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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread


Subdeacon Joe

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Stolen from FB

 

So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.

Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?

Me - excuse me?

Her - you are wasting our bags!

Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.

Her - that's not my job!

Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.

Her - why are you using two bags?!

Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.

Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.

*10 seconds of me just staring at her.

Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.

Her - exactly.

Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.

Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.

*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.

Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.

Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.

*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.

Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?

Her- never mind you just don't get it.

And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.

 

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On the subject of double bagging, has anyone else noticed this?

 

Because they are putting something heavy in your bag, like maybe a half a dozen cans of whatever so that about 6 lb plus the metal cans. So they will open the first thin plastic bag. Then they will open a second thin plastic bag and put it inside the first one. They will do this with the handles of the first bag oriented North and South, and the handles of the second bag will be oriented east and west. When you pick up the bag you will be holding the north south handles, because they are the outside bag, and the interior bag does not give you any support at all because the handles are in the wrong place to grip.

 

I see that in more and more stores. Every once in a while someone will put the second bag in with the handles oriented the same way as the first bag is, so when you pick it up you're holding all four handles and two bags of supporting the weight.

 

But that is very rare.

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The Story of Adam & Eve's Dog

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the Garden, You walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much You love us."

 

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

 

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.  And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

 

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.  

 

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

 

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.  And they were comforted.

 

And God was pleased.

 

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

 

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. 

 

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

 

And Adam and Eve learned humility.  And they were greatly improved.

 

And God was pleased.

 

And Dog was happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the Cat ...well, the Cat didn't care one way or the other.
 

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14 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:

So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.

Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?

 

[ snip of about 13 lines and a '10 second wait']

 

*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.

 

Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?

Her- never mind you just don't get it.

And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.

 

Where I shop, if there were 10 other customers waiting for this drama to play out, they would NOT be 'enjoying the show'!

Edited by Ozark Huckleberry
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A group of aeronautical engineering professors were invited to fly for free on a new aircraft that was just being introduced. 
As the door was closing and the plane was about to take off, a voice over the intercom said, “Thank you for your confidence in taking the inaugural flight on this new aircraft.  It was designed and built by all of your students over this past year.
All the professors began to unbuckle their seatbelts and  make their way to the exit door of the plane, with the exception of one, who remained calmly seated with a smile on his face. 
One of the professors who was standing in line to exit the plane asked him why he wasn't getting off of the plane, knowing that the plane was built by some of his recent students.
The Professor replied, “Because they are our students.”
Another professor who was standing close by asked, “So you are sure that you taught your students well enough to build this? 
The sitting professor smiled and said, “No, I’m not sure, but I AM sure that it won't fly.”

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4 hours ago, Alpo said:

humor understand women.jpg

 

 

      ........ the "round" bit is a convenience ....

         ......... the "square" bit is a convenience .....

               .......... the "triangle"bit is a convenience ........

                      ...... a "convenient" woman is seldom a "final choice" ......  :wub:

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1 hour ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 

      ........ the "round" bit is a convenience ....

         ......... the "square" bit is a convenience .....

               .......... the "triangle"bit is a convenience ........

                      ...... a "convenient" woman is seldom a "final choice" ......  :wub:

My Pa told me to marry a woman with "enthusiasm". 

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A father passing by his son’s bedroom Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

main-qimg-9e95de3991e67ee608f2993ca8224b3d
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18 hours ago, Alpo said:

One would think that in England, the home of the language, they would use complete sentences. And possibly even the correct plurality of the verbs.

When I was in London, I realized they pluralized verbs differently. I don’t think it needs correction as much as it’s just not the way we do it.

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Stolen from WWW….

 

A guy walks into my pawnshop, sets a large hydraulic jack on the counter and asks me how much would I give him for it. I tell him $15.00, he says no thanks and walks out. I tell my clerk “you know we have a jack just like that over by the door,” And I point to an oily spot on the shelf where the jack use to be! I walk outside as the dude is getting into his car after putting the jack in the back seat. I walk up , open the back door, retrieve my jack and carry it back inside. Not the end of the story. I call the pawnshop down the street and am telling the owner about the scam. All of a sudden he shouts “Damn, I just bought my own electric typewriter off that guy!”

 

Speaking of which… does anyone use a typewriter these days?

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3 hours ago, Alpo said:

Kale.jpeg.20e839c65abf1ae3198ef733e2dbbee7.jpeg

 

Male Bovine Excrement.  If Its clean and dry in a bowl or on a plate it will just slide in.  Put oil on it and bits and pieces cling to the plate or bowl and then you have an oily bowl or plate to wahs.  If the kale is plain you can get by with a quick rinse in hot water.

 

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