Puns to make you cringe

[J. Mark Flint #31954 LIFE]

Acupuncture is a jab well done

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an i for an i

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

Local area network in Australia - the LAN down under

Every calendar's days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

[Pat Riot]

16 minutes ago, J. Mark Flint #31954 LIFE said:

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

[Alpo]

Dancing the tango is naval maneuvers without seamen.

[Charlie Harley, #14153]

3 hours ago, J. Mark Flint #31954 LIFE said:

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

That’s damn funny right there!  Says me whose libation of choice is red wine. 

[Marshal Mo Hare, SASS #45984]

puns to make me delete you 

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

What do you call an old lady that lives by the sea and casts spells?

A sand witch

[Forty Rod SASS 3935]

This nonsense will keep me awake nights....for maybe an hour or two.  

[Joke 'um]

"He who would pun would pick a pocket."

              - Stephen Maturin

[Smuteye John SASS#24774]

I am immune to your attempts at punnery!

 

I read Pearls Before Swine daily!

 

Compared to Stephan Pastis, you're just dabbling.

[LawMan Mark, SASS #57095L]

A pun shouldn't be shared until it's full groan...

 

[Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485]

THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF
LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT .

1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The
flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."

2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Not surprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says "I've lost my electron."  The
other says "Are you sure?"  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse.  "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7.  A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." 
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're identical
twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They
ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat
up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that
only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in
ten did.

[Wallaby Jack, SASS #44062]

1 hour ago, Crooked River Pete, SASS 43485 said:

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And finally,

 

 

 .... this is the one I liked .....  

[bgavin]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Finagler 6853 Life]

I met a man with a wooden leg named Smith.  I wonder what was the name of his other leg.