It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[DeaconKC]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Subdeacon Joe]

2 hours ago, Alpo said:

 

And that's how he went from traffic control, to outer space.

 

 

He just got a taste for flying.

 

I didn't think he was that old. 

 

 

Wait....

Chips was, what,  mid70s?  And TNG was late 80s?   I'm getting old.

Edited March 29 by Subdeacon Joe

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.

One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk.

He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.

He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.

People offered to help him, but he said no each time.

He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard!

You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

Peter was confused. "How did you find out?"

"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

50 minutes ago, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said:

  

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

[Ozark Huckleberry]

On 3/30/2024 at 8:53 PM, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said:

  

 

And contract Scot Peterson as their security officer.

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Story from the internet.

 

Years ago, as a police officer in small town Wisconsin, I was checking business doorknobs late at night. Walked up to the one and only funeral home, turned the knob….door unlocked. Damn! Summoned my partner (checking doors across the street) and in we go.

No idea where the light switches were and our simple plan was to step in, turn around and leave, locking the door on the way out…….indeed, we would have requisitely “checked” the place. Right? Nope.

As we turned to leave, we heard a crashing sound behind us. Playing our flashlights about, we found the business’ cash box laying on the floor in the office. Just then, we heard sounds coming from downstairs where the casket showroom and embalming room (behind closed doors) were to be found.

Huddled together, my partner and I descended the stairs only to have our flashlights show a casket lid closing across the room! We hatched a scheme whereby I would stand behind the casket, reach over it, pull the cover open and my partner —- standing in front of it —- would then arrest the clumsy cashbox thief. Nervous as we both could be in the darkened room, I pulled open the lid and the perp leaped out of the casket like a jack-in-the-box! Partner dropped his flashlight and revolver, and the casket occupant blew by me, up the stairs, out the door —— never to be caught!

Needless to write, much more circumspect checking that particular doorknob, again

[Alpo]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Subdeacon Joe]

2 hours ago, Alpo said:

 

 

What was it doing with your shoe?

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

Ole is the priest of the local Norwegian Catholic Church, and Sven is the minister of the Swedish Lutheran Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'BRIDGE OUT'?"

[DeaconKC]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Cajun Logic

 

Marie walked into da kitchen and saw Boudreaux wit a fly swatter.  She axed him, “Any Luck?" 

 

Boudreaux say, “Mais yea, I done kill tree males and two females." 

 

Marie axed, “Mais cher, how can you tell dem apart?" 

 

Boudreaux say, “Mais dats easy cher . . . tree was on dat beer can and two was on da telephone."

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Two good old boys from Newfoundland decide to do some fishing. They go down to the dock and rent a dory. They paddle out into the Atlantic, cast their lines and begin catching fish after fish. “By” says one of them, “Mark this spot sos we can come back and catch more fish!” “ No problem” says his bud. After they land and return the dory, the first guy asks: ”So did you mark the spot?” 
“Yah, by, I painted an X on the bottom of the boat.”

“Ya dumb Newfie” says the first guy “How djy’a know we’ll get the same boat next time?”

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A young Cajun dude was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What you driving so fast for son? You going to a fire? Let me see your license, boy." 

 

The young dude handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of his car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got dem knives on dat back seat?" 

 

The young Cajun dude replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler me." 

 

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say.  Boy, put your hands on da trunk of dis car; you are going to jail son!" 

 

The young Cajun dude pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while me I juggle for you officer." The officer reluctantly decided to allow the Cajun dude to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint. 

 

Meanwhile, two miles down the road at City Bar, Boudreaux was drinking it up with his friend, Thibodeaux. He soon left and got into his old, rusty pick-em-up truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side of the road. 

 

Suddenly, Boudreaux spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He then drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for City Bar and asked for his buddy, Thibodeaux. 

 

When Thib got on the phone Boudreaux said, "Whatever you do Thib, when you leave dat bar, don't go north on highway 442. The state police are giving a sobriety test dat ain't nobody can pass!!"

[Alpo]

[John Kloehr]

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A guy was walking down the beach and stubs his toe on something in the sand. He looks down and sees something shiny, so he clears the sand away and reveals a genie’s lamp. He rubs the lamp, the genie pops out and says “Master, I will grant you one wish”. The guy scoffs and says “I thought I was supposed to get three wishes” to which the genies replies “You cannot believe everything you see in the movies, you get one wish”

The guy thinks hard and says “I am a wealthy man, I can afford almost anything money can buy. I have seen how beautiful Hawaii is on TV and I have always wanted to visit but I am scared to fly, and I get sea sick on boats. My wish is to have a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can drive there.”

The genie gets a look of shock on his face, he says “That is not a wish that I can fulfill, the wish is too extreme and complicated and will not be granted, make your one wish.”

The man thinks and thinks and then he says “Aha, I know, I have succeeded in almost all aspects of life, but in doing so I have never been able to find love, I have dated many women, but for one reason or another it never worked out, the women always left me and I cannot understand why. My wish is to be able to understand how women think, to have the knowledge that will allow me to fulfill all a woman’s needs.”

The genie replies “Two lanes or four?”

[Subdeacon Joe]

One for the math fans …

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.

The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.

The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.

The next day the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours but, when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.