The Hills Science Diet

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

I was at Petsmart yesterday buying a large bag of Hills Science dog food for our two Cocker Spaniels.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think I had an elephant?)
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Hills Science Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because although I had lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet plan and that the way that it works is, you load your jacket pockets with the nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, that I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Petsmart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people, as they have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

 

No matter how many times I read or hear it!:

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

When they ban you in the whole chain, you will know you went too far.

[Gungadin]

OK, I'll buy the first part.  Could just be a joke.  But even if I buy the first part she didn't really ask if the dog food poisoned you?

 

Yea, I know, the whole thing could be a joke but the way the world is anymore I think a lot of real things are jokes

[Rip Snorter]

Saw this elsewhere some time ago, risible but I believe, not original.

[Springfield Slim SASS #24733]

Why would dog food poison you? When I was a Cub Scout most of us would take a handful of dry dog food from the bag the leader kept in the room(for his dog) and snack on it during the cub meetings. Did it for years.

[bgavin]

On our trip to our DC daughter's place last September, I was up early and found a whole jug full of Vanilla Oreo cookies.
I had some coffee and a few cookies.
My daughter was mortified because those were DOG COOKIES.
Looking closely, there was a bone image cast into the cookie.
I didn't give a hoot, they tasted exactly like Vanilla Oreos.

Yes, I did have a few more when she wasn't looking...
 

[Eyesa Horg]

A buddy here buys his dog some kind of treats that look exactly like Ginger Snaps with a light frosting on them. He handed me one and I didn't even give it thought and took a bite! They are actually quite good. The wife says they are made by Wigs & Wags and found at PetSmart.

[Injun Ryder, SASS #36201L]

At least you didn't stop in the road to lick yourself like the other guy on the dog food diet!

[Eyesa Horg]

I can't bend/twist that far!

[Pat Riot]

11 minutes ago, Eyesa Horg said:

I can't bend/twist that far!

So you’ve tried…

 

 

[Eyesa Horg]

You haven't? 

[Pb Mark]

As a young kid with an English Pointer, my mom would buy the dog little made for pets round Carob wafers for training snacks.  Dog never got any.  They were really good.  No joke, just good taste.

[Buckshot Bear]

2 hours ago, Eyesa Horg said:

I can't bend/twist that far!

 Did you get a crick in your neck? 

[DeaconKC]

At least he wasn't sniffing the butt of a dachshund or pekinese.

[Pat Riot]

My wife brought home cookies one night about 20 years ago. There were gingerbread men and sandwich cookies and a couple of other types. They smelled great. 
After dinner she took my daughter to the store to pick up something she needed for school. 
I decided to try some of those cookies. They smelled great but tasted all wrong. 
I threw the ones that I bit into in the garbage. 
Since I was getting up at 03:00 I went to bed. 
The next day my wife and daughter were in the kitchen and as I walked in my wife says “So, what did you think of those cookies?”

I said “They’re awful.  Where in the hell did you get those things?”

They both started laughing hysterically. 
Finally my wife says “Pet Smart. Those are cookies for the dogs.”

They knew I had tried them because there were cookies missing from the bag. 
 

[Ozark Huckleberry]

Have a friend that worked in pet food production. After he explained what they used as economical sources of protein for their dog food, I definitely wouldn't eat it.

 

Road kill. Production loss from agricultural businesses. A few variations:

- 'Dang, there's a dead one layin' out there in the pasture.'

- 'It was alive when we loaded it on the truck.'

- 'The ag inspector's still here -- load that thing up and get it out of here.'

- 'We've got all this muck left over from meat processing -- how can we make money off of it?'

 

I don't tend to be too picky about what I'll eat, but I'll not eat pet food. Nope. Nuh-uh. 

[Pat Riot]

1 hour ago, Ozark Huckleberry said:

I don't tend to be too picky about what I'll eat, but I'll not eat pet food. Nope. Nuh-uh. 

 

Your comment jogged a memory I had from the late 70’s and early 80’s.

I recall certain politicians stating that the other party’s plans would make it so bad that senior citizens would have to resort to eating canned dog food. 
It was a stupid sensationalist ploy. I recall going to the store and figuring out that pound for pound one could buy cheap meat cuts for less than the cost of canned dog food.

I mostly did this to shut the lady up that I rented a room from. She was a dyed in the wool political idiot and believed everything her favorite party and their useful idiots spewed. 
It took someone in the media a few years (early 80’s) to make the same comparison. 

[Trailrider #896]

On 12/2/2023 at 8:32 AM, Father Kit Cool Gun Garth said:

I was at Petsmart yesterday buying a large bag of Hills Science dog food for our two Cocker Spaniels.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think I had an elephant?)
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Hills Science Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because although I had lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet plan and that the way that it works is, you load your jacket pockets with the nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, that I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Petsmart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people, as they have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

How old are your cockers? We got a (now) 1 year-old male cocker and his is kinda wild. Is that typical of young cockers, or just the nature of this dog? He's loveable, but likes to chew on his lease whenever we don't put it where he can't get at it. First cocker since I was a kid, and I don't remember him being like this.

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

3 hours ago, Trailrider #896 said:

How old are your cockers? We got a (now) 1 year-old male cocker and his is kinda wild. Is that typical of young cockers, or just the nature of this dog? He's loveable, but likes to chew on his lease whenever we don't put it where he can't get at it. First cocker since I was a kid, and I don't remember him being like this.

Sent you a PM.