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The Church and the Saloon. In a small mid-western conservative town, a saloon owner started construction on a new building to open up his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to bl

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."  The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"  "Yes, Father, it is."  "And who was the girl you were with?"  "I ca

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Jock met his neighbor Sandy, who was smoking some exceptionally fine and fragrant tobacco sent by his son in America. Jock drew his own pipe from an inner pocket.


“Ha’ ye a match, Sandy?” he questioned.


The match was proffered—but nothing more.


“I do believe,” said Jock, ‘I ha’ left me tobacco to hame.”


“Then,” replied Sandy after a brief silence, “ye micht as well gie me back me match.”

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The wounded Highlander seemed to make no headway toward recovery. He was forever talking about his “bonnie Scotland,” and the idea occurred to the doctor that a Scotch piper might rouse his spirits. Accordingly, he found a piper, and arranged that he should pour forth all the gems of Scottish music the pipes were capable of interpreting. When the doctor called the next morning he eagerly asked the matron:


“Did the piper turn up?”


“He did,” replied the matron.


“And how’s our Scotch patient?”


“Oh, he’s gone; I never saw such a change,” said the matron.


“That’s grand. That was a fine idea of mine,” said the delighted doctor.


“Yes,” replied the matron sadly, “but the other thirty patients have all had serious relapses."

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A Scotchman, wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the entire day at the telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by an affirmative answer.


“If I were you,” suggested the operator, when he delivered the message, “I’d think twice before I’d marry a girl that kept me waiting all day for my answer."


“Na, na,” retorted the Scot. “The lass who waits for the night rates is the lass for me.”

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Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside talking and puffing away merrily at their pipes.

 

“There’s no muckle pleasure in smokin’, Sandy,” said Donald.

 

“Hoo dae ye mak’ that oot?” questioned Sandy.

 

“Weel,” said Donald, “ye see, if ye’re smokin’ yer ain bacca ye’re thinkin’ o’ the awfu’ expense, an’ if ye’re smokin’ some ither body’s, yer pipe’s ramm’t sae tight it winna draw.”

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In the early days of the war the officer in charge of a British post deep in the heart of Africa received this wireless message from his superior officer:


“War declared. Arrest all enemy aliens in your district.”


With commendable promptness the superior received this reply: “Have arrested seven Germans, three Belgians, two Frenchmen, two Italians, an Austrian, and an American. Please say who we’re at war with.”

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A newly commissioned ensign ordered a jackie to salute him fifty times because he had neglected to salute in passing.

 

While the performance was in progress an old navy officer noticed it and inquired the meaning. The ensign explained.


“Just one minute, lad,” the old navy officer said when the jackie had completed the task, “the ensign is going to return the salutes now.”

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A man left his umbrella in a rack with a card attached, reading as follows: “The owner of this umbrella weighs two hundred and forty pounds and strikes a blow like a sledge hammer.”


Another man took the umbrella, leaving the card, after writing on the reverse side, “The man who took this umbrella can run a mile in four minutes and he is not coming back.”

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Country School-teacher.—“Now, Johnny, can you name a cape in Alaska?”


Johnny (stumped)—“No’m.”


Teacher.—“Nome; that’s right, Johnny. Now, next boy name another.”

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A young couple went to a minister’s house to get married. After the ceremony the bridegroom drew the clergyman aside and said in a whisper, “I’m sorry I have no money to pay your fee, but if you’ll take me down into the cellar I’ll show you how to fix your gas meter so that it won’t register.”

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I think I may have worked for this man.

 

 

A young fellow over at the City Hall asked his boss for a raise the other day. The boss told him he didn’t deserve a raise, because he hadn’t done any work at all last year. And he proved it like this:


“There were 365 days last year. You slept eight hours each day, or 122 days. That leaves 243 days. You rested eight hours a day, or another 122 days, leaving 121 days. Fifty-two Sundays you didn’t work, leaving 69 days. You had an hour and a half each day for lunch, a total of 23 days, leaving 46 days. You got half a day off each Saturday, or 26 days, leaving 20 days. You got two weeks’ vacation, leaving 6 days. These 6 days were New Year’s Day, Decoration Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. The office was closed on all of them—so you didn’t work at all.”

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Gentleman of the Road—“Kindly help a pore, lonely, ’omeless man, guv’nor, wot’s got nothink in the world but a loaded revolver and no conscientious objection to usin’ it!”

