It's Almost Friday Humor Thread

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

Posted this in the mouse trap thread, but thought it might belong here also.

 

 

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with rats.

 

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their rats. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the rats were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

 

At the Baptist church the rats had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the rats drown themselves. The rats liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many rats showed up the following week.

 

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their rats and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the rats were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

 

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the rats and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They caught one rat and circumcised him. They haven’t seen one since …

 

[Alpo]

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Bad Bascomb, SASS # 47,494]

  

 

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?”

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A popular Soviet army joke.

Politruk shows a pile of bricks to a squad of soldiers and asks,

-Private Ivanov, what do you think when you see these bricks?

-Comrade Politruk, I think about our Soviet people who are building Communism!

- Private Sidorenko, what do you think when you see the bricks?

- We’re gonna build a new house when I return to my village.

-Private Sarkisyan, what do you think when you see these bricks?

-I think about naked women!

-What?! But why?

-Because I always think about naked women!

[Subdeacon Joe]

[Alpo]

This is a true story, but the story about the cow reminded me of it. And it is sort of funny.

 

We were third in line at a red light. Light turns green, and a couple of seconds later the Lincoln that's first in line pulls into the intersection. Then this pickup truck come charging down the road, blew through the red light and smashed into the front left of the Lincoln, turning the Lincoln sideways, and continuing down the road 50 or 60 yards before coming to a stop and making 180°, so now he's pointed back the way he came.

 

Car number two pulled around the wreck and went off down the street.

 

My business partner called the cops. We were in his truck. He suggested they send out at least two cops and an ambulance might not be a bad idea.

 

The old man did not appear to be hurt but he was shook up, which was why he hadn't gotten out of the Lincoln. One of the cops went down to the pickup truck and after talking to the driver a while, he got cuffed and stuffed.

 

While this was going on, car number two returned. He told the cop that he had been on his way to take his girlfriend to work. And she had to get to work on time. But he was a witness and after dropping her off he had come back.

 

Couple days later I get a phone call. Some insurance company. Said that his understanding was that I had been a witness to a traffic accident at the intersection of this and that, couple days before.

 

And I asked him, "Who's your client? The old man in the Lincoln? Or the drunk in the pickup truck that ran the light and smashed into the Lincoln?"

 

There was a few seconds of silence, and then he said, "Is that what happened?" I told him it was, and he thanked me for my time.

 

Then just before he hung up he said, "Our client is the drunk in the pickup truck".

[Subdeacon Joe]

 

[Sedalia Dave]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]

[Alpo]

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

Just a reminder!

[Father Kit Cool Gun Garth]

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

It's FRIDAY!

A man parks his bicycle nearby the Capitol in Washington, DC and walks on.

A police officer stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it is a VIP road and all congressmen and senators pass from here?"

Man replied, "Don't you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!"

[Alpo]

[Subdeacon Joe]

Or having good taste 

 

 

 

[DeaconKC]

[Alpo]

[Blackwater 53393]

3 hours ago, DeaconKC said:

…and you can bet the speed limit is whatever he says it is!

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’

‘Because I don’t want any of those b****es sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’.

[Cold Lake Kid, SASS # 51474]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week... Do you know her'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest...! Who is she and why is she following us..'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.'

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

(I know you smiled!)

[Sedalia Dave]

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a few minutes before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moshe answered by raising one finger.

Next, the Pope waved one finger around his head.

Rabbi Moshe pointed down at the ground.

Then the Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

On seeing that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, the Rabbi was too clever, and the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope to ask what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show that God is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God is also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe to find out how he won the debate.

" I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy. So I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, "We're staying right here."

"And then what?" they asked.

"Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

[Alpo]

[Sedalia Dave]