Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a few minutes before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe answered by raising one finger. Next, the Pope waved one finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed down at the ground. Then the Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. On seeing that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, the Rabbi was too clever, and the Jews could stay. Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope to ask what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show that God is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God is also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue." Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe to find out how he won the debate. " I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy. So I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, "We're staying right here." "And then what?" they asked. "Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine." 1 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 2 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Alpo Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 I've been saying similar for years. If I was a woman I would be ashamed to admit that I was either too stupid to look and see if the seat was down, or too stupid to know how to lower the seat, and therefore I had to depend on the guy to always put the seat down. 3 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyesa Horg Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 Gotta say, I've never,ever sat on a toilet with the seat up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 (edited) 3 hours ago, Alpo said: I've been saying similar for years. If I was a woman I would be ashamed to admit that I was either too stupid to look and see if the seat was down, or too stupid to know how to lower the seat, and therefore I had to depend on the guy to always put the seat down. I remembered this from some years ago referencing that very idea. I didn't write this, I'm not this clever, but I certainly agree with it. I present, THE MAN RULES: Please note: These are all numbered"1 " ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think your fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, We meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both. if you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched... We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle... 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics As Football or Hockey. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Edited February 11 by Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 2 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 44 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said: Don't ask Brandon. He'll probably tell you that he spoke to him just last week. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted February 10 Author Share Posted February 10 1 hour ago, Alpo said: I've been saying similar for years. If I was a woman I would be ashamed to admit that I was either too stupid to look and see if the seat was down, or too stupid to know how to lower the seat, and therefore I had to depend on the guy to always put the seat down. After many years of group camping about twice a month from March through early November it's a habit to put the lid, not just the seat, down. Those portables are made to vent properly only with the lid down. Having idjits leaving the lid up and having them not venting while superheating under a Central Valley August Sun made for a very unpleasant experience. May, June, July, September, and October weren't much better. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 20 years or so back I started putting the lid down to keep Big Brown Dog from drinking out of it. Now it's a habit. My toilet, someone else's toilet. Doesn't matter. I put the lid down, not just the seat. And it annoys me when I have company, and I go in the bathroom and find out that they've left the lid up. I wonder if my company had been raised on a farm, and had learned all their life to leave gates the way they found them (if it's open, leave it open, but if it's closed, close it back), since when they got there the lid was down, when they finished they would put it back down? 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Subdeacon Joe Posted February 11 Author Share Posted February 11 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Alpo Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 A blonde gets on a plane that flies from New York to London to Paris. She has a coach ticket to London, but she plants herself in a business class seat. The flight attendant approaches her, checks her ticket, and tells her, sorry madam, but you have a coach ticket, you cannot sit in business. To which the blonde replies: I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I go to London. And she doesn’t budge. So the attendant calls the cabin manager to deal with the situation. The manager tells the blonde: I am really sorry, madam, but you have a coach ticket, you have to go to your assigned seat in the coach section. Again the blonde replies: I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I go to London. And she doesn’t budge. Now the staff doesn’t know what to do next, so they decide to call the captain, and ask him to expel the blonde. The captain says, don’t worry, no need to go to such extremes, I’ll handle it. The captain walks to the blonde, whispers something in her ear…and she immediately gets up and go sit in coach. Amazed, the manager asks the captain what he said to her. The captain: “It’s simple. I told her that business class flies straight to Paris” 2 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 1 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickasaw Bill SASS #70001 Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 and on that note : OPEN THE BAR EARLY 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwater 53393 Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 2 hours ago, Alpo said: Should OF just used the right word!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 53 minutes ago, Blackwater 53393 said: Should OF just used the right word!! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwater 53393 Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 4 minutes ago, Alpo said: Close to home?? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 I was looking through my collection of animals sticking their tongues out, looking for something that seemed to go with black water. My choices seem to be that hippo or some otters. Since the black water in a trailer is pretty nasty smelling, I was hoping I had one of a skunk but - alas it was not to be. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Kloehr Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 42 minutes ago, Alpo said: I was looking through my collection of animals sticking their tongues out ...I was hoping I had one of a skunk but - alas it was not to be. For your collection: 3 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 (edited) 1 hour ago, John Kloehr said: For your collection: Thank you. After realizing what was missing I found two and thanks to you I now have three. And I believe yours is the best of the three. Edited February 12 by Alpo 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted February 13 Author Share Posted February 13 ALASKA STATE TROOPER In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM one vey cold morning, ALASKA STATE TROOPERS responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside of Fairbanks. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver’s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty R&R bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car’s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. The State Trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, “PULL OVER!” The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Alaska was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Alaska who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says troopers don’t have a sense of humor? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 11 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said: passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty R&R bottle on the seat beside him. R&R bottle? Rich and Rare Canadian whiskey? If that's not it I'm completely confused. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted February 13 Author Share Posted February 13 20 minutes ago, Alpo said: R&R bottle? Rich and Rare Canadian whiskey? If that's not it I'm completely confused. Your guess is as good as mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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