It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Sedalia Dave]

Last night on my evening walk, I completely lost my mind because ahead of me was a white rabbit sitting upright, waiting for me on my path. I could not believe it.

I took out my phone to take its photo. It didn't move, I wondered if it was an early Easter decoration, but it was too far down on the road and not in front of a home.

 

 

I thought - - it's frightened so it's staying still, take it slow. I walked up to it little by little, carefully, so as not to frighten it. Friends, I just spent a very slow ten minutes walking up to a plastic bag of dog poop.

.

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8FVUqHOYql/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

That must have been a bitch to write.

[Michigan Slim]

1 hour ago, Alpo said:

That must have been a bitch to write.

It was to read!

[Eyesa Horg]

Can ya imagine the conversation they had!

[John Kloehr]

Cute, have to admit I was whelmed by it.

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

* Clarification: I'd post some real doozies from our Parliamentarians, but 99% of my USA Pards would never understand them. The only exception being our Dear Leader! 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

23 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

I am whelmed.

[Alpo]

[DeaconKC]

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

"Venus is hot" works with mythology and astronomy.

[John Kloehr]

19 hours ago, Alpo said:

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

I was airborne in the army. I was training some new troops and one had a bad studder. S-s-s-sergeant. W-w-what n-n-number do I c-c-count to b-b-before I p-p-pull the c-c-cord? Private, you count to 1.

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A blue whale's fart bubble is large enough to hold a horse.

[Blackwater 53393]

17 minutes ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

A blue whale's fart bubble is large enough to hold a horse.

Talk about your bit of useless knowledge!!

 

But that’s funny! I don’t care what anyone else thinks!! 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

about Calvin Coolidge…
 

Both his dry Yankee wit and his frugality with words became legendary. His wife, Grace Goodhue Coolidge, recounted that a young woman sitting next to Coolidge at a dinner party confided to him she had bet she could get at least three words of conversation from him. Without looking at her he quietly retorted, “You lose.”

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

1 hour ago, Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 said:

about Calvin Coolidge…
 

Both his dry Yankee wit and his frugality with words became legendary. His wife, Grace Goodhue Coolidge, recounted that a young woman sitting next to Coolidge at a dinner party confided to him she had bet she could get at least three words of conversation from him. Without looking at her he quietly retorted, “You lose.”

When asked why he chose not to run for reelection, he is reported to have said, "No chance for advancement."

[Subdeacon Joe]

When archeologists bring dessert:

 

 

 

Be sure to pay attention to the  conducktor 

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

During one of Reagan’s visits to the UK, Ron and Her Majesty were in Hyde Park, London, in a formal carriage pulled by 6 matching white horses. Very formal, very regal, very grand. The guards on horseback, marching soldiers in full regalia - the whole 9 yards.

One of the 2 rear horses suddenly lets out a ghastly green fart - the vapors overwhelming the carriage driver, and the soldiers nearby, and of course Liz and Ron. After they recover, and realizing just how extraordinarily bad this was, the Queen just had to say something. So she said “You know, Mr President, there are things even the Queen of England cannot control!”.

He responded, “Ma’am, until you said something, I thought that was one of the horses…”