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1 hour ago, Alpo said:

A young couple went to a minister’s house to get married. After the ceremony the bridegroom drew the clergyman aside and said in a whisper, “I’m sorry I have no money to pay your fee, but if you’ll take me down into the cellar I’ll show you how to fix your gas meter so that it won’t register.”

Okay, I don't get it.

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1 hour ago, Smoky Pistols said:

Okay, I don't get it.

I got that from a book of "humorous anecdotes" that was published in 1923.

 

My take on it was that after the wedding the bridegroom explained to the preacher that he did not have any money to pay the preacher for marrying them, but if the preacher would take him down into the basement he would show him how to rig the gas meter so it would not show them using any gas. Allowing the preacher to use gas by stealing it from the gas company.

 

I could be misinterpreting it, but that's the way it read to me, and I found that funny.

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13 minutes ago, Alpo said:

I got that from a book of "humorous anecdotes" that was published in 1923.

 

My take on it was that after the wedding the bridegroom explained to the preacher that he did not have any money to pay the preacher for marrying them, but if the preacher would take him down into the basement he would show him how to rig the gas meter so it would not show them using any gas. Allowing the preacher to use gas by stealing it from the gas company.

 

I could be misinterpreting it, but that's the way it read to me, and I found that funny.

That's what I took from it as well, but I guess I was trying to figure out how the groom had possibly tricked the bride into marrying him or something--probably making too much out of nothing.

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23 hours ago, Alpo said:

The wounded Highlander seemed to make no headway toward recovery. He was forever talking about his “bonnie Scotland,” and the idea occurred to the doctor that a Scotch piper might rouse his spirits. Accordingly, he found a piper, and arranged that he should pour forth all the gems of Scottish music the pipes were capable of interpreting. When the doctor called the next morning he eagerly asked the matron:


“Did the piper turn up?”


“He did,” replied the matron.


“And how’s our Scotch patient?”


“Oh, he’s gone; I never saw such a change,” said the matron.


“That’s grand. That was a fine idea of mine,” said the delighted doctor.


“Yes,” replied the matron sadly, “but the other thirty patients have all had serious relapses."

 

I dinna believe that laddy.

Any time they play the pipes around here, it'll raise the dead and get the sick up and ready ta fight!

Up The Camerons!

CHofO-badge-298x300.png

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55 minutes ago, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

 

I dinna believe that laddy.

Any time they play the pipes around here, it'll raise the dead and get the sick up and ready ta fight!

Up The Camerons!

CHofO-badge-298x300.png

You know, I believe that. I put in a CD of pipers one time, and they hadn't been playing for 10 minutes when I had half the hanger over there ready to kill. TURN THAT DAMN NOISE OFF!!!!!!

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1 hour ago, Alpo said:

You know, I believe that. I put in a CD of pipers one time, and they hadn't been playing for 10 minutes when I had half the hanger over there ready to kill. TURN THAT DAMN NOISE OFF!!!!!!

Ye dinna know good music when ya hear it ya Sasenach!

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You misread my post apparently.

 

I was playing a CD of the pipes.

 

15 A&Ps were storming on me waving heavy tools and telling me to "turn that noise off".

 

Them other folks did not appreciate it.

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13 hours ago, Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474 said:

Ye dinna know good music when ya hear it ya Sasenach!

Once knew a guy who was in the British army in north Africa.  Got captured buy the Germans, and was just about to be sent to Germany to a POW camp. He said a Brigade of Scottish Highlanders came over the dunes just in time, pipes blaring, and rescued them. Up till then he said the bag pipe was the worst noise he ever heard, after that it was the most beautiful music he knew. All a matter of perspective.

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2 hours ago, Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485 said:

Once knew a guy who was in the British army in north Africa.  Got captured buy the Germans, and was just about to be sent to Germany to a POW camp. He said a Brigade of Scottish Highlanders came over the dunes just in time, pipes blaring, and rescued them. Up till then he said the bag pipe was the worst noise he ever heard, after that it was the most beautiful music he knew. All a matter of perspective.

 

The tune they likely piped was "BLACK BEAR"

It's the Highland charge.

Edited by Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474
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An older man who is hard of hearing and his wife were watching TV when a commercial came on showing a man in one bathtub and a woman in another holding hands. The man says to the wife, "What the hell is reptile dysfunction?"

outside bathtubs | ... couples in two separate outdoor bathtubs overlooking a big nature ...

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On 1/20/2021 at 6:29 PM, Alpo said:

Know what they call a cow with no legs?

 

Ground beef

What do you call a cow that spies on another cow?

 

 

 

 

A steakout.

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