Alpo Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER: Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world! December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder. December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ??? -Author Unknown 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said: DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER: Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world! December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder. December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ??? -Author Unknown And THAT'S why I live in Arizona. I've NEVER had to shovel sunshine. Edited November 28, 2023 by Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said: And THAT'S why I live in Arizona. I've NEVER had to shovel sunshine. Oh? Also Arizona: Edited November 28, 2023 by Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 Just now, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said: Oh? Also Arizona: Not Tucson. The best/worst we've gotten in the thirty years I've been here was a couple inches that was gone by noon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 3 minutes ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said: Not Tucson. The best/worst we've gotten in the thirty years I've been here was a couple inches that was gone by noon. True. I'm a little further north and probably higher in elevation. The most snow I've seen in six years was 28 inches in one storm. At least we don't get as much snow as Flagstaff! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 13 minutes ago, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said: True. I'm a little further north and probably higher in elevation. The most snow I've seen in six years was 28 inches in one storm. At least we don't get as much snow as Flagstaff! If you do, go over and shovel Forty Rod's place for him. 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 10 hours ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said: If you do, go over and shovel Forty Rod's place for him. Can do. ( I actually know Forty personally.) 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 1 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyesa Horg Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 Just finished plowing the frozen slush off the driveway and the sod off the lawn. And it's only begun! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyesa Horg Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 1 minute ago, Sedalia Dave said: Boy do I unfortunately remember that stuff. 1 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 1 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted November 28, 2023 Author Share Posted November 28, 2023 https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzJ3gpOOP-6/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng== 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 26 minutes ago, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said: ( I actually know Forty personally.) Your secret is safe with me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 3 hours ago, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said: Can do. ( I actually know Forty personally.) 2 hours ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said: Your secret is safe with me. I won't tell either ...... unless .......... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 2 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 1 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building, who hits the ground first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 3 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 Gramps turned eighty the other day And everyone was there He was dressed up in a brand-new suit Sittin' in his big arm chair When a beautiful, young, naked woman Stood up in front of the group She offered Gramps some super sex— And he said, "I'll take the soup" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeaconKC Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 hour ago, Alpo said: Gramps turned eighty the other day And everyone was there He was dressed up in a brand-new suit Sittin' in his big arm chair When a beautiful, young, naked woman Stood up in front of the group She offered Gramps some super sex— And he said, "I'll take the soup" You stinker! I just snorked HOT coffee at this! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Kloehr Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 May you live as long as you want, and not want as long as you live -- Irish toast Bread, cinnamon, eggs, maple syrup -- French toast 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 1 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 56 minutes ago, Sedalia Dave said: No.... don't even think about saying it.... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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