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It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

Subdeacon Joe

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Stolen from another forum:

"Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing."  One of  the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:
   "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
   From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:
   "First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy.  In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people. 
   Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing.  The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.
   At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.
   So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents
   When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
   Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass.
   This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.
   What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.
   The tools available to us are as follow:
   PHONE:  People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment.
   "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
   Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.
   CARS:  We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like.
   It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
   Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
   RUNNERS:  Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny.  When you catch them you can harass them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.
   STATUTES:  When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.
   After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them.
   Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.
   We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people
   Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites. 
   Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista. "

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GOD SAID:  "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world is going on down there on the planet?  What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?  I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.  But, all I see are these green rectangles." 


St. FRANCIS:  It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The Suburbanites.  They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. 


GOD:  Grass?  But, it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.  It's sensitive to temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? 


ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. 


GOD:  The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.  That must make the Suburbanites happy. 


ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week. 


GOD:  They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay? 


ST. FRANCIS:  Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. 


GOD:  They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it? 


ST. FRANCIS:  No, Sir, just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away. 


GOD:  Now, let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will grow.  And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? 


ST. FRANCIS:  Yes, Sir. 


GOD:  These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. 


ST. FRANCIS:  You aren't going to believe this, Lord.  When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. 


GOD:  What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  It's a natural cycle of life. 


ST. FRANCIS:  You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. 


GOD:  No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? 


ST. FRANCIS:  After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.


GOD:  And where do they get this mulch? 


ST. FRANCIS:  They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. 


GOD:  Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? 


ST. CATHERINE:  'Dumb and Dumber', Lord.  It's a story about.... 


GOD:  Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

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An atheist was playing golf with two priests. They were playing for 50¢ a hole and 25¢ over par. At the end of the game all three had the same points and couldn't decide how to split the pot. The priests argued that as it was a miracle that they all three had the same total score God should be awarded the pot, via the church of course. The atheist pointed out that they didn't have any money for the nineteenth hole so should use some of the money. Again they couldn't decide on how to split the pot, as it was a hot day and all three were thirsty. One priest proposed drawing a circle on the ground, throwing all the money in the air and whatever fell within the circle would go to God via his church. The other priest suggested that the money within the circle go towards buying drinks and any money outside the circle should go to God via his church. The atheist suggested throwing all the money in the air, God could keep what he needed and the rest would go towards the bar bill! They all three needed a lift home

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True story. At the grocery store yesterday. There was an SUV parked next to my truck. In the backseat was this huge damn German Shepherd - 150-200 pounds.

 Big dog. And they have the back window down three or four inches, so fresh air can come in. I didn't see this when I walked up to my truck to put my groceries. And I'm guessing he didn't see me.


And the noise of my truck door opening startled him, so he jumped up to that part open window and started barking and raising all sorts of hell.


I had just opened the door and turned back to the buggy. I didn't look in the truck. And it sounded like that giant dog barking was coming from out of my truck.


Scared the hell out of me.


Then when I saw there was no dog in my truck, and then saw him in the truck next to me I calmed down.


Those are noisy dogs.

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