Engineers....

[Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967]

Engineers seem to have a somewhat odd collective sense of humor. Admittedly, even!  Ms Helen Brimstone is – or was – one her ownself, and hangs out with a bunch of ‘em.  Anyway, she was inspired by her early days being spent in the company of engineering types:  during the war, her dad was a machinist for Douglas Aircraft, and her mom, Alice, was Donald Douglas’s secretary and personal assistant.  And Helen grew up around aviation and engineering types; she knew the Douglas family, later worked for another Douglas company, and even Hughes Aercraft.

 

Often, when she’s with her buddies, they speak in a strange language.  For instance, Helen jokingly describing a request from the parts room:

 

"Gimme a bolt with sufficient modulus of rupture to counteract the tension and shear developed in the front spar joint when the plane passes through a 30 ft/second gust at an indicated speed of 400 knots. 

 

"And I need it NOW!"

 

Yup… when she gets together with her buddies I wander off before I start to feel terminally stupid.  

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

It could be worse, they could design something and want YOU to BUILD it!

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

A priest, drunk and engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. Each is asked whether they want to go face up or face down.  
 

The priest says, “I’d like to go face up to see my maker.” When the rope is pulled, the blade goes crashing down, but stops inches from his neck. Ruling that it was act of God that saved him, he is set free. 
 

Next is the drunk who says, “I’ve spent my life face down in the gutter, so I might as well go that way.”  Again the blade crashes down, stopping inches from his neck. He too is set free. 
 

Last is the engineer who says, “It really doesn’t matter, so I guess I’ll go face up.” Just before the rope is pulled, he looks up and says, “I see your problem. There’s a kink in the rope.”

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

There’s always this oldie but goodie…

 

Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body 

 

 

The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!"

The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body."

The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[Cypress Sun]

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

 

 

One day, God calls the Devil and asks how things are going in Hell.

 

Devil tells God, things are going great ever since you sent that engineer down here. Tells God that they now have cold water, air conditioning, ice and a few other never before conveniences. Thanks for sending him down.

 

God replies that he never sent an engineer down to Hell, it's a mistake and they'll have to send the engineer to Heaven.

 

Devil tells God that there's no way that he'll send the engineer back.

 

God says that if they don't send the engineer back, he'll sue.

 

Devil replies "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

[Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L]

Engineers are Different

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

There is a subtle difference between engineers and so called "normal"

people, as this page will prove.

 

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.

 

This page will enable you to start to teach yourself about engineers. Its author learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

 

Engineers Explained

 

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The

word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

 

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

 

Straighten it.

Ignore it.

Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

 

The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

 

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

 

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation

Important social contacts

A feeling of connectedness with other humans

 

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for

social interactions:

Get it over with as soon as possible.

Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.

Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

 

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

things that need to be fixed, and

things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

 

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily

available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't

understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower

without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering

unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

 

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic

thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no

appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or

mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of

clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

 

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

 

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various

indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of

attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above

function.

 

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

 

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

 

Bill Gates.

MacGyver.

Larry Fink,

Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

 

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human

relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from

customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

 

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that

sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

 

"I won't change anything without asking you first."

"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."

"I have to have new equipment to do my job."

"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

 

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

 

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

 

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

 

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

Hindenberg;

Space Shuttle Challenger;

SPANet(tm);

Hubble space telescope;

Apollo 13;

Titanic;

Ford Pinto;

Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.

REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and

rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid

risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

 

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer

will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

 

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

How smart they are.

How many cool devices they own.

 

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that

the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable

problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become

personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

 

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.

(Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex—and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

 

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that

somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that

knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an

engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

 

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

 

Engineers and Mistresses

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was

better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid

foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

 

The engineer said, "I like both."

 

"Both?"

 

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

 

Engineering Students

Becoming an engineer is more than training, and yet not quite something

that is genetically passed on. Being an engineer, with an engineer's

attitudes is already built in by the time the prospective engineer becomes a student.

 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."

 

 

Engineers in Fairy Stories

There have been almost no fairy stories starring engineers. Here is why.

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

 

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

 

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a

girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

BTW - I R N NGNR

 

 

[Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L]

From the T-Shirt thread:

 

Civil Engineers build targets.

 

Mechanical Engineers build bombs!

[Rip Snorter]

WWI lyrics to look up "Engineers have hairy ears" folksong.

[Dogmeat Dad, SASS #48563L]

 

Four years ago, I couldn't even spel ingunear, Now I are one!  (My personal motto throughout college!)

 

After I granulated, I inverted Spool Checkers so I never needed to spoil write any moor!

