213f36f1e9f5bccb0fb64ad94d.jpg

 

 ...... actually, me place is right near the coast, about in line with the middle of the "...... politicians" and between the sharks

 

 

sooo, where on this map are the drop bears?

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On 9/29/2021 at 9:44 AM, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said:

image.png.38858fc0d71249d2552d5d46ee12e70b.png

we need a gator hitching post at the FL state match... and some gator wagons... Good on ya Ozzies for coming up with this one :wub:

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On 9/30/2021 at 4:48 AM, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Do you even lean at all?

 

 

:P

it's hard when you're hanging upside down holding on with your toes...

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Saturday morning Bruce got up early to go for his weekly fishing trip.
He was moving quietly so he would not wake his missus, got dressed, filled the esky with beer, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked up the boat up to the ute , and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be lousy all day.

Bruce went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his missus' back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." Sheila replied, "Hmm come closer, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

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It is with some trepidation that I make the following comments as some folks might take umbrage.  However, I have heard from some Americans that Vegamite can be best described asa hair restorer, acne treatment, cess pool disinfectant, varnish remover, breakfast food, and cure as a salve for monkey butt.    That being said, I did have a period wherein I was with Aussies "diggers" in VN and I can assure you that while all of what was previously said might be true, I found it to be exactly the item we should, in measured amounts, issue to the US soldiers in their rations.
It seem to instill in those stout troops a certain attitude and sense of "git er done" that I have not seem in many US units.  I guess, having that as
a breakfast spread can make you believe that you have met the meanest challenge of the day so nothing could possibly intimidate you during the rest of the day.  I do believe that I would be absolutely filled with comfort allowing my backside to be guarded with ANY Aussie trooper.  They were
absolutely tops.  Vegemite works.

 

STL Suomi

 

(And I liked their biscuits in the afternoon - Yum)

 

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7 minutes ago, St. Louis Suomi SASS #31905 said:

 I do believe that I would be absolutely filled with comfort allowing my backside to be guarded with ANY Aussie trooper.  They were
absolutely tops.  Vegemite works.

 

STL Suomi

 

 

 

 

Australians in Action - Vietnam War

 

 

 

 

@St Louis Suomi #31905

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"A light lunch of dry biscuits and spreads (margarine, vegemite, cheese, jam) was provided with the intention that this could be stowed in the pocket, and thus obviate the opening of the field pack for the midday meal".,

 

https://vietnam.unsw.adfa.edu.au/keeping-the-troops-in-the-field-part-1-rations/

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On 9/28/2021 at 6:20 AM, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

image.jpeg.39e44a891047e74133cb904434be33ef.jpeg

I got it! :P

pg-ages-koalas.jpg.a9daad4ba49d696b1eab6eebeacab4c0.jpg

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On 9/28/2021 at 7:53 PM, Alpo said:

That's what DuckDuckGo says - mosquitoes.

 

Can't help you with the German guy.

 

On 9/28/2021 at 6:37 PM, Cheyenne Ranger, 48747L said:

 

Need help understanding:

 

Some German Guy??

 

Mozzies the size of Cars??

 

 

 

I think that refers to this German Guy

 

Roman Heinze jailed for at least 17 years for attack on backpackers in South Australia

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On the map, just above the KIN in frickin, it says backpacker murders. That appears to be in the North. Or maybe not, since Oz is upside down. Maybe down there North is on the bottom of a map and South is on the top?

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Now normally, I would say that picture was a hoax. You have the head and the tail and the backbone of a reptile, and the body of a mammal. Impossibility.

 

And then I recall the platypus. And I realize that nothing about Australian wildlife IS impossible.

 

Probably the Wizard had something to do with it. Or maybe one of the bad witches.

Edited by Alpo
otto, how about letting me get just one without you screwing it up
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19 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 ..... just how WILD do you think we are ???

 

 

About as wild as a WCTU meeting.

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2 hours ago, Alpo said:

Now normally, I would say that picture was a hoax. You have the head and the tail and the backbone of a reptile, and the body of a mammal. Impossibility.

 

And then I recall the platypus. And I realize that nothing about Australian wildlife IS impossible.

 

Probably the Wizard had something to do with it. Or maybe one of the bad witches.

 

Alpo if you mean the above photo, its a python eating a Ring Tail Possum.

 

They'll even get a kangaroo down them, this one is eating a Wallaby sorry @Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 :( 

 

https___s3-images.ladbible.com_s3_content_7d68e5f8585248f6ef63bc6c9c0f8fee.webp.0dfe4daae74d6d440231ee56aff8cf3d.webp

 

49e5f72e2497c6ad8ba80c15d0a5aea3.thumb.jpg.1dd1d4e45a584d6bb37d1bec3582def4.jpg

 

 

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