Jump to content
SASS Wire Forum

What the heck happened? and what should I do?


Caliope Cupcake #13981

Recommended Posts

Howdy y'all, it's been a while!  I'm still around and go to The Cowboys events. Some of you know I'm a retired Spec Ed teacher, Realtor, and still am a swim instructor in the summer. The last 3 years, I've been helping my aging parents, and taking care of them, along my sister --as long as she has been able to hold out.  Mom passed July 2017 [87.5] , and Dad in Oct 2018 [89.5]  They were a  beautiful loving couple all their lives, met in the Army, and married at 21, until death for 67 years; wonderful not perfect parents.  Dad left everything to me and younger Sis to sell and split. I've been cleaning out the house where we both grew up from 1955, and it has been sad yet enjoyable remembering good times with every treasure I find. Sis doesn't want anything from the house.  She has a very different perspective on them and our childhood--bitter. Long story short, she has blamed them for her addictions and I reckon I must be part of that , too, because she has nothing but words of hate if we speak.  It has been like this for 45 years depending on her mood and the circumstance---if others are watching.  My cousin and I have come to the conclusion she is bipolar schizo like Mom and his mom, her sister. You never know who you're gonna get. I'm baffled why Dad made her his power of atty and executor.  She has no education and has never owned property aside from joint, never responsible for bills or taxes, her hubby did it all--control freak. After the funeral, she sent me his trust but it took her 2 mos.  Dad asked me several times to sell the cars and take care of that, just as I always had done for him. I have buyer of 2 of the 3, but only doc files for one.  She will not answer my calls or texts, and I figured out I am blocked. No communication with her.  My daughter wants to move into the house and buy if for her family.  They are broke in MO, want to move back, and I want to help her. The last chat we had, Sis said it was a good idea. She talks to my daughter not me, and the two of them are making plans to fix up the house behind my back as if my half doesn't count. The two of them are angry at me for no reason--I'm nice to everyone and no one responds to my calls. What the heck happened?  I thought we were gonna work it out together.  I keep telling her to stop drinking that poison, it ain't kilt me yet.  I didn't even get full disclosure on what Dad left in his bank or safety deposit box. Sis thinks she doesn't have to talk or tell me anything and said so to my face. I don't see how this is gonna work for good. Please share your experiences. My last resort is to write a letter to claim my half, but my daughter will be left out, and it appears Sis is manipulating or is really disturbed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

CC;

My condolences for the loss of your parents; it is a painful time in the lives of Boomers like us, and we are all facing it.  Remember the good things, let go of the bad.

 

Estate squabbles are common.  Sometimes, parents believe that they can "help" a weak or impaired child by "giving them some responsibility"; or that they should not burden their well-adjusted (and probably hard-working) child with estate responsibilities, and so designate the less productive one to handle the process.  Neither is a good reason for doing so.  

 

In your place, and assuming that there is some significant value in the estate, I would retain my own counsel, separate from any counsel retained by the executor.   Your counsel's job is to protect your interests as an heir; make certain that the estate is preserved prior to distribution; and assure that distribution follows the terms of the will.  In other words, to keep them from squandering the assets, or channeling them into their own pockets, all to your detriment.  If someone in the family wants the house, fine; but they will need to pay fair market value for it, and those proceeds must go into the estate for distribution to you and the other heirs.  Don't get cheated out of a fair accounting and a fair split.

 

Two provisos:

 

First, don't argue over valueless items.  Your bronzed baby shoes may have immense sentimental value, but they are worth next to nothing on the open market, and a court will not assign significant value to them.  Pick the battles that you can win, and that will be productive.  

 

Second, sometimes it is just time to walk away.  The heartache that flows from family conflicts can drain your soul.   Think long and hard over whether a protracted conflict is worth the burdens.  You may decide that avoiding the fight will bring you more peace than going to the mat.

 

I have a handful of items from my folks; mainly photos and books, and some military items.  I made certain that the grandchildren each received something memorable.  I gave a grasping sibling (the one in my family that wanted nothing to do with the work side of helping Mom & Dad, nor with the burden of handling the estate - she just wants her check) a fair opportunity to retrieve anything she wanted (and assigned a fair value to it for deduction from her share of the estate); she is, of course, very unhappy with that deal (she thought that she could simply cherry pick the antiques, coins, jewelry, etc., and later get a full share of the remainder).  The house was emptied by a commercial outfit, and is now being sold.  When we close next month, we will do a final accounting and move on.  

 

When things have gotten testy between family members, I have forced myself to think about my Dad - the most generous man I ever knew.  Faced with a child asking for "more", he would have smiled and reached into his pocket.  It is, after all, his money, not mine.  In his wisdom and love, he decided how it should be divided, but I try to remember what he would have done if he realized that one of us was unhappy with the terms.  In the long run, the money is meaningless; if he knew that it would lead to division, he would have donated it all to charity before his death.  Besides, the greedy spendthrifts will blow through their shares in short order anyway; you could give them every last penny, and they would still come back looking for more, carrying some mind-blowing argument about "fairness" and a long history of being the neglected child.

 

Cherish the happy memories, CC; they are the most valuable part of the estate.  The angry heirs will never realize this simple truth, and so will always go unsatisfied, no matter what share of the money they receive.

 

LL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would be concerned about the actions being taken, behind your back, with the family home, in spite of your partial ownership.

Turn it over to a lawyer specializing in estates.

