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Friday Humor - jump in and add some

Pat Riot

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" 
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." 
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap... The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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This teenage girl, feeling all amorous, tell her teenage boyfriend, "I would do anything you wanted".


He started laughing, and of course she got mad. "Don't laugh at me! I'm serious."


He told her, "It's not you. A couple of weeks ago I had just got back to the house, and Mom and Dad didn't know I was home. I could hear them up there in their room, and Mom said, 'I love you so much, that I would do anything you wanted.' Dad started laughing, and told her to go mow the front yard."

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. 


After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" 


Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."


Later, the priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" 


Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all" 


With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "So after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?" 


Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had
a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over,
as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

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Q: How can you tell if an Elephant has been in your refrigerator?


A: Look for his tracks in the Cheesecake!


Q: Who was Purple and conquered the known world? 

A: Alexander the Grape!


I remember these from eons ago. I am vewy vewy olt! :P



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