Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted December 8, 2023 Posted December 8, 2023 A woman carrying a backpack is walking along when she sees two men staring up at a flagpole, and looking worried. So she goes up to them and asks what is the problem. The men tell her that they’ve been asked to measure the height of the flagpole but they can’t think of a way to do it. The woman takes off her backpack and pulls out a set of spanners and a tape measure. She selects a spanner and undoes the bolts holding the flagpole base on its platform. Then she tilts the flagpole off the platform and lays it on the ground. She takes the tape measure and runs it along the flagpole. She tells the men it’s 18’ 6”, puts her things back in her backpack and walks away. One man turns to the other and says “Now isn’t that just like a woman; you ask her the height and she gives you the length!” 2 7 Quote
Alpo Posted December 8, 2023 Posted December 8, 2023 Did she stand the pole back up or did she leave it laying on the ground? 1 6 Quote
Subdeacon Joe Posted December 9, 2023 Author Posted December 9, 2023 1 hour ago, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said: Corn gives us popped, chips, tacos, tamales, and bourbon. Barley gives us soup and beer. Wheat gives us sandwiches, beer, and burritos. 1 2 Quote
Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 5 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said: Corn gives us popped, chips, tacos, tamales, and bourbon. Barley gives us soup and beer. Wheat gives us sandwiches, beer, and burritos. .... yeah but ......... them's not vegetables, them's grains ......... 1 5 Quote
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though. " 2 1 4 Quote
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 It was the postie’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the best seeing to he had ever experienced. When he was truly spent, they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was finished she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. “He said, ‘f**k him. Give him a fiver.’ "................... but the breakfast was my idea." 1 7 Quote
Blackwater 53393 Posted December 10, 2023 Posted December 10, 2023 10 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said: Gonna’ hafta’ move the forward landing gear frontwards on that’n or the prop’s gonna’ become a rototiller!! 1 1 2 Quote
Texas Joker Posted December 10, 2023 Posted December 10, 2023 Hatch a plot bye the fire... With yer friends you conspire.. The plans that we make, the risks that we take Walking in the winter wonderland 2 1 2 Quote
Texas Joker Posted December 10, 2023 Posted December 10, 2023 Ringa ring the cops are listnen In a van they are a sittin The tap on the phone when you think yer alone Talking in the winter wonderland 1 1 2 Quote
Texas Joker Posted December 10, 2023 Posted December 10, 2023 In the door they are a coming From the cuffs you are running In the jail you will stay for some years anyway For stalkin in a winter wonder land 1 1 3 Quote
Brazos John Posted December 11, 2023 Posted December 11, 2023 7 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said: Please Marry Responsibly, too! 2 3 Quote
Sedalia Dave Posted December 12, 2023 Posted December 12, 2023 Stolen from FB So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened. Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries? Me - excuse me? Her - you are wasting our bags! Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself. Her - that's not my job! Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you. Her - why are you using two bags?! Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out. Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag. *10 seconds of me just staring at her. Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag. Her - exactly. Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items. Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging. *me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching. Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items. Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags. *me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show. Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about? Her- never mind you just don't get it. And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills. 2 7 2 Quote
Alpo Posted December 12, 2023 Posted December 12, 2023 On the subject of double bagging, has anyone else noticed this? Because they are putting something heavy in your bag, like maybe a half a dozen cans of whatever so that about 6 lb plus the metal cans. So they will open the first thin plastic bag. Then they will open a second thin plastic bag and put it inside the first one. They will do this with the handles of the first bag oriented North and South, and the handles of the second bag will be oriented east and west. When you pick up the bag you will be holding the north south handles, because they are the outside bag, and the interior bag does not give you any support at all because the handles are in the wrong place to grip. I see that in more and more stores. Every once in a while someone will put the second bag in with the handles oriented the same way as the first bag is, so when you pick it up you're holding all four handles and two bags of supporting the weight. But that is very rare. 2 1 Quote
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