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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread


Subdeacon Joe

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And, then God created Virginia...(Even non-Virginians should love this one.)

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, the ocean and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

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Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

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A guy gets an iPad and decides to ask Siri: 
“Siri, check my bank account to see what Apple product I can buy.”

Siri checks and thinks and checks and thinks and checks and thinks then replies…

“There are two choices that you can buy with your balance…

 


 

applejuice or applesauce.

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An elderly couple returns to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a stunning, tall, and busty blonde.

main-qimg-cedf8870e6419d0e0518e41fd16f9635

"I thought you said you’d hold that car until we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 with that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I say? She had the cash ready, and just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then, the young woman approached the elderly couple and handed them the keys.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I’d get the jerk to lower the price. See you later, grandpa."

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"

The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

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A drunk goes into a fish and chip shop. He sways and ask for “cod and chips please”. The man behind the counter replies “I’m sorry sir we don't have any cod”. The drunk sways and asks again “cod and chips please”. Once again The man behind the counter replies “I’m sorry sir we don't have any cod”. The drunk sways and asks again “cod and chips please”. This time The man behind the counter replies “I’m sorry sir we don't have any C O F D cod”. The drunk sways and says “There’s no F in cod”. The man behind the counter replies “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you”.

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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh

... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started

adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted...........

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image.jpeg.bb4901d1a7445b46ce75302942a9137e.jpeg

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That reminds me of the story I heard when I was in elementary school.

 

Mama was trying to get some ketchup out of the bottle. Back when they were glass and you couldn't squeeze them, and you would hold them upside down and pound on the bottom of them to try to get the ketchup out.

 

And the doorbell rings and the preacher asked if the boy's mama was home and the boy told him she was out in the kitchen belting the bottle.

 

That preacher fainted too.

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@Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984

 

What with you being a Territorial Governor, I just want to give you a shoutout and thanks for clarifying the line for acceptable content on this forum.

 

The line is a bit further than I thought.

 

Still not sure I can tell a different ketchup bottle story, as it is a bit beyond the line you drew.

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Mr Smith who is 95 goes to the doctor for his annual check up. The doctor suggests that he get exercise. He tells the doctor that he likes to play golf. But because of his eyes, he can no longer see where he hits the ball. The doctor suggests he get in touch with Mr. Jones who is also 95. He tells him, “ Mr. Jones has the eyes of an eagle. He can see for miles and miles.” So Mr. Smith gets in touch with Mr. Jones and makes an appointment to play golf. When they get to the golf course, Mr. Smith gets up to the tee and asks Mr. Jones if he will watch the ball to see where it goes. He asks “ Are you sure you can see where I will hit my ball?” Mr. Jones replies, “Of course I can see where you hit the ball. I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles.” Mr Smith hits the ball. He asks Mr. Jones if he saw where he hit the ball. Mr. Jones says, “Of course I saw where you hit the ball. I told you I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles. Mr. Smith then asks, “ Where is my golf ball? Mr. Jones replies, “I forgot.”

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12 hours ago, Alpo said:

humor Kermit.jpg


OR!!  

 

COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT!!

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A guy has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day a plane spots him and they send a boat to rescue him. The boat pulls into the cove, the guy hops on board, and the boat heads back out to see.

On the way out of the cove, the captain says to the guy, “Hey, I see three buildings near the beach. Why three buildings? What are they for?”

The guy says, “Well, the one in the center is my home.”

The captain then says, “Well, what about the building on the right?”

The guy says, “That’s my church.”

The captain replies again, “Well, what about the building on the left?”

The guy says, “Oh, that’s the church I used to go to.”

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