The Aussie Humour Thread

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

On 9/28/2021 at 5:02 PM, Sixgun Sheridan said:

 

And a dozen plants.

[Buckshot Bear]

[Buckshot Bear]

Useless information unless you come for a visit -

 

Australians don't tip (per se), we're not tight arses, its just not part of our culture.

[Pat Riot]

4 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:

Useless information unless you come for a visit -

 

Australians don't tip (per se), we're not tight arses, its just not part of our culture.

Do you even lean at all?

 

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

2 minutes ago, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Do you even lean at all?

 

 

 

 ... usually if we're drunk   

[Buckshot Bear]

Collection of hilarious maps sum up life in Australia

https://www.escape.com.au/destinations/australia/collection-of-hilarious-maps-sum-up-life-in-australia/news-story/dde139d5864283330ac7abbf0225d86e

 

[Buckshot Bear]

2 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 ... usually if we're drunk   

 

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

12 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

 

...... yep, .... that's a lean .....   

[Buckshot Bear]

[Sedalia Dave]

2 hours ago, Buckshot Bear said:

 

 

Rednecks have been doing that in the states as well.

 

These guys are using a 4 wheeler instead of a truck

 

 

 

 

[El CupAJoe]

On 9/28/2021 at 5:31 AM, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 

 

 ...... actually, me place is right near the coast, about in line with the middle of the "...... politicians" and between the sharks

 

 

sooo, where on this map are the drop bears?

[El CupAJoe]

On 9/29/2021 at 9:44 AM, Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L said:

we need a gator hitching post at the FL state match... and some gator wagons... Good on ya Ozzies for coming up with this one 

[El CupAJoe]

On 9/30/2021 at 4:48 AM, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

Do you even lean at all?

 

 

it's hard when you're hanging upside down holding on with your toes...

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

7 hours ago, El CupAJoe said:

sooo, where on this map are the drop bears?

 

   ............... all over the place ...   

[Buckshot Bear]

Saturday morning Bruce got up early to go for his weekly fishing trip.
He was moving quietly so he would not wake his missus, got dressed, filled the esky with beer, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked up the boat up to the ute , and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be lousy all day.

Bruce went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his missus' back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." Sheila replied, "Hmm come closer, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

[Buckshot Bear]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[St. Louis Suomi SASS #31905]

It is with some trepidation that I make the following comments as some folks might take umbrage.  However, I have heard from some Americans that Vegamite can be best described asa hair restorer, acne treatment, cess pool disinfectant, varnish remover, breakfast food, and cure as a salve for monkey butt.    That being said, I did have a period wherein I was with Aussies "diggers" in VN and I can assure you that while all of what was previously said might be true, I found it to be exactly the item we should, in measured amounts, issue to the US soldiers in their rations.
It seem to instill in those stout troops a certain attitude and sense of "git er done" that I have not seem in many US units.  I guess, having that as
a breakfast spread can make you believe that you have met the meanest challenge of the day so nothing could possibly intimidate you during the rest of the day.  I do believe that I would be absolutely filled with comfort allowing my backside to be guarded with ANY Aussie trooper.  They were
absolutely tops.  Vegemite works.

 

STL Suomi

 

(And I liked their biscuits in the afternoon - Yum)

 

[Buckshot Bear]

7 minutes ago, St. Louis Suomi SASS #31905 said:

 I do believe that I would be absolutely filled with comfort allowing my backside to be guarded with ANY Aussie trooper.  They were
absolutely tops.  Vegemite works.

 

STL Suomi

 

 

 

 

Australians in Action - Vietnam War

 

 

 

 

@St Louis Suomi #31905

[Buckshot Bear]

"A light lunch of dry biscuits and spreads (margarine, vegemite, cheese, jam) was provided with the intention that this could be stowed in the pocket, and thus obviate the opening of the field pack for the midday meal".,

 

https://vietnam.unsw.adfa.edu.au/keeping-the-troops-in-the-field-part-1-rations/

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

On 9/28/2021 at 6:20 AM, Pat Riot, SASS #13748 said:

I got it! 

[John Kloehr]

I guess the humour in this thread explains this:

 

[Buckshot Bear]

Poor Ring Tail Possum 

 

 

[Major Crimes]

On 9/28/2021 at 7:53 PM, Alpo said:

That's what DuckDuckGo says - mosquitoes.

 

Can't help you with the German guy.

 

On 9/28/2021 at 6:37 PM, Cheyenne Ranger, 48747L said:

 

Need help understanding:

 

Some German Guy??

 

Mozzies the size of Cars??

 

 

 

I think that refers to this German Guy

 

Roman Heinze jailed for at least 17 years for attack on backpackers in South Australia

[Alpo]

On the map, just above the KIN in frickin, it says backpacker murders. That appears to be in the North. Or maybe not, since Oz is upside down. Maybe down there North is on the bottom of a map and South is on the top?

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 ..... just how WILD do you think we are ???

[Alpo]

Now normally, I would say that picture was a hoax. You have the head and the tail and the backbone of a reptile, and the body of a mammal. Impossibility.

 

And then I recall the platypus. And I realize that nothing about Australian wildlife IS impossible.

 

Probably the Wizard had something to do with it. Or maybe one of the bad witches.

Edited October 2, 2021 by Alpo
otto, how about letting me get just one without you screwing it up

[Subdeacon Joe]

19 minutes ago, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 ..... just how WILD do you think we are ???

 

 

About as wild as a WCTU meeting.

[Perro Del Diablo]

On 9/30/2021 at 4:51 AM, Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062 said:

 

 ... usually if we're drunk   

so always

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

10 minutes ago, Perro Del Diablo said:

so always

 

[Buckshot Bear]

2 hours ago, Alpo said:

Now normally, I would say that picture was a hoax. You have the head and the tail and the backbone of a reptile, and the body of a mammal. Impossibility.

 

And then I recall the platypus. And I realize that nothing about Australian wildlife IS impossible.

 

Probably the Wizard had something to do with it. Or maybe one of the bad witches.

 

Alpo if you mean the above photo, its a python eating a Ring Tail Possum.

 

They'll even get a kangaroo down them, this one is eating a Wallaby sorry @Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062  

 

 

 

 

[Buckshot Bear]

 

 

 

 

[Alpo]

29 minutes ago, Buckshot Bear said:

Alpo if you mean the above photo, its a python eating a Ring Tail Possum

Actually I meant the crocodile head, tail and upper back shopped onto the body of what looks like a bear.

 

Edited October 2, 2021 by Alpo

[Buckshot Bear]

1 minute ago, Alpo said:

Actually I meant the crocodile head, tail and upper back shopped onto the body of what looks like a bear.

 

LOL....glad that's fake I wouldn't leave the house !!!

[Buckshot Bear]

Aussie BBQ procedure:
1 - The woman buys the food.
2 - The woman takes a cold beer from the fridge and takes it to her husband who is talking about footy to his mates, and then she makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3 - The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - and gives him another cold beer.
4 - The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the discussion of cricket, footy, cars, fishing, and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

5 - The man places the meat and snags on the BBQ plate.

6 - The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
7 - The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he turns the meat
8 - The man takes the meat and snags off the plate and hands it to the woman.
9 - The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table, with more beer for the man and his friends..
10 - After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

11 - Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts that made this barbie a great success.

12 - The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.