It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A woman carrying a backpack is walking along when she sees two men staring up at a flagpole, and looking worried. So she goes up to them and asks what is the problem. The men tell her that they’ve been asked to measure the height of the flagpole but they can’t think of a way to do it.

The woman takes off her backpack and pulls out a set of spanners and a tape measure. She selects a spanner and undoes the bolts holding the flagpole base on its platform. Then she tilts the flagpole off the platform and lays it on the ground. She takes the tape measure and runs it along the flagpole.

She tells the men it’s 18’ 6”, puts her things back in her backpack and walks away.

One man turns to the other and says “Now isn’t that just like a woman; you ask her the height and she gives you the length!”

[Alpo]

Did she stand the pole back up or did she leave it laying on the ground?

 

 

 

[Subdeacon Joe]

[DeaconKC]

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Subdeacon Joe]

1 hour ago, Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 said:

  

 

 

 

Corn gives us popped, chips, tacos, tamales, and bourbon.

Barley gives us soup and beer.

 

Wheat gives us sandwiches, beer, and burritos.

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

5 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

 

Corn gives us popped, chips, tacos, tamales, and bourbon.

Barley gives us soup and beer.

 

Wheat gives us sandwiches, beer, and burritos.

 

   .... yeah but ......... them's not vegetables, them's grains .........  

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though. "

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

It was the postie’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the best seeing to he had ever experienced.

When he was truly spent, they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was finished she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

“He said, ‘f**k him. Give him a fiver.’

"................... but the breakfast was my idea."

[DeaconKC]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

[Blackwater 53393]

10 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

Gonna’ hafta’ move the forward landing gear frontwards on that’n or the prop’s gonna’ become a rototiller!!   

[Sedalia Dave]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Texas Joker]

Hatch a plot bye the fire...

 

With yer friends you conspire..

 

The plans that we make, the risks that we take

 

Walking in the winter wonderland

[Texas Joker]

Ringa ring the cops are listnen 

 

In a van they are a sittin

 

The tap on the phone when you think yer alone 

 

Talking in the winter wonderland

[Texas Joker]

In the door they are a coming

 

From the cuffs you are running

 

In the jail you will stay for some years anyway

 

For stalkin in a winter wonder land

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Brazos John]

7 hours ago, Sedalia Dave said:

Please Marry Responsibly, too!  

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]