It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Sedalia Dave]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

[Sedalia Dave]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Sedalia Dave]

36 minutes ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

When do you get out of the hospital 

[Sedalia Dave]

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

Dear Arm & Hammer,

 

As your customer I would greatly appreciate in the future if you could affix warnings or perhaps bold letters depicting the words "MENTHOL" on the bottle of your "EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS" sinus rinse.

 

As a long time customer of your saline washes, I was left to assume that "EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS" referred to the sodium level in the saline spray. I stand corrected in my assumption. It actually means SPICY ACID BATH OF NOSTRIL LAVA.

 

This product set off an unexpected chain of events which led me to quite literally; shit my pants.

 

As with prior sinus rinses I inserted the nozzle into my nostril, tilted my head back, and began to spray the saline wash into my nose letting it work it's way through my sinus canals. Suddenly, with a thunderous vengeance, the menthol activated. It felt like I had snorted pure wasabi. My whole head began to burn like a prostitute trying to enter the Vatican. I felt burning in places I had never felt sensations before. It was so hot, my third eye began to water. I can only describe it as my "inside face" had caught on fire. Meanwhile my teeth, armpits, and groin suddenly felt freezing cold. Parts of body began to tingle, as if my Spidey Sense was warning me that the worst was still yet to come. 

 

This sudden combination of sensations prohibited me from leaning forward to let it drain from my nose into the sink. Instead, it began to run down the back of my throat sending me into an uncontrollable coughing fit, ultimately leading me to lose control of my rectal retention. Thus removing my ability to govern self control over my sphincter - which regrettably induced an episode of what I'd like to call "unexpected wet farts of despair." I'd estimate, I coughed five times in total, whilst simultaneously farting each time. Each one sounding exactly like air escaping a balloons blow hole being pinched and spread apart. Crying out in a high pitched whine mimicking someone whispering the word "Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?" in a really really sad voice.

 

Take note Arm & Hammer: "Half blind, on fire, and shitting your pants," were not mentioned in potential side effects. You may want to add that for legal purposes.

 

I implore your marketing and design department to have the word "VERY SPICY" printed on the front of the label. Along with "MAY SHIT PANTS."

 

Your loyal customer,

Sean

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Mad Dog Jack, SASS #77862]

That beer looks like it might be a Sierra Nevada, if it is he has good taste in beer at least

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

17 minutes ago, Mad Dog Jack, SASS #77862 said:

That beer looks like it might be a Sierra Nevada, if it is he has good taste in beer at least

That’s not beer. It’s a child water bottle. Seriously. 
 

Edited December 3, 2023 by Abilene Slim SASS 81783

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

Did all that and only forgot to duck once?

 

 

 

Added: I have been attempting to identify them. As I understand it, when you get the second award of a medal in the army they give you a little oak leaf pin to go on it, but in the Marine Corps they give you a little star. So logically those should be Marine medals.

 

But the only one I can find is the one on the second row, far left. White edge purple middle white edge. I'm pretty sure that's the Purple Heart.

 

But I can't find any of the others.

Edited December 3, 2023 by Alpo

[Sedalia Dave]

2 hours ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

 

59 minutes ago, Alpo said:

Did all that and only forgot to duck once?

 

 

 

Added: I have been attempting to identify them. As I understand it, when you get the second award of a medal in the army they give you a little oak leaf pin to go on it, but in the Marine Corps they give you a little star. So logically those should be Marine medals.

 

But the only one I can find is the one on the second row, far left. White edge purple middle white edge. I'm pretty sure that's the Purple Heart.

 

But I can't find any of the others.

Navy Marine Corps accommodation Medal, Navy Marine Corps achievement Medal, Navy Unit commendation, Meritorious unit commendation, Purple Heart ( in wrong place), Good Conduct medal, National Defense, No Clue on the last 3. 

[Subdeacon Joe]

I had to ask because going back and forth between tabs got confusing and some I couldn't match up at all:

 

"Joe he's a salty dawg.

From top down, left to right.

Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal, gold star means second award.

Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal, gold star second award.

Navy Unit Commendation

Navy Meritorious Unit Commendation, two stars means three awards

Looks like the Navy E, but it's missing the silver E in the middle.

Good Conduct Medal, Silver star means 6th award, plus two bronze stars means 8th award. Enlisted earn it every three years, so 24 years of good conduct.

National Defense Service Medal, bronze star second award

Armed Forces Expeditionary Medal 

Sea Service Deployment Ribbon, Silver star means 6th award

Navy/Marine Corps Overseas Service Ribbon, bronze star means second award."

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

I'm not sure. The colors seem off. 

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

[Sedalia Dave]

1 hour ago, Subdeacon Joe said:

Good Conduct Medal, Silver star means 6th award, plus two bronze stars means 8th award. Enlisted earn it every three years, so 24 years of good conduct.

 

When I was Active duty the Good Conduct medal was awarded every 4 years not 3.

 

Wonder when it was changed to every 3 vice 4 years?

 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Sixth-grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class:

"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously.

"How dare you ask such a question?" she says.

"I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.

She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.

"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says:

"Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

• first, it's clear that you have not done your homework.
• Second, you have a dirty mind.
• And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

Got dat right

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,

"I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced.

"Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Ted.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Ted Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Alpo]