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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread


Subdeacon Joe

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54 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

I need to see if I can extract the audio to use for a ringtone.

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7jzo9cuUg3/?igsh=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

The last one before it shut me off - the girl with the heavy Charo accent taking her citizenship test. I thought I was going to laugh myself to death.

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2 minutes ago, Alpo said:

The last one before it shut me off - the girl with the heavy Charo accent taking her citizenship test. I thought I was going to laugh myself to death.

 

You really need to start copying the link and pasting it here.  Usually when we go to the original link and try to find what you are talking about all the stuff has reshuffled.

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14 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

I need to see if I can extract the audio to use for a ringtone.

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7jzo9cuUg3/?igsh=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

Why do I have to sign in or join anydamnthing just to  listen to  10 second clip?
 

There is practically nothing I want to listen to thta doesn't come to me from anyone but family, friends, and my doctors

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main-qimg-3efc354694d119b7accba8d770ac8171

Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Mary, Micks a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.Meanwhile, I'll be making dinner.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Mick took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mummy, Mummy, Micks got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Mary,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Mick took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mummy, mummy, Mick took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Micks a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you..'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Mick took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mummy, mummy, Micks got a foot and a half!'

Her Mummy said, 'You stay here and stir the gravy and I will go up!

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Little boy is standing in his front yard with a lawn mower with a for sale sign on it . About that time a preacher comes riding by on a bicycle , see’s the mower and thinks we do need a lawn mower back at the parish so he turns around and asked how much the boy wanted for the mower . The boy said i don’t really know , I’m just trying to get enough money for a bicycle . Preacher thinks trade and asks the boy if he wants to trade . Little boy says sure , Preacher gets off the bike and boy gets on it and rides off. Preacher starts trying to get lawn mower started but it wont start . Boy comes back and preacher asks how do you get this lawn mower started ? Boy says oh you have to cuss it a little . Preacher says , Son i havent cussed in over 50 years ,i dont know if I remember .

Little boy says, you just keep pulling on that rope, it’ll come back to you.

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“In Ireland, you go to someone's house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you're really just fine. She asks if you're sure. You say of course you're sure, really, you don't need a thing. Except they pronounce it ting. You don't need a ting. Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn't mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it's no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting.

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In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don't get any damned tea.

I liked the Irish way better.”

― C.E. Murphy, Urban Shaman

Picture: Irish Tea Party early 1900s, photograph from Valentine’s of Dundee, Scotland

Via great british Tea party

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A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

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British….

 

I was in Asda with the missus and put a box of Stella in the trolley. “What do you think you are doing”? Asks the missus. I reply “its on offer £10 for 24 cans” “put them back we can’t afford it“ she said. A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What you doing”? I said. “it makes my face look beautiful” she replied.

So I said, “so does 24 cans of Stella and its half the bloody price”.

 

I reckon he’ll take the bandages off in a week or so.

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The American says, “That's nothing.”

He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."

The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."

The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."

The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can f##k right off, sir!”

The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

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A Colonel is visiting the field hospital,

‘What are you in here for soldier?’

‘Haemorrhoids Sir.’

‘And what’s your treatment soldier?’

‘Carbolic soap and a brush, Sir.’

‘And your ambition soldier?’

‘To get back to the front, Sir, and fight.’

‘Jolly good show.’

Next soldier,

‘What are you in here for soldier?’

‘A sexually transmitted disease, Sir.’

‘And what’s your treatment soldier?’

‘Carbolic soap and a brush, Sir.’

‘And your ambition soldier?’

‘To get back to the front, Sir, and fight.’

‘Jolly good show.’

Third soldier,

‘What are you in here for soldier?’

‘Gum boils Sir.’

‘And what’s your treatment soldier?’

‘Carbolic soap and a brush, Sir.’

‘And your ambition soldier?’

‘To get to the brush before the other two, Sir.’

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A proper English gentleman is sitting in front of a fire place in his mansion and reading a paper.

Suddenly a door opens and a butler rushes in, clothes all loose, messy hair and in a bit of panic screams, “The Thames is rising fast! Water is flooding everything and soon will reach us!”

The gentlemen calmly folds his paper and scolds the man for being tardy. “You are a servant of this fine family! We do not fear anything so there is no need to panic! Act like it, get yourself in order and try announcing that again like a proper butler should!”

The butler leaves and closes the door. Ten minutes pass, then another and another.

Finally in about an hour the door opens again and a calm, groomed and spotlessly-dressed servant announces:

“The Thames is here to see you, sir.”

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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.

The Iraq troop leader says, "we’re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request." He says to the Welshman, "what’s your last request?"

The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshmen singing "Land of my Fathers".

""Okay, you’ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman.

I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot.

"You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What’s your last request?" he says to the Irishman.

"I want a thousand Irishman doing the River-dance" says Paddy.

“It’s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"

The Englishman says, "f*cking shoot me first".

 

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Not to ruin your joke, but, I'm going to ruin your joke :P

 

Pah-cahns are either trees or they are nuts.

 

Pee-cans are the things in pies.

 

You have a pah-cahn tree, and you harvest pah-cahns from it, which you use to make a pee-can pie.

 

You can also use pah-cahns in butter pah-cahn ice cream. But if it is in a pie, it is a pee-can, and if you pronounce it any other way you will show yourself as a Yankee.

 

Pee-cahns are a non-existent thing - a term generally used by Yankees who are trying to sound like they know what they're talking about.

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1 minute ago, Alpo said:

Not to ruin your joke, but, I'm going to ruin your joke :P

 

Pah-cahns are either trees or they are nuts.

 

Pee-cans are the things in pies.

 

You have a pah-cahn tree, and you harvest pah-cahns from it, which you use to make a pee-can pie.

 

You can also use pah-cahns in butter pah-cahn ice cream. But if it is in a pie, it is a pee-can, and if you pronounce it any other way you will show yourself as a Yankee.

 

Pee-cahns are a non-existent thing - a term generally used by Yankees who are trying to sound like they know what they're talking about.

Another view...

 

Food City sells pah-cahns. Kroger sells pah-cahns. Even Dollar General sells pah-cahns.

 

Looking at the price, Whole Foods must be selling pee-cans.

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22 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Pee-cahns are a non-existent thing - a term generally used by Yankees who are trying to sound like they know what they're talking about

 

Just now, Subdeacon Joe said:

Then there are the much neglected pee-cahns. Must be a hybrid.  

Like I said, there ain't no such thing.

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Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, Alpo said:

 

Like I said, there ain't no such thing.

 

That's how my dad, who was from Kentucky, said it.  

ADDED:
More like "puh-con" really, now that I think of it.

Edited by Subdeacon Joe
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