[Dogmeat Dad, SASS #48563L]

I don't know how to embed a Facebook video...

 

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1227944851843509

 

Sent to me by a good Pard who knows me all too well!

Edited December 5, 2024 by Dogmeat Dad, SASS #48563L

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

 

[Boggus Deal #64218]

An engineer would crawl over 500 virgins to screw a mechanic.

[Blackwater 53393]

1 hour ago, Boggus Deal #64218 said:

An engineer would crawl over 500 virgins to screw a mechanic.

My mentor when I moved into commissioned automotive general repair said that engineers were guys who couldn’t make it in the repair trades and were mostly creating stuff to justify their existence!

 

He often said that they were just failed mechanics with their brains knocked out!!

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

We always talked about Marine and Navy aircraft as being designed by people with advanced degrees, flown by men with Bachelor Degrees fixed by guys with High School Diplomas.

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

25 minutes ago, Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770 said:

We always talked about Marine and Navy aircraft as being designed by people with advanced degrees, flown by men with Bachelor Degrees fixed by guys with High School Diplomas.

Shot out of the sky by dropouts.

[Calamity Kris]

19 hours ago, Hardpan Curmudgeon SASS #8967 said:

Engineers seem to have a somewhat odd collective sense of humor. Admittedly, even!  Ms Helen Brimstone is – or was – one her ownself, and hangs out with a bunch of ‘em.  Anyway, she was inspired by her early days being spent in the company of engineering types:  during the war, her dad was a machinist for Douglas Aircraft, and her mom, Alice, was Donald Douglas’s secretary and personal assistant.  And Helen grew up around aviation and engineering types; she knew the Douglas family, later worked for another Douglas company, and even Hughes Aercraft.

 

Sounds like she and I have parallel paths.  My first "real" job was at Douglas Aircraft.  My father worked at McDonnell Astronautics at the time.  Small world.  

[Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103]

A dear friend (rest his soul!) was of the opinion that no engineer should be allowed near a drawing board until they'd been a mechanic for ten years!

As I was elbow deep in a particularly frustrating repair, I was most inclined to agree!

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

2 hours ago, Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103 said:

A dear friend (rest his soul!) was of the opinion that no engineer should be allowed near a drawing board until they'd been a mechanic for ten years!

As I was elbow deep in a particularly frustrating repair, I was most inclined to agree!

 

I am of the conviction that Architects , too, need to spend time with "hammer and saw" during their training ........  😐

[Blackwater 53393]

2 hours ago, Linn Keller, SASS 27332, BOLD 103 said:

A dear friend (rest his soul!) was of the opinion that no engineer should be allowed near a drawing board until they'd been a mechanic for ten years!

As I was elbow deep in a particularly frustrating repair, I was most inclined to agree!

Nearly every competent, experienced automotive repair technician I’ve ever known is of the very same opinion!!

[Cypress Sun]

20 hours ago, Blackwater 53393 said:

Nearly every competent, experienced automotive repair technician I’ve ever known is of the very same opinion!!

 

Same way in the electrical trade.

 

If I could just have got one of them for a month...just one...... 

[Imis Twohofon,SASS # 46646]

Many years ago, I worked in a machine tool repair company. We worked on big stuff. Three of our absolute best repairmen were from England where they told us you couldnt even apply to Engineering school until you had been a Journeyman Machinest for 3 years. Having worked on mostly material handling equipment for most of 40 years, I cant fault that.

 

Imis

[DeaconKC]

I have always said I wanted to get a hold of the engineer who decided to stuff a Small Block V8 into the Chevy Monza...

[Blackwater 53393]

3 hours ago, DeaconKC said:

I have always said I wanted to get a hold of the engineer who decided to stuff a Small Block V8 into the Chevy Monza...

 

That particular engineer can’t be blamed for that. We’d been doing the same thing to Vegas and Astres for years, (1971) before GM  got around to it!!  Same platform!!

 

Heck!! We were putting Big Blocks in ‘em before the Monza was born!! 😜
 

EDIT: I actually loved that setup!  I had a couple of ‘em!!  If a 262 would fit, so would a 400!!  The California model came from the factory with a 350!

 

 

 

Edited December 6, 2024 by Blackwater 53393

[DeaconKC]

1 hour ago, Blackwater 53393 said:

 

That particular engineer can’t be blamed for that. We’d been doing the same thing to Vegas and Astres for years, (1971) before GM  got around to it!!  Same platform!!

 

Heck!! We were putting Big Blocks in ‘em before the Monza was born!! 😜
 

EDIT: I actually loved that setup!  I had a couple of ‘em!!  If a 262 would fit, so would a 400!!  The California model came from the factory with a 350!