Forget about trying to "fix" what is apparently already too broken to mend.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Having read what LL wrote, I can think of little to add. Since it sounds as though relationships are quite fractured, adding your own attorney to the mix isn't likely to make things worse. Do what you can to promote and protect your parents' interests, and move forward with your life. You have my condolences.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Condolences for your loss.

Your sister sounds like my brother. Fortunately, Dad made my older sister executor. She took the job seriously. It was a bit complicated and made worse by my crazy brother and a buttinskey cousin that had NO stake in the estate. My sister and I had one goal. Extricate ourselves financially from highly toxic brother. Took a while but BOY WAS IT WORTH IT! Huge weight lifted.

Retaining good counsel was key.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

CC, our condolences. 

 

I completely understand your pain.  My brother and I are going through nearly the same thing with our father's estate.  Gratefully, dad had a very detailed will outlining how things are to be executed.  My brother, the executor, is following it to the letter. 

 

I echo Loophole's comments.  Pick your battles.  In the end, you might have just have to walk away for your own sanity.  As much as it pains you to do so, your health is worth it.  I'm on the fence about hiring your own lawyer, knowing how "victim friendly" the California legal system is.  It might end up costing you more than it's worth.   I'm not sure if there is such a thing but maybe a mediator is the key.

 

Prayers and best wishes to you.  Call us if you need anything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that Loophole's advice is spot on. If I had thought ahead, I could have retired by now.

I grew up in Ohio, now live in Arizona. My parents left the probater up tp my sister who still lives there. Their Will basically stated that we split everything. 

When Mom got Alzheimers, we needed to get here someplace that she could be taken care of. Neither one of us could afford it straight out, so we had to relieve here  of any assets so that Medicaid could help. I made the mistake of allowing the family home to be Quick Claimed to my sister. The idea was to have her take a Home Equity Loan out to renovate the house, sell it and we'd split the proceeds. 

At the time she was living in an apartment clear across town from the house, so I suggested that she move into the house while doing the renovations. It simply didn't make sense to pay rent and a loan at the same time. 

Well, she got "comfortable" there, and unknown to me, kept taking more loans out on the house. Eventually it got to the point that the house was foreclosed on. 

She is the only person I've ever heard of that was GIVEN a house, and lost it to the Bank. And of course, I wound up with NOTHING. We haven't spoken in ten years, and I don't expect that to change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh CC, I am so sorry to read this and for the loss of your parents.

 

When my mother was dying, my brother and I had a split in our relationship. We got through the property split fairly, which surprised me. He was executor. I don't know why, except that he was the oldest by eight years. He had an Art major and I had Business. With his blessings, I ended up taking over some of the things he couldn't resolve. He always had a chip on his shoulder and never realized that being nice to people would serve you better than being condescending.

 

I was never rude to him, although his actions were abhorrent to me. When he realized he couldn't resolve some things, he let me take over. I hope this is a way you can resolve things.

 

I wish you a fair resolution to the mess.

 

Sincerely,

 

Allie

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Addicts, will never accept responsibly for their lot in live. Just the way it is...........

Do what YOU think is fair and 'rite'.

Get a lawyer as a last resort, as the fees will drain the estate.......

OLG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry for your losses.

 

Set emotion aside and get your own attorney...IF you are prepared to go down that road with your sister.  Sounds like nothing to lose with that relationship though...trying to play nice will only cost you financially and drag this out longer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do not assume the lawyer will drain the estate. A lot of my brother's shenanigans came out of his portion of the estate. Call and bother the lawyer 5 times a day was on his dime. He got the hint.

And I would rather pay someone who works for a living than let theives drain the the estate. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

36 minutes ago, Whiskey Business said:

Do not assume the lawyer will drain the estate. A lot of my brother's shenanigans came out of his portion of the estate. Call and bother the lawyer 5 times a day was on his dime. He got the hint.

And I would rather pay someone who works for a living than let theives drain the the estate. 

 

Discuss fees in advance with any lawyer you consider.  Most states require written fee agreements.  The lawyer's knowledge and services will not be free, but any advice worth getting is worth paying for.  

 

LL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Caliope,

    First of all, my condolences for the loss of your parents.

    Handling an estate can not only be time consuming, but it will strain relationships.

    There is not much that can be added to what Loophole had already started above, but the hiring of your own attorney will be the best thing you can do at this time to ensure proper distribution of assets in the estate.

       Unlike your case, when my wife's father passed away last November, she was put in charge of his estate instead  of her sister, who most likely would have done just what your sister is doing to you. In fact, no sooner had he passed, she was asking for money from the estate to purchase a new vehicle, etc.

        As my wife and I being Professional Guardians, we have seen it all with the passing of a loved one and the vultures who are waiting in the wings.

        Praying you will get through this unscathed.

FKCGG

      

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I examined titles to real property for decades, and I saw a lot of strife come from estates.  For myself I took a realization that nobody except a surviving spouse is entitled to an inheritance, so I decided that it was up to me to make my own way and accumulate my own wealth.  The net result to me was that when I got pushed toward an early retirement, I had all of my debts except my first mortgage paid and I was able to retire on my own dime.

 

For what it's worth, an executor of an estate is a fiduciary, which means that he/she has an obligation to act for the best interest of the estate.  This is where a good estate attorney would come in, determining whether an executor is acting in the best interest of the estate and whether it would be possible to have the court remove and replace the executor.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.