Alpo Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwater 53393 Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 (edited) They’re both figments of the imagination of Falfa!! Edited February 6 by Blackwater 53393 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 Posted this in the mouse trap thread, but thought it might belong here also. There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with rats. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their rats. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the rats were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church the rats had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the rats drown themselves. The rats liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many rats showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their rats and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the rats were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the rats and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They caught one rat and circumcised him. They haven’t seen one since … 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 1 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 1 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?” 2 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 A popular Soviet army joke. Politruk shows a pile of bricks to a squad of soldiers and asks, -Private Ivanov, what do you think when you see these bricks? -Comrade Politruk, I think about our Soviet people who are building Communism! - Private Sidorenko, what do you think when you see the bricks? - We’re gonna build a new house when I return to my village. -Private Sarkisyan, what do you think when you see these bricks? -I think about naked women! -What?! But why? -Because I always think about naked women! 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted February 8 Author Share Posted February 8 2 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 This is a true story, but the story about the cow reminded me of it. And it is sort of funny. We were third in line at a red light. Light turns green, and a couple of seconds later the Lincoln that's first in line pulls into the intersection. Then this pickup truck come charging down the road, blew through the red light and smashed into the front left of the Lincoln, turning the Lincoln sideways, and continuing down the road 50 or 60 yards before coming to a stop and making 180°, so now he's pointed back the way he came. Car number two pulled around the wreck and went off down the street. My business partner called the cops. We were in his truck. He suggested they send out at least two cops and an ambulance might not be a bad idea. The old man did not appear to be hurt but he was shook up, which was why he hadn't gotten out of the Lincoln. One of the cops went down to the pickup truck and after talking to the driver a while, he got cuffed and stuffed. While this was going on, car number two returned. He told the cop that he had been on his way to take his girlfriend to work. And she had to get to work on time. But he was a witness and after dropping her off he had come back. Couple days later I get a phone call. Some insurance company. Said that his understanding was that I had been a witness to a traffic accident at the intersection of this and that, couple days before. And I asked him, "Who's your client? The old man in the Lincoln? Or the drunk in the pickup truck that ran the light and smashed into the Lincoln?" There was a few seconds of silence, and then he said, "Is that what happened?" I told him it was, and he thanked me for my time. Then just before he hung up he said, "Our client is the drunk in the pickup truck". 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted February 9 Author Share Posted February 9 1 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 Just a reminder! 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Father Kit Cool Gun Garth Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted February 9 Author Share Posted February 9 It's FRIDAY! A man parks his bicycle nearby the Capitol in Washington, DC and walks on. A police officer stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it is a VIP road and all congressmen and senators pass from here?" Man replied, "Don't you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!" 1 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdeacon Joe Posted February 9 Author Share Posted February 9 Or having good taste 2 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeaconKC Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 2 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alpo Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 2 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwater 53393 Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 3 hours ago, DeaconKC said: …and you can bet the speed limit is whatever he says it is! 3 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. ‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’ After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’ ‘Because I don’t want any of those b****es sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 3 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984 Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week... Do you know her' Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.' The little girl said, 'Well, who is she' 'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.' 'Shirley Goodnest...! Who is she and why is she following us..' 'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.' May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always. (I know you smiled!) 3 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sedalia Dave Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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