 

 

 

Yeah but the factory model had to have a hole cut in the wheel well to change the rear spark plugs or you had to lift the engine! A hot-rodder accepts that and plans for it.

[John Kloehr]

17 minutes ago, DeaconKC said:

Yeah but the factory model had to have a hole cut in the wheel well to change the rear spark plugs or you had to lift the engine! A hot-rodder accepts that and plans for it.

I unbolted the engine mount and lifted the engine. A drilled hole let water in from the wheel wells and caused other problems later on.

 

But Who TF designed an engine with fuel injectors and fuel rails under the intake manifold? Some Dodge V6 engines have this and it adds a couple hours and additional parts costs during troubleshooting.

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

44 minutes ago, John Kloehr said:

I unbolted the engine mount and lifted the engine. A drilled hole let water in from the wheel wells and caused other problems later on.

 

But Who TF designed an engine with fuel injectors and fuel rails under the intake manifold? Some Dodge V6 engines have this and it adds a couple hours and additional parts costs during troubleshooting.

There's a Chevy engine that has the STARTER under the intake manifold, or at least in the valley under where one would be in a carbureted engine.

[Blackwater 53393]

1 hour ago, DeaconKC said:

Yeah but the factory model had to have a hole cut in the wheel well to change the rear spark plugs or you had to lift the engine! A hot-rodder accepts that and plans for it.

I had a special socket/extension combination that got that plug for me.  I made good money doing tuneups on those cars!

 

The hardest part of the job was restarting the plug into the threads in the spark plug hole! I used a piece of rubber hose for that!

 

You could also pull the front wheels and go in over the control arms on ‘em too!

 

 NOW, my big block Monza was a different animal, but it had headers on it! 🙄

[Blackwater 53393]

1 hour ago, John Kloehr said:

 A drilled hole let water in from the wheel wells and caused other problems later on.

 

Yeah! I had to fix a couple of those!  The fix was a plastic bulkhead plug of the appropriate size! That and a little undercoating cured that issue.

[DeaconKC]

It was Chicago. So the wheel wells were gonna rust out anyway!

 

Crud, I paid $350 for my first two cars!

[Blackwater 53393]

5 minutes ago, DeaconKC said:

It was Chicago. So the wheel wells were gonna rust out anyway!

 

Crud, I paid $350 for my first two cars!

Gave $35.00 for my first. ‘61 Falcon. Needed a valve job and a clutch!  Did both myself for less than a hundred bucks, including a new flywheel. 1968

 

Second car cost $750.00, but it was a ‘66 Chevy II SS and it only needed tires! That was 1970!

 

 

 

 

Edited December 7, 2024 by Blackwater 53393

[Abilene Slim SASS 81783]

7 hours ago, DeaconKC said:

I have always said I wanted to get a hold of the engineer who decided to stuff a Small Block V8 into the Chevy Monza...

Are we talking about that POS Monza from the late ‘70s, or the Corvair Monza of the ‘60s?

 

Edited December 7, 2024 by Abilene Slim SASS 81783

[DeaconKC]

Just now, Abilene Slim SASS 81783 said:

Are we talking about that POS Monza from the ‘70s, or the Corvair Monza of the ‘60s?

1977 Monza

[Blackwater 53393]

26 minutes ago, Abilene Slim SASS 81783 said:

Are we talking about that POS Monza from the late ‘70s, or the Corvair Monza of the ‘60s?

 

The late seventies Monza was a pretty neat little car. I owned two of them, not counting a REALLY nasty drag car!  

One was bought brand new and very nicely appointed. A couple of low buck suspension modifications and a set of quality tires and wheels turned it into a terrific handling little sport coupe. We drove it a couple hundred thousand miles.

 

The other one was second hand. It came with a V8 and a five speed and was otherwise pretty spartan!  I did a few modifications to the engine and it was a true stealth rocket!

 

Both of them later received much higher performance engines, which by the way, bolted right in, and more performance modifications.

One got a big block stuffed between the frame rails before they finally found new homes.

 

I still see that one now and then.

[Blackwater 53393]

38 minutes ago, DeaconKC said:

1977 Monza

The one that Schoolmarm and I bought new was exactly like this one.  Fun little car and Chevy made LOTS of performance parts for them!

 

We drove it for almost seven years!

[Sgt. C.J. Sabre, SASS #46770]

1 hour ago, DeaconKC said:

1977 Monza

A few years ago, Roadkill took one of these and supercharged it, with LEAF BLOWERS!

